Cowboy Boots

There they were at my front door step.  Everything I had envisioned so clearly for quite some time now.  Cowboy boots, and gentlemanly ways with an aire of confidence & control...... only this time the lines were blurred.

Trapped

 Kind eyes and a warm smile…. so misleading.  Not the way out, but oh how I wish it was.  Instead I remain trapped.

Taboo

Despite how common divorce is, it seems to still be taboo in some parts of the U.S. (i.e. where I live & amongst many people I know).  It seems like so many people would rather stay unhappily married then to “give up” or admit it wasn’t working. 

I guess I understand though….I did that for a long time too. 

Then one day I decided to do something different. 

And my God, who knew the courage & strength it would take.

Rebirth

“Well, sometimes it's necessary for a rebirth, but you know that.”

.....An innocent email from my sister got me to thinking, Can you ever really be “reborn”? I mean not in the spiritual sense because that’s not even where I’m trying to go with this. But I thought her choice of words was interesting….. “rebirth”.  I mean, sure I know what she means, but is it possible? I mean truly possible to start your life over from scratch? I don’t think so. When we’re born we are innocent, and free from a past. Can that ever happen again? Despite how much we may want to forget, and how much we may choose to leave people and places behind, and how much we try to sell ourselves on the concept of letting go, we never really unshed our past.  It is engrained in us, and as much a part of our identity as our eye color. I guess the best we can hope for is to learn from the past, and accept it as a part of who we have become; embrace rather then let go.  Move forward not to be reborn or start fresh, but to continue on living life with the wisdom & strength that only an undesirable past can bring you.

Disclaimer

Sometimes I feel like I’ve been ousted from this privileged club; one full of people who manage to keep their marriage together.  As my divorce moves forward I’m sure I’ll be finding myself “announcing” it again & again.  And I’m realizing more and more that I want everyone to know that I tried. Like I feel the need to add a disclaimer to my divorce status stating “I was married for 11 years and gave it everything I had.  So much so that it sucked me dry.  I lay my head on my pillow each night knowing that I gave 250%, but it still failed.  That happens sometimes.  Yes it’s sad, no it isn’t the story I envisioned for myself, but sometimes that happens too.”

I Can Relate

"Could've loved you all my life
if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold"

To Be Continued.......

So I've done the whole "wife thing", and it wasn't always what I had envisioned, dreamed about, hoped for, etc, etc....
But there were some good times; times when I felt blessed, times when I felt sheer joy at the sight of this other human being. 
There were definite hard times, sad times, and times when I felt sheer hatred at the sight of this other human being. 
Sadly enough the latter happened waaaay more often then it should have. 
But I did it.  I was the wife.  Now I'm done.  What's next??

Oh, the Places I Have Lived

 I copied this idea from a blog I read a few years ago, and thought it would be fun to write.

I grew up in Axtell, Tx which is a very small town outside of Waco; 30 miles out into the country….wide open spaces, dirt roads, pastures full of wild flowers in the summer, a night sky full of stars, and the sound of crickets and locusts on summer evenings…. I was incredibly bored, and couldn’t wait to leave! And no sooner than I had my high school diploma in hand I was off to Denton, Tx to attend college with one of my best friends.

It was there that I learned that God will send you big, flashing, neon signs to let you know you’re going the wrong way.

So I moved back home, back to the country, and back in with my parents. My 18th year was fast and furious mixed with various jobs & boys, some I’m not so proud of (both the jobs and the boys), and others I’ve long since forgotten. Four days after my 19th birthday I started work at a department store where, little did I know, I would meet my future husband. And by “future” I mean we were engaged within 5 months, and married 3 months after that. He was in the Air Force so this meant we would be moving shortly after we wed. Our first station was San Angelo, Tx …. 360 miles from everyone we knew.

During my four years in San Angelo, I attended college, sold bras at Victoria’s Secret, and unexpectedly became a mother at the tender age of 22. I enjoyed hole in the wall restaurants that have sweet memories in my heart (yes, I love food that much), picked up more Spanish vocabulary, and made a home with my husband. I also woke up one morning to hear that the World Trade Center had gone down in flames, and turned on the TV in time to see the second tower fall….while living on a military base, my husband on “mobility”, and 9 months pregnant. After that day we couldn’t leave to get groceries without having to drive over bomb detector equipment, and have our car searched. While our country prepared for war, I prepared to bring a baby into the world.

We soon grew tired of this quiet city, and felt it was time for a change. He put in orders for Germany, Hawaii, and Arlington, Tx; we ended up in Arlington (apparently God was determined to keep us in the Lone Star state).

