The Dreaded V-Day

You know what’s romantic and HOT to me? Know how to fix my car when it breaks down. Go outside in the cold early morning before work, and warm my car up for me. Fix my squeaky dryer. Get your hands dirty, and like it. Smile at me like I’m the only thing in the world that makes you smile. If you love me, then tell me and show me all year long. I don’t need one day for it to be more special then the others. I want someone who makes my life special, and I do the same for them. Roses die, chocolates make us fat, I’m too old for stuffed animals, sweet words can be written any time on free paper, and balloons deflate (And come on people, a balloon?? Be for real.)!
Some people may say I’m not very romantic, but I happen to find romance in stuff that is real and genuine. And I just flat out don’t buy into the February 14th bullshit.

XOXOXO
~Jenn

I Have Wondered

Sometimes I have wondered what’s worse; a parent who chooses not to face or deal with any of their child’s emotional turmoil or hardships, or a parent who is just absent altogether (like ran off with the gypsies and left said child on g’ma’s porch as a newborn).

I grew up with the first kind of parent. My parents were there physically and yes all my basic needs were met, and yes I knew they loved me. But there’s something that happens to a child on the inside when mom and dad are incapable of dealing with their emotions; parents who choose to put on a blindfold and look the other way.

My dad sustained a brain injury when I was 9, and could no longer work. The injury caused permanent damage to his brain, affecting his moods and how he coped with stress. Meaning: He has zero tolerance for any type of stress, has mood swings, severe depression, and then chose to cope with it all by isolating himself and smoking marijuana daily. Now, 23 yrs later, he is coping much better, and the mood swings & bouts of depression are less frequent, however those are the memories I’m stuck with of my dad from childhood; yelling, punching holes in walls, or severe depression. Secrets were kept, and things were glossed over with a simple “we’ll get through it” or “we’ll pray about it”. So even when I was 14 and the ATF raided our house (in helicopters and vans) because someone turned my dad in for running a “marijuana farm”, and he faced jail time for the 90lbs of marijuana that was growing behind our house [though he was never selling it, that was a false accusation] my mother simply stated the facts to us and that was that. After a few weeks of sobriety my dad became severely depressed and suicidal. He stayed in various psychiatric hospitals over the course of the next few months.

Looking back I realize that my mom was doing all she could to keep her head above water. All she had ever known was survival. Her parents were emotionally & oftentimes physically absent, her dad was a binge drinker whom she had to pick up from bars in her teen years when he was too drunk to drive home, and she is the only one of three daughters that wasn’t crippled with Mental Retardation or severe anxiety and later alcoholism. I get it. But what bothers me and what I struggle with admitting is that I’m angry that she could never seem to be there for me. Like REALLY be there. Yes, my mom would jump in front of a truck if it would save me from danger, yes she would keep my kids last minute if I needed it or loan me money if she has it. And YES I am thankful for those blessings that others don’t have. But like I said, something happens to you on the inside when you watch your mother & father ignore your emotional needs; when they fail you during the toughest times of your childhood and teen years.

When I was frightened by the things I saw in the psych hospitals my mother never asked how I felt…

When everyone at my small town school knew my dad had been arrested my mother never asked how I felt…

When I stayed locked in my room, only surfacing to eat, throughout the majority of my teen years, my mother never asked how I felt!!!

By the time I was 19 my mother had managed to consume herself with handling life around us, and she so easily chose to blindfold herself when something might be too emotionally overwhelming or God forbid, she might have to talk to one of us about how we felt or actually gain some information about what we were doing with our lives in teenhood. So her reaction really shouldn’t have been a shocker when my 19yr old self announced I was getting married to a 20 yr old guy I had only known a few months, and she simply said “ok, well do we get to meet him?”.

A few months into marriage when I expressed to her how afraid I was of my husband’s anger one day, she simply said “but he’s good to you right.” and then put on her blindfold…

When she saw the wounds on my wrist after an argument with him, she accepted my pathetic attempt at a lie and put on her blindfold…

When my sister started staying in her room for days at a time with severe depression not even coming out to use the bathroom because of her anxiety, and would just pee in a bucket…or when my brother started getting DUI’s, and drinking everyday… my mom chose her blindfold…

There are countless other examples of when my mom simply chose to not be involved in our lives on an emotional level. My dad had the “out” of being considered incapable, but for my mom who was a college educated, professional, Christian, kind hearted woman who simply continued to look the other way…it was CONFUSING. I know that I had two parents present in my life, yet I seem to be the angriest at my mom. I think somewhere in my mind I concluded that my dad had a physical handicap that simply didn’t allow for him to be emotionally supportive of anyone else. All he could manage was himself, and even that was a stretch. In my head, my mother never had good reason to ignore the obvious signs that her children were struggling. Now as a 32 yr old social worker and budding therapist I do see her in a different light. I do realize that she was handicapped in her own way because of her childhood. I try to accept that, and hope that the anger subsides, and it has some. The damage is slowly undoing itself while I’m in therapy. In the wake of my separation and divorce I realized more and more how different my life truly would have been had I grown up with at least one emotionally supportive parent, but the reality is that I didn’t.
Today my relationship with my mom can be taxing at times. We have a love/hate that is incredibly unhealthy. I haven’t liked hugs or kisses from my mom since I was a teenager, and could never figure out why because I’m incredibly affectionate with my own kids, friends, and significant others. I think there is a lot of hurt, frustration, anger, and confusion deep down inside that’s still trying to surface. I struggle with feelings and worry of abandonment, rejection, and loneliness. I know exactly what it all stems from. I know the exact moments in my life where if my mother had handled something differently my life would have headed down a totally different course. That can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes, but I’m trying.

