Sometimes I have wondered what’s worse; a parent who chooses not to face or deal with any of their child’s emotional turmoil or hardships, or a parent who is just absent altogether (like ran off with the gypsies and left said child on g’ma’s porch as a newborn).
I grew up with the first kind of parent. My parents were there physically and yes all my basic needs were met, and yes I knew they loved me. But there’s something that happens to a child on the inside when mom and dad are incapable of dealing with their emotions; parents who choose to put on a blindfold and look the other way.
My dad sustained a brain injury when I was 9, and could no longer work. The injury caused permanent damage to his brain, affecting his moods and how he coped with stress. Meaning: He has zero tolerance for any type of stress, has mood swings, severe depression, and then chose to cope with it all by isolating himself and smoking marijuana daily. Now, 23 yrs later, he is coping much better, and the mood swings & bouts of depression are less frequent, however those are the memories I’m stuck with of my dad from childhood; yelling, punching holes in walls, or severe depression. Secrets were kept, and things were glossed over with a simple “we’ll get through it” or “we’ll pray about it”. So even when I was 14 and the ATF raided our house (in helicopters and vans) because someone turned my dad in for running a “marijuana farm”, and he faced jail time for the 90lbs of marijuana that was growing behind our house [though he was never selling it, that was a false accusation] my mother simply stated the facts to us and that was that. After a few weeks of sobriety my dad became severely depressed and suicidal. He stayed in various psychiatric hospitals over the course of the next few months.
Looking back I realize that my mom was doing all she could to keep her head above water. All she had ever known was survival. Her parents were emotionally & oftentimes physically absent, her dad was a binge drinker whom she had to pick up from bars in her teen years when he was too drunk to drive home, and she is the only one of three daughters that wasn’t crippled with Mental Retardation or severe anxiety and later alcoholism. I get it. But what bothers me and what I struggle with admitting is that I’m angry that she could never seem to be there for me. Like REALLY be there. Yes, my mom would jump in front of a truck if it would save me from danger, yes she would keep my kids last minute if I needed it or loan me money if she has it. And YES I am thankful for those blessings that others don’t have. But like I said, something happens to you on the inside when you watch your mother & father ignore your emotional needs; when they fail you during the toughest times of your childhood and teen years.
When I was frightened by the things I saw in the psych hospitals my mother never asked how I felt…
When everyone at my small town school knew my dad had been arrested my mother never asked how I felt…
When I stayed locked in my room, only surfacing to eat, throughout the majority of my teen years, my mother never asked how I felt!!!
By the time I was 19 my mother had managed to consume herself with handling life around us, and she so easily chose to blindfold herself when something might be too emotionally overwhelming or God forbid, she might have to talk to one of us about how we felt or actually gain some information about what we were doing with our lives in teenhood. So her reaction really shouldn’t have been a shocker when my 19yr old self announced I was getting married to a 20 yr old guy I had only known a few months, and she simply said “ok, well do we get to meet him?”.
A few months into marriage when I expressed to her how afraid I was of my husband’s anger one day, she simply said “but he’s good to you right.” and then put on her blindfold…
When she saw the wounds on my wrist after an argument with him, she accepted my pathetic attempt at a lie and put on her blindfold…
When my sister started staying in her room for days at a time with severe depression not even coming out to use the bathroom because of her anxiety, and would just pee in a bucket…or when my brother started getting DUI’s, and drinking everyday… my mom chose her blindfold…
There are countless other examples of when my mom simply chose to not be involved in our lives on an emotional level. My dad had the “out” of being considered incapable, but for my mom who was a college educated, professional, Christian, kind hearted woman who simply continued to look the other way…it was CONFUSING. I know that I had two parents present in my life, yet I seem to be the angriest at my mom. I think somewhere in my mind I concluded that my dad had a physical handicap that simply didn’t allow for him to be emotionally supportive of anyone else. All he could manage was himself, and even that was a stretch. In my head, my mother never had good reason to ignore the obvious signs that her children were struggling. Now as a 32 yr old social worker and budding therapist I do see her in a different light. I do realize that she was handicapped in her own way because of her childhood. I try to accept that, and hope that the anger subsides, and it has some. The damage is slowly undoing itself while I’m in therapy. In the wake of my separation and divorce I realized more and more how different my life truly would have been had I grown up with at least one emotionally supportive parent, but the reality is that I didn’t.
Today my relationship with my mom can be taxing at times. We have a love/hate that is incredibly unhealthy. I haven’t liked hugs or kisses from my mom since I was a teenager, and could never figure out why because I’m incredibly affectionate with my own kids, friends, and significant others. I think there is a lot of hurt, frustration, anger, and confusion deep down inside that’s still trying to surface. I struggle with feelings and worry of abandonment, rejection, and loneliness. I know exactly what it all stems from. I know the exact moments in my life where if my mother had handled something differently my life would have headed down a totally different course. That can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes, but I’m trying.