Though I have to say….I LOVED Arlington! Finally a REAL city! We found an awesome, but overly expensive apartment, and lived there with our sweet baby girl who was almost 2 years old. Arlington brought on bouts of allergies and asthma complications for the whole family. I attended my 4th college, had my first experience of driving out of a preschool parking lot with tears streaming down my face, and attempted cocktail waitressing again which I hadn’t done since I was 18.

After a year in Arlington I decided that it was time to put down permanent roots somewhere, and I thought of home…yes the small town life that I once thought I hated. So we left our super cute, way too expensive apartment, and moved back to Axtell where I had grown up. After a torturous 9 months of living with my parents we found and bought a house that we LOVED. That house became a home very quickly, and we owned it with pride. We accumulated various pets, things, another vehicle; endured career changes, and yes still college for me. A year or so later our 5 year old daughter became a big sister to our second baby girl.

Fast forward 4 years, and I still live in this small town. A lot of changes have taken place, but I still call Axtell my home. I have no idea what the future holds, but I’m glad that my short journey in life (so far) brought me back to my roots.

Update? Yes I think so.

Moving forward one step at a time.  The decisions become more concrete, yet I still find cracks. Occasional waves of guilt, loss, and sadness; but mostly an immense feeling of freedom.  Was my heart chained so heavily?  Confusing.  What if it always feels this way? 
It's never easy I suppose... even when you're the one that chooses to "leave".  There's something really tragic about a love dying between two people who once saved each other, protected each other, and thought that forever existed. 


"There are some nights when sleep plays coy, aloof, and disdainful...."

Memos to Myself

Sometimes I jot down quick thoughts during the day or night on my cell phone app, "memos".  Thought I'd share a few:

"Reality.  It's the surprise of when it hits.....like in the middle of doing laundry."

"There will always be those people that think you should be a certain way, think a certain way, live a certain way.  Always."

"I think I sighed at least 10 times out loud today.  Tired. Monotony of surviving. Stuck somewhere between here and there."

"I woke up this morning to Dwight's 'A Thousand Miles from Nowhere'.... hope that's not prophetic in any way."

Sometimes I'm sad just for their sake... the 19 and 20 year old.  Young & carefree; their whole lives ahead of them.  Two fools in love.

You Have to Live It To Understand It

"Emotional horror", she said.  I thought I understood, but I just wasn't in the right place to fully grasp it.  "I've felt that bad before", I kept thinking.... "so what could be worse?".  Little did I know.

It's a state of limbo.  Not belonging anywhere.  Stuck in a past I no longer wanted, yet afraid to move too far ahead.  Making concrete decisions, but unable to fully let go.  Emotional horror.  Bittersweet & promise;  caught in the in between.  Afraid to allow hope and excitement to stay; heavy laden with guilt.  Unsure of what I'm clinging to, but the cold realizations that I'm still clinging.  Emotional horror.  Speaking so casually about a life I've never known, someone else's life, wait....my life.  Surreal.  Waves of confusion, anger, hurt, then more guilt.  The changes come fast, but painstakingly.  It starts to feel like torture, then I catch a glimpse of light.  I take another step forward.  I glance back; my heart hurts.  Emotional horror.

Awake

I finally look around me. I see a friend, my baby’s face, I share a laugh, or feel loved; I am reminded that I’m alive.   

Afternoon

The day is long and slow…….stretched out before me like a winding dirt road that disappears on the edge of the horizon. Nothing for miles around……..  the air is still, no sounds of nature, no sign of life.

Sleep Eludes Me...

Crickets chirping... a sound from my childhood.  TV on mute... just flashing lights.  Digital numbers on the alarm clock... an eerie blue.  The air in the room... almost audible.
And sleep eludes me....
My day flashes before me... then the past weeks, months, and years.  Random thoughts... random memories.
Tears fill my eyes, and sleep eludes me. 



"I'm wondering how birds find their way....
There are so many things I don't understand.
What makes a woman not love a man?
I think I should just be alone.
I think I should find my way home."
~Jonah Matranga

Tonight

It was too much in one night…

All of “them” on my mind, 'Baby You Save Me' playin' on the radio-- dedicated between lovers, 11 years worth of guilt bubbling up, an old movie on TV conjuring up memories of better days, stressful workweek, and too much caffeine.

The tears have been falling.

This doesn’t bode well for me.

CONTROL

You wanted it. Here ya go. You can have it. I wrapped it up for you in a nice, shiny package covered in hope, despair, confusion, and anger....the tag on the package says "Fuck you for all the bullshit you threw my way".  Gee, you must of been really scared when I took it from you!  Cause I'm guessing the silence means you want it back now??  It must.  You sure work damn hard to get it from me.  Funny how someone would work so hard to get something they have very little appreciation for.  So here it is in a package just for you... disguised as a vulnerable friendly message.  I hope that when you open it up it makes you feel foolishly warm & fuzzy inside; secure in your manhood again. I hope it makes you swell with pride at what a fucking asshole you are. 