Things I Have Actually Said Outloud...

...while perusing my matches on an online dating site. : /  Seriously, I'm not making any of this up.  Just thought I'd share...

"He was on the other site too! Dude, give it up, you're gay!"

"Ugh, he has elf ears!"

"That's because you look like a pedophile..."

"um, gross"

"Cute, but can't spell."

"You're obviously high in all these pictures"

"Well gee with a screen name like 'Elated HoneyStick', who could resist?? Oh, and you're 50? Even better!"

(big sigh)  I think I'll stick with finding happiness as a single girl :)

I Am Me

Part of self discovery post divorce...


I like that I have never lost my enthusiasm for summertime.

I feel at peace in the water.

I think I would wither away without music.

Online dating sites depress me.

I’m pretty sure I am too carefree and passionate with my love.

I don’t like it when someone doesn’t like me; it makes me feel misunderstood.

I think I have a knack for cooking, decorating, and organizing.

I like being in charge.

I have workaholic tendencies.

Sleep is the only vacation my mind ever gets.

I wish I had more self discipline.

I struggle, I fall apart, and I have breakdowns.

I’m happy I found life without anxiety.

I think quickly on my feet.

I like laughing so hard I can’t breathe.

I really love cheese, like to a ridiculous degree.

I’m kind of obsessed with food.

Technology and math elude me.

I get vicious when I’m tired or hungry.

I never hold grudges.

I have a sixth sense for bullshit.

I’m not always the person I want to be.

I’m smart. I’m nurturing. I’m jaded.

I am me.

What It’s Like When Divorce Is a Happy Ending

Preface

Everyone who knows me well, knows that I write; all the time, about everything. Whether it’s short blurbs on FB, posts on my blog, or in a personal journal, I’m always writing. I even use the memo app on my phone in case I need to write when I’m out and about. I’ve wanted to write about my marriage/divorce experience for a while, but up to this point my brain was too overwhelmed to make anything happen on paper that wasn’t much longer then a facebook status. I know at one time divorce was something that I didn’t think too much of because I wasn’t experiencing it, plus it’s still kind of one of those ugly words in society that no one wants to think about. People still have a tendency to think that divorce means you just didn’t try or someone cheated. But I can tell you that after 3 months of dating, 11 years of marriage, 1 year of separation, and 5 months of divorce with that man….I’m STILL trying. And no one cheated.

One of the biggest surprises in separation and divorce is how friends will either choose sides (not choose you) or they will simply disappear. It hurts, it’s confusing, and it’s another loss to grieve on top of everything else. So you are left to make heads or tails of it, and then just accept it. Happy couples don’t want to be around divorcees. I haven’t quite decided if it’s because they are afraid divorce is contagious or just because they don’t want to acknowledge unsuccessful or unhappy marriages. Another big surprise is the amount of courage it takes to be the one to end something badly. I once compared it to having to shoot a dog that you accidentally ran over and is dying slowly and torturously in front of your eyes. It takes courage to end the suffering. Had someone fully convinced me beforehand of what it would take to end my marriage, I don’t know that I would have had the guts, energy, or faith to go through with it.

Hopefully sharing my experience will possibly help someone else in a similar situation sort some things out. But in reality I’m sure only about 3 people will read this (and I know who you all are!); either way writing about it helps me. Which brings me to another aspect of the divorce process that you don’t think about until you’re in the middle of it…it takes time; not just in the legal sense, but emotionally. It takes a very long time to forgive your ex and yourself for the resentments that can build up over the years; to learn how to form a new kind of relationship (when there are children involved); to mourn your marriage -what it was as well as what it never was; and finally, to file away the memories-deciding what to cherish, and what to let go of. Time is both your friend and enemy during this process.

So I preface all that I’m going to write and share with this disclaimer: This is my account of my marriage, separation & divorce; my perspective, my feelings, and my opinion of my relationship with him, and what caused him to be the kind of husband he was.

Chapter 1

Who I Married

You can never quite explain to people what it’s like to be married to someone who falls under the Histrionic Personality Disorder category (that’s right, I diagnosed my ex). It’s something that has to be experienced, not that anyone would want to though. He/she can be very charming on the outside, makes friends easily, finds something in common with you, and likes to be the center of attention & life of the party. But what you don’t see from the outside is that growing up they were consistently abused or neglected in some form (not always physically!) by their primary caregivers. Without going into great detail, my ex husband was treated pretty unfairly by the two people who were supposed to love him more then anyone else—his parents. Therefore his emotional needs weren’t met so there you have it….an insecure little boy inside a grown man’s body.

In the briefest way possible here is a little bit about what it’s like to be married to someone like this:

1) Everything is your fault; no matter what. Even if it’s insanely illogical, it is spun in a way to be the other person’s fault. This makes the “Histrionic” feel better. He/she is way too uncomfortable to have to accept fault for something. This is a bad feeling and they don’t want to feel this and will avoid it at all cost.

ONE EXAMPLE OF HUNDREDS: One time we ran out of gas out in the country, miles from a store in the middle of the night. He had loaned our car to his brother & I needed to drive out to my parent’s house for something, so he borrowed his dad’s truck. When we ran out of gas and had to walk for 3 hours he said it was all my fault. Why