I grew up with the first kind of parent. My parents were there physically and yes all my basic needs were met, and yes I knew they loved me. But there’s something that happens to a child on the inside when mom and dad are incapable of dealing with their emotions; parents who choose to put on a blindfold and look the other way.
My dad sustained a brain injury when I was 9, and could no longer work. The injury caused permanent damage to his brain, affecting his moods and how he coped with stress. Meaning: He has zero tolerance for any type of stress, has mood swings, severe depression, and then chose to cope with it all by isolating himself and smoking marijuana daily. Now, 23 yrs later, he is coping much better, and the mood swings & bouts of depression are less frequent, however those are the memories I’m stuck with of my dad from childhood; yelling, punching holes in walls, or severe depression. Secrets were kept, and things were glossed over with a simple “we’ll get through it” or “we’ll pray about it”. So even when I was 14 and the ATF raided our house (in helicopters and vans) because someone turned my dad in for running a “marijuana farm”, and he faced jail time for the 90lbs of marijuana that was growing behind our house [though he was never selling it, that was a false accusation] my mother simply stated the facts to us and that was that. After a few weeks of sobriety my dad became severely depressed and suicidal. He stayed in various psychiatric hospitals over the course of the next few months.
Looking back I realize that my mom was doing all she could to keep her head above water. All she had ever known was survival. Her parents were emotionally & oftentimes physically absent, her dad was a binge drinker whom she had to pick up from bars in her teen years when he was too drunk to drive home, and she is the only one of three daughters that wasn’t crippled with Mental Retardation or severe anxiety and later alcoholism. I get it. But what bothers me and what I struggle with admitting is that I’m angry that she could never seem to be there for me. Like REALLY be there. Yes, my mom would jump in front of a truck if it would save me from danger, yes she would keep my kids last minute if I needed it or loan me money if she has it. And YES I am thankful for those blessings that others don’t have. But like I said, something happens to you on the inside when you watch your mother & father ignore your emotional needs; when they fail you during the toughest times of your childhood and teen years.
When I was frightened by the things I saw in the psych hospitals my mother never asked how I felt…
When everyone at my small town school knew my dad had been arrested my mother never asked how I felt…
When I stayed locked in my room, only surfacing to eat, throughout the majority of my teen years, my mother never asked how I felt!!!
By the time I was 19 my mother had managed to consume herself with handling life around us, and she so easily chose to blindfold herself when something might be too emotionally overwhelming or God forbid, she might have to talk to one of us about how we felt or actually gain some information about what we were doing with our lives in teenhood. So her reaction really shouldn’t have been a shocker when my 19yr old self announced I was getting married to a 20 yr old guy I had only known a few months, and she simply said “ok, well do we get to meet him?”.
A few months into marriage when I expressed to her how afraid I was of my husband’s anger one day, she simply said “but he’s good to you right.” and then put on her blindfold…
When she saw the wounds on my wrist after an argument with him, she accepted my pathetic attempt at a lie and put on her blindfold…
When my sister started staying in her room for days at a time with severe depression not even coming out to use the bathroom because of her anxiety, and would just pee in a bucket…or when my brother started getting DUI’s, and drinking everyday… my mom chose her blindfold…
There are countless other examples of when my mom simply chose to not be involved in our lives on an emotional level. My dad had the “out” of being considered incapable, but for my mom who was a college educated, professional, Christian, kind hearted woman who simply continued to look the other way…it was CONFUSING. I know that I had two parents present in my life, yet I seem to be the angriest at my mom. I think somewhere in my mind I concluded that my dad had a physical handicap that simply didn’t allow for him to be emotionally supportive of anyone else. All he could manage was himself, and even that was a stretch. In my head, my mother never had good reason to ignore the obvious signs that her children were struggling. Now as a 32 yr old social worker and budding therapist I do see her in a different light. I do realize that she was handicapped in her own way because of her childhood. I try to accept that, and hope that the anger subsides, and it has some. The damage is slowly undoing itself while I’m in therapy. In the wake of my separation and divorce I realized more and more how different my life truly would have been had I grown up with at least one emotionally supportive parent, but the reality is that I didn’t.
Today my relationship with my mom can be taxing at times. We have a love/hate that is incredibly unhealthy. I haven’t liked hugs or kisses from my mom since I was a teenager, and could never figure out why because I’m incredibly affectionate with my own kids, friends, and significant others. I think there is a lot of hurt, frustration, anger, and confusion deep down inside that’s still trying to surface. I struggle with feelings and worry of abandonment, rejection, and loneliness. I know exactly what it all stems from. I know the exact moments in my life where if my mother had handled something differently my life would have headed down a totally different course. That can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes, but I’m trying.