Something needed to be said... I had to write something down tonight. I just wasn't sure what.  I was hoping my fingers would just type out the right words...  I'm at a loss.  Again, I come to what feels like a turning point.  It continues to amaze me how I can come to a confident decision only to feel the crushing pain of guilt. I've been thinking a lot lately about what motivates people.  We all have motivators otherwise we'd cease to function.  The problem is that the primary motivator of women is guilt.  A good friend of mine calls this "the guilt gene".  It's incredibly true when you think about it... think about how much we as women function out of pure guilt.  We worry constantly, we analyze, we "overthink" as men like to say or make things too complicated. Are we doing this because we are secretly or even unknowingly struggling with the guilt we feel inside??  I don't know...I have no real answers.  I just know that although it can serve a positive purpose, guilt can also be binding; imprisoning you in your own actions & consequences.  It can be suffocating and stifling; an emotional death. 

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."       ~Anais Nin

Me

I’m probably the most analytical, “overthinking” person you could ever talk to. My brain never stops. I think I’m a pretty smart girl with an odd mix of book smarts, street smarts, and intuition. I have a really hard time being fake, this works for me and against me. Not much shocks me…seriously not much at all.  I have a lot of aggression and I’m not always sure where it comes from. Music is everything to me, it cures me, it heals me, it revives me.  I absolutely love movies, and I quote them in regular conversations. I tend to laugh when things get too serious, too crazy, or if I get too angry…I guess it’s a nervous habit?  Jokes that most people think are gross or inappropriate, I think are freakin hilarious.  I love to sleep.  I cuss a lot, but still refuse to cuss in front of my parents.  I’ve always been a little boy crazy.  I really like tattoos, and have three of em.  I’ll prob get a 4^th. I refuse to have regrets. I refuse to do what everyone else thinks I should.  I have opinions on just about anything, and I like mine the best.  I can argue any point when I want to, I was told growing up that I should be a lawyer, and I’ve been called “the great debater”.  I’m not really sure if that’s a good thing.  I’m super sensitive and many people have made me cry without ever knowing it. I think I’m hard to get to know, I’ve been told I act like a snob or a bitch, but in reality I’m just really reserved and shy.  Once you get to know me you see a totally different side that most people don’t even know is there.  I’m usually down for anything at least once… unless it involves heights.  I also hate surprises, even good ones.  I can out drink most people that I know.  Again, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. I try to embrace all experiences good and bad.  Cause the good feels good, and the bad just makes you stronger anyway.  I’m pretty controlling, territorial, and possessive.  But with that comes a world of good intentions, loyalty, passion, and usually love.  I’ve had more jobs then I can really count, I often forget about one or two of em.  When I was younger I was definitely an impulsive little thing. I’ve outgrown that…mostly.  I have a soft spot for animals, and I can’t bare to watch those ASPCA commercials with Sarah Mclachlan singing (depressing!!).   I always wanted to be a mother, and I’m thankful that God blessed me with that privilege.  My faith in God was instilled in me from birth, and has remained a huge part of my life. But I don’t think it’s my personal mission to bring others to Jesus, and I don’t think that only one denomination is going to Heaven.  I’m also really embarrassed by the amount of people that call themselves Christian yet are so super judgmental and prejudiced.  I’m a pretty open minded person and pretty liberal, but I have my limitations as I think we all should.  Every day before school my dad told me “be a leader, not a follower”, I think I did a fairly good job of sticking to that.  I have a lot of responsibilities and a lot of titles, but at 31 I’m still kinda searching for who I am.   For now I am all these things, made up in part by my experiences, my choices, the consequences of those choices, the people that I have let in my life, the people that showed up unexpectedly, the ones who stayed, the ones who left, but mostly because I don’t know how to be anything other than this.

To Anonymous Woman in Her 20's

I hear you with your big dreams….I wanted those things once too. Young enough to dream it, and just old enough to have convinced yourself you can make it happen. The man, the house, babies. The part of me that still believes in dreams, hope, and love wants to be excited with you, and smile for you; basking in the glow of what’s to come. But the part of me that’s hurt, exhausted, and a little jaded wants to tell you about how it can all come crashing down on you one day if you aren’t careful. And how you might get so caught up in fighting to keep your dream alive, it never quite being just how you pictured, that you’ll lose yourself. And those big dreams will move just a little further out of reach again…

Let Her Cry

"Let her cry..if the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing...if it eases all her pain

Let her go...let her walk right out on me

And if the sun comes up tomorrow

Let her be...let her be."

Hope...friend or enemy?

Why do we hang on so tightly to people that aren't really good for us?  I guess everyone is different, but some of us just have a much harder time letting go.  Whether it be old boyfriends, a man/woman that did us wrong, a one sided friendship .... there is nothing to gain from the toxicity!  The only thing I can figure is that those of us who do it are just clinging to hope.  Hope that one day it will be better or different; that somehow the person or the dynamics of the relationship will change.  I've always thought of hope as a good thing; it is what has gotten me through so many rough situations in my life.  But the older I get the more I realize that hope has a very ugly side.  Hope leads me down paths I shouldn't take.  Hope smiles so warm and invitingly, yet makes promises that it just can't keep. I am a fool.  I desperately cling to the toxicity because I stupidly have hope.

untitled III

Do you ever stop to wonder why I look lighter, happier, seem freer? It’s because my shackles were cut loose. I no longer carry the responsibility burden of constantly tending to your needs, allowing your emotions to trump mine; helping to pick you up, dust you off, and give you the pep talk to go back out there and face the big bad world only to turn around myself and face an empty room. Don’t get me wrong, I get the significance of loving, caring, encouraging, supporting, and even being responsible for another human being, but I gave birth to those two; they’re mine and it’s unconditional. Unfortunately my feelings for you were not.

dissolution of marriage

she emerges from his shadow... her light shining brighter than before

Loneliness

My old companion…

an enemy in disguise.

She curled around me at night to sit with me in misery…

causing my tears to fall;

the emptiness filled with her presence.

She does not make a sound; she has no voice…

only the silent agony.

I met her when I was young;

but when he found me she disappeared …

The day she returned

I recognized her right away

as she stood there;

even with him in the same room she taunted me.

And now?

Her very presence swallows me whole.

untitled II

Distractions, distractions, distractions.....

At some point I'm gonna have to face being alone with my thoughts.

untitled

The only way to leave a crossroads is to choose a direction. In other words, I'm fucked for now.

Why

“But why can’t you give it another chance now that everything is the way you always wanted?”

Why do people ask me that?

Do they not understand that everyone has their breaking point? You get tired of standing around waiting and hoping that one day it will be different. Thinking that if you just keep trying, keep moving forward out of sheer love, that something will change. Telling yourself whatever you can to shove the hurt feelings down deeper cause experience has taught you that it does no good to voice them. At some point you stop waiting. At some point you realize you’ve given it all you can. And who is anyone else to tell you otherwise? Are you not the expert on you? Can someone else really tell you when you’ve done your best? So just because other people have decided that now they want to stop and really listen, that means that up to this point you haven’t given it a fair shot? Then what the fuck was I doing all those years beating my head against a brick wall?? Was my mistake in that I didn’t realize my audience wasn’t receptive? I was supposed to wait till you were ready to hear me… is that what you’re saying?
Hmmmm… this is kinda like that question, “if a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it does it really make a noise?”…. I can tell you now I was screaming it at you. You may not have heard me, but I was. You’ll just have to take my word for it, kick yourself for not listening, and move on.

Lock Down

I've decided to make my blog a little more secure, and only allow certain readers. I'll be sending an email out to my friends that I know read this occasionally, but if there's anyone else out there reading this right now, and that wants to be able to continue just email me and let me know that you want access... no problem! I've noticed on my feedjit that I occasionally get some readers from places that I'm pretty sure I have no friends or family... of course it could be totally accidental that these people stumble onto this blog, read it and think "what the hell is this girl talking about??" and move on quickly... but if that's NOT the case, and you want to continue reading just email me. :)

jennt79@gmail.com

A Real Woman

Smart enough to make plans, and always have a backup

Wistful enough to hang on to old dreams

Clever enough to get what she wants

Insightful enough to know the difference in what she wants and what she needs

Gentle enough to wipe tears, kiss softly, and whisper words of love

Tough enough to say what she really thinks, how she really feels, and not give a damn if anyone agrees

Honest enough to leave the game playing to children

Intuitive enough to know when her guard can really come down

Faithful enough to praise Him in the midst of despair as well as joy

Strong enough to carry those that need her

Willing to sacrifice for those she loves

Courageous enough to hear her voice rise above the rest

Humble enough to stand in the background

Brave enough to stand alone

Confident enough to share her beauty

Wise enough to know when to seek and when to be sought

Pure enough to love with her whole heart

Who Knows

Is it that you never meant what you said? Or you just changed your mind that easily? Just wondered.

Peace

I am on a journey to find inner peace. I have found myself on an emotional roller coaster, the highs are so high, and the lows have been pretty low. A friend recently described it as “peace, hell, peace, hell, peace, hell…heartache”; she’s a wise and insightful lady. I feel as though I have done, and am doing everything in my power to get out of this state of emotional turmoil. I started working out (and believe me sweating works wonders!!!), I’ve done things to feel better about myself physically, I’ve tried to focus on my blessings (i.e. my children), I’ve taken on new opportunities career wise. All these things I’ve done to try and smother the pain. Thing is that it isn’t just pain; it’s sadness, anxiety, harsh reality, the sting of memories, the loss of what could have been, the loss of what was (albeit a very long time ago), uncertainty for the future, the feeling of having the ground pulled out from under your feet and trying to find your footing again in unknown territory. That last statement is probably the best explanation: Finding my footing.
Coincidentally as all this is going on in my life I am working on my clinical licensure. Through that I have learned that ultimately the best way to deal with emotional turmoil is to figure out whatever your internal conflict is, and learn how to integrate it into your life. This way your defenses can come down some, and you don’t feel the need to constantly fight against the pain every day. So integration……… how does one do that?? I guess it would be different for everyone, but this is what I’m working on now. I call it “finding inner peace” which just sounds prettier.

This I Know..

Hallelujah lyrics by Leonard Cohen

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty
in the moonlight
overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne,
she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you'd let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me do you?
Remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Tristitia

Every time I start to write a new blog post I end up just staring at the screen and not knowing what to say. Sure I have plenty of things I write about that will never go public, but there’s also something really cathartic about writing things that others can read (not that I have all these blog readers, but you know what I mean). So as far as where I am right now…… here are a few of the disjointed thoughts that roam around in my head on almost a daily basis. Disclaimer: this is depressing

I think back to the difficult times I’ve been through in my life, and I think I’d rather suffer through any one of those again instead of feeling the way I feel right now.

Some days I look around at other people and I see them smiling so genuinely… and I hate them for it.

I can now say that I have been on both sides of the fence and back. The grass was the same, now what?

Sometimes you have to take a really, really, really broken road to get where you’re supposed to end up. And that really, really, really SUCKS.

I now know that it’s very possible to wake up one day and not recognize your life. You feel like the you that you’ve always been on the inside, and you go through the same routines and motions of what you should do, but you look around and everything is totally unrecognizable.

If you ever want to see a situation for what it truly is, detach yourself emotionally. You’ll see some ugly shit.

I am forever grateful for the people that choose to remain in my life despite the stupid shit that I do. At the same time I would give anything to feel like there is someone out there who truly understands me and why I do it.

Upon Saving

"Your relationship with Abel Torres will end upon saving"...... that's what facebook said.

Late Night Realizations part II

Wherever your relaxing spot, it will eventually be invaded by obtrusive thoughts.

My finger traces a tiny open heart that was a representation of the future… who knew that one day that empty little heart would be more symbolic then it was ever meant to be.

Some songs are so incredibly haunting…

Sometimes it really is too late. It just is.

How I Met My Husband

I totally copied this from my friend’s blog, and although it probably isn’t the most ideal time in my life to write the story of how I met my husband, it might just be a good time.

In 1998 after a slew of various part time jobs and attending a few semesters of jr college, I was hired at a department store called SteinMart in Waco, Tx near my hometown of Axtell. I started work there in the ladies’ dept 4 days before my 19th birthday.
Abel worked in the men’s dept on the opposite side of the store. One day he happened to bring over some ladies clothes that had been left in his area and I remember thinking “he’s cute”, but we didn’t speak to each other. Then a few weeks later we happened to be in the break room at the same time. He started a casual conversation with me, and I read him his horoscope from the newspaper. It was the most comfortable I’d ever been around a stranger in my life. A few days later we ended up in the break room together again, I was watching a talk show called Jenny Jones on TV and he asked me something about the show, from that we struck up a conversation. He asked me little details about my life such as my age and where I went to school. And from that a friendship was born…… from then on we just “happened” to find ourselves in the break room together quite often. I would try and catch glimpses of him across the store, I found myself looking on the posted work schedule in the break room to see if he worked the same hours I did that week. Then one day I walked in and checked the schedule only to see his name crossed out completely for the whole week. I asked around and found out he had quit earlier that day. I remember feeling disappointed and thinking “well I guess I’ll never see him again”. I went out on the floor and started working. An hour or so into my shift I looked up and saw Abel walking towards me. He chatted with me about how he got fed up with management and decided to quit; he hung around for a little while even though customers kept coming up to me bugging me with questions. Finally he left the store and said something like “well I guess I’ll see you around”. I still felt a little sad when he left. About 20 minutes later, I was paged with a phone call and it was him. He said that he wanted to ask me for my phone number, but lost his nerve with all the customers around. I gave it to him, but still wasn’t sure if he just wanted a platonic friendship or not. Later that night he called me around 10:00 , and I remember thinking……. “this is too late at night for just a platonic friendship, maybe he wants more”. We went on our first date a few weeks later, and after that spent every day together. We talked on the phone for hours and hours, one time talking from 10:00 at night until 5am. I could tell him anything and he listened. He told me he liked me more and more every time we talked. We shared our thoughts on family, college, work, friendships, religion, and what we wanted to do with our lives. We had so many things in common, and we made each other laugh hysterically. A month after our first date, he left for Basic Training [boot camp] for the Air Force in San Antonio. I can still see him in my mind standing at his doorway waving bye to me as I pulled away. Later he would tell me that he wanted me to ask him not to go.

He wasn’t allowed to use the phone for a few weeks, but finally one day he called. He was only allowed to talk for literally 5 minutes, but he said he would write. And that he did. We wrote back and forth constantly, but it was in that very first letter that he told me how he had come to love me. As time went on he was allowed more privileges at Basic Training, and we were able to talk on the phone again. He said his friends called him “telly” because he was always on the phone. Some days he was so busy he was only able to call me at 5am to tell me good morning, and then call me later that night to say good night. Over the course of 3 months my feelings grew and I realized one day that he and I together just seemed right. I had grown to love him. I was willing to change all my life plans for him, I would go wherever he went. I wanted to be by his side. We didn’t meet under the most ideal circumstances, and even though we raised many eyebrows getting married so quickly and at a young age I knew it was right. I knew it was God’s plan. There was no doubt. We have the same soul, he and I. It was destiny.

On February 15, 1999 we were married in a small chapel in San Antonio with only Abel’s parents as witnesses. We had our wedding later that April once he had graduated from USAF Tech school in San Antonio. We’ve lived in three cities and one very small town. We’ve endured career changes, college careers for us both, two children, buying a home, ups, downs, celebrations and disappointments. And whatever our future holds from here on out, it will never change the story of how we met and came to love each other.

Late Night Realizations

Sometimes it’s just about knowing yourself. Nothing else, just yourself. When faced with a really difficult question you only have to turn inward. When you don’t know where else to turn, or what to do; how to get through a situation or get over something. You have to know yourself. You have to know what you can handle, what you can’t. What you’re willing to sacrifice, and what you’re not. What you’re willing to survive, and what you simply can’t. You have to know what makes you happy, truly happy, like what makes your heart sing and warms your soul. We tend to think that being strong means surviving a situation and living to tell about it, or toughing out the hard times, or some think they are finding strength in control. One of the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn, and still struggle with, is that the more you fight to control a situation the more that situation is really controlling you. I think sometimes real strength comes in letting go. It comes in knowing when enough is enough; knowing when the pain starts to outweigh the good. Some of us are afraid to give up, to throw in the towel; we tend to think that’s a sign of weakness or that we’ve failed. But what I think is that’s where the real strength lies… not just knowing when to let go, but being able to.

Facebook

You started off as a place I could go to catch up with old friends, and maybe even make new ones; a place I could write silly, random, self-centered little blurbs about my life to break up the monotony of it all. I even shared you with my husband. Then I put myself out there, and linked others to my personal thoughts. I thought I was choosy and careful about who I invited in. I vented, I raged, I made fun of myself. I offered glimpses into my world. But even more then that, you gave me insight into others that I might not would have seen. I was a fly on the wall in conversations, sometimes putting pieces together....or thinking that I was. You make it too easy for secrets, new relationships, and instant communication for the lonely and the lost. You are a world all on your own. Or maybe just a trap.

Odd Ramblings

Okay so I seriously tried this out for the first time, just an experiment. I literally typed this post in less then 5 minutes, didn't edit myself or anything. As you will see, I promise, lol.

I’m just in the mood to write……I have work in front of me to do but I can’t focus on it right now. What else is new these days??? (who am I kidding? That’s been the story of my life! But that’s beside the point right now.) I’m trying this new thing I got from another blogger where you just freely type whatever comes to mind….I’m thinking it’s supposed to be therapeutic, IDK so far I don’t feel anything, lol. I’ve had a lot of shit going on in my life this past year, more then the usual shit anyway. Like EXTRA shit. Haha. Is this what being 30 is?? Good God I won’t make it to 40 at this rate. But that being said…..nothing really SUPER BAD has happened to me, I gotta keep it in perspective. Things could be MUCH WORSE. I’m kinda reaching a new point in adulthood where I realize I’ve attained so many of my goals that I’m running out of things to work towards. Well sort of. I guess since the beginning of March I’ve been faced with a challenge that is on my mind every minute of every day. So I have that. But otherwise what the hell am I doing in life right now? I’m tired of waking up and breathing the same air in and out. I bitch about the same shit every day. The same people (bless their hearts) have to listen to my same shit every day. I do the same things, I like the same things. Nothing different, nothing gained. Or wait, that was an actual saying wasn’t it…… “nothing ventured, nothing gained”. Anyway, I’m just typing and seeing what comes out of my mouth here (er, my hands….whatever). I didn’t realize I still get that bored with the mundane….being the creature of habit that I am. I mean when I was 18 I couldn’t keep a job or handle any responsibilities because I would get so bored with routine. I thought I outgrew that. I don’t even know what I’m talking about at this point and I’m boring myself so I’m gonna stop. This didn’t really work the way I thought it would, lol. Oh well. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?! haha

She looked at me with all her years of education,training, experience...and I knew she could see it in my face. My fear that I was a bad mother; our relationship was crumbling. Generations of faults having been passed down....inadequacies would be exposed.

Liberating? Maybe not.

So I get that women fought long and hard for equality and certain “freedoms”. I got that whole message growing up that I could pursue a college education, a career, AND get married and have babies. And I’m all for equality and freedom. But here lately I’m realizing that this whole careerwoman/mom/wife combo isn’t exactly a freeing experience. I mean, 40 hr work weeks, small children, husbands, and this supposed “me time” that everyone says we need…um really??? I mean, so just to get this whole “having it all dream” straight here-- along with keeping groceries in the house, paying bills, wiping snotty noses, doling out vitamins, scheduling appointments, checking homework, laying out school clothes, disciplining, setting rules, teaching my children how to be a person in this world, having quality family time, trying to have an actual meaningful career, being a wife (which has it’s own separate sub list trust me), I’m also supposed to fit in…date night with my man, girls night out with friends, and time alone to replenish myself?.... are you fucking kidding me?
Now I’m not saying that in my marriage and my family unit, I’m the only one who does everything. My husband and I definitely co-parent & he handles other daily tasks…it’s just…I don’t know…I feel like I took some big superwoman test and failed miserably. Intellectually I know that I can’t be all to everyone, and not to sound so conceited as to think that I AM everything to everyone, I’m not. I’m just saying that even though I know that out of that long list something is gonna get left out or not get my full attention I still continue to feel guilty; I still have feelings of inadequacy. And I don’t always get to choose what that something is either. Sometimes shit just happens and I’m left standing there going oh yeah I forgot to pay daycare last week, or oops the car is way overdue for an oil change; then sometimes I knowingly push certain aspects of my life aside because I’m too overwhelmed and I think they’ll be okay, or that will keep for now. I mean, we all know that even day to day tasks and regular maintenance on a car, house, parenting & marriage can be daunting at times for anyone. But sometimes a person can feel like they are suffocating in it all even when they have a partner. And that partner can end up feeling like they are quite insignificant to the other person.

I don’t know what it is exactly that causes women to believe that they can juggle all of these things on a daily basis and still be okay. I don’t know why we have these expectations not only for ourselves but for each other. I’ve often heard women tell one another “you know how it is, we gotta be supermom”, or “well as women we just have to figure it all out” or “women are miracle workers”.... I don’t know, all I’m sayin is that some days that whole “barefoot and pregnant” idea doesn’t seem so archaic. Women who juggle full time jobs and careers, children, husbands, etc have more on their plate then they could ever handle with all the love and care needed in a lifetime. When I was in college I read about a study on women who talked about how their “dream” had been to “have it all” (i.e. career & family) and how it was so "fulfilling". However, the study also showed that these same women were unable to deal with stress as easily as the other women, and in general seemed to be the most frustrated and most unsatisfied with life. It just seems like there should be a middle ground somewhere, there has to be. I mean women went from having no real place in society to being overloaded so much so that we have self help books and discussions on Oprah about how to multi-task and “filling your own glass”. How do we even survive the lives that we create for ourselves with these kinds of expectations? And why is it that we continue to create lives that are so busy we often neglect the people that mean the most to us? I'll tell you why -- because we continue to be lured into this "dream" that is actually just an illusion.

Finding Room to Breathe

Today has been a really good day...
1) I didn't cry or even tear up for the first time since March 2nd.
2) I could breathe freely ALL day
3) I was able to fully concentrate on my work!! This is HUGE.

Now what this all means exactly I'm not totally sure, I'm just thankful to have a "normal" day for the first time in weeks and I'm happy to have a reprieve from feeling heartbroken. Maybe I've finally pushed through the really raw, unbearable pain and gained some clarity. Maybe I have a new perspective now, and I kind of can see where to go from here. And maybe, just maybe, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe. We'll see.

If I Was Smart...

.... I would use this time to find out who I am without him.

.... I would respect the need for space & time.

.... I would learn to face the things I haven't wanted to in a very long time.

.... I would focus on positivity and productivity.

.... I would realize I don't have to just survive it, I can live through it.

Clearing the Air

I guess just in case I have blog readers that don't know what's going on with me, I want to explain my previous posts. First, no my husband didn't have an affair, secondly, I was actually mistaken about a betrayal on Valentine's Day, and thirdly I am still full of uncertainty and so is he. Now, isn't that all just clear as mud? Yeah, it is in my mind too.

Marriage & Divorce part II

I just got through telling a friend that maybe we just have different ideals of what a marital relationship should be. And that was after this morning when I just said to another friend I can see a future of working things out. Hmmmmm...flip flopping much?? I somehow have hopes that by writing these thoughts down, it will help me find more answers. I don't even care if anyone ever reads this, I don't care if it's public. Whatever. Sometimes it just is what it is, and keeping it all a secret doesn't make it any different. (I only have like 3 readers that I know of anyway. lol)
I know at some point I'll get to that really honest place inside me where I have to face whatever it is I haven't been facing. You don't just get to this point in an 11yr relationship overnight. It's been brewing. And maybe from day one.....I'm not really sure. I know that my defense mechanisms have started trying to take over, but I have to get past that. I can't get to pure honesty until I let my defenses down.

Marriage & Divorce (part I of many)

I don't feel like I can throw away everything I’ve gained, lost, invested in, worked on, endured, sacrificed, survived, gained, gained, gained in the last 11 years. In my mind, I know there has to be a way, we have to learn how to communicate differently. We have to make changes. And maybe the more time apart we have, or the more loss and pain I feel right now, will maybe give me even more motivation in the future to stick with making all those changes, and putting in the extra effort to figure out where we lost our ability to communicate.

Here's a quote that a friend shared with me this morning: "getting divorced during a hard time is like cutting off your foot because you have a hangnail"

Where I Am

Clarification and laughter have been the highlights of my week.

Many answers have brought me to a new place....

It's a very difficult place, kind of a scary place, but a very honest place to be right now.

This is what I DO know right now...

Today will never be the same as yesterday, this works for me and against me.

Betrayal can feel like a poison seeping slowly into your veins and traveling until it destroys every part of you.

I’m addicted to searching for answers ……and it’s like the betrayal continues…… Valentine’s Day?...Really???

Sometimes digging for the truth makes you wonder many, many, many times over if you really want to know the truth.

Because of decisions other people made…I have to focus to get through each day now with a huge amount of uncertainty.

Two days can feel like a week

Sometimes pain is so overwhelming that in a very short period of time it can start to feel like the norm…

…And sometimes it’s so numbing that you just realize you’ll survive it.

Random Stuff

Instead of writing a whole post about any of the goings on in my life the past month or so....here are some blurbs that kind of sum things up.

Learning how to deal with unhealthy relationships can start at 8 yrs old sometimes.

Being healthy, emotionally & physically, is so incredibly important and vital; I just can’t figure out why it’s so extremely difficult for people to accomplish and maintain, myself included!

Everyone in college should minor in “professional politics”.

As a person who isn’t really shocked by a whole lot, I sure have been taken aback by a few things this past week!

Being loyal to someone can sometimes take you to places you don’t want to be, and then you have to re-examine the whole loyalty thing.

Old ghosts will come back to haunt you after you think they're long gone.

If reincarnation really does exist, I want to come back as a cat.

When They Grow Up

As a parent of two young girls, I have often thought about what they will be like when they grow up, the careers they'll choose, the husbands, if they will choose motherhood or not….
It’s kind of fun from time to time to speculate a career path based on the interests & abilities they have now as children. Last night as Olivia colored a page in her Princess and the Frog coloring book she gave me a little blurb about each crayon she pulled out of the box, and I thought about how she’s always been such a story teller…..from that I started thinking about what I could see them doing 20 yrs from now based on how they are at this age. Here’s what I came up with:

Olivia: I'm thinking she'll be a News Reporter or a talk show host....anything where she is allowed to talk non-stop uninterrupted, tell stories, add little blurbs about even the most mundane of activities, and in general be funny.

Alexandria: Something where she will combine her love of Science & outdoors, artistic abilities, and overwhelming sensitivity to all things living... hmmm....an artsy Marine biologist with a big heart??

Wherever they end up, my constant hope is that they will above all else, be able to tune into their God given talents and abilities and find their place in the world.

2010

I’m totally copying this idea from my friend Rose… and just like her I dislike New Year’s resolutions so I never make them. HOWEVER, this year I am feeling the need for some changes and I’m definitely welcoming the New Year with open arms. The past 6 months have been very stressful (to say the least) for my husband and I. I’ll spare you some of the details, but it started in July with his car dying on us (leaving us one car with four people to get to four different places every day); after that the hits just seemed to keep coming. So in one way or another I am determined to have a better/happier year from here on out. Though I can say that the various roller coasters we’ve been on over the past few months have seemed to make our marriage even stronger, and for that I am extremely grateful.

Here’s my list of things I would like to improve upon in my life this year:

Stress management

Parenting

Alone/quality time with husband

Incorporating exercise as part of my lifestyle

I guess only time will tell if I actually follow through with any of this, but maybe it will at least give me more interesting things to blog about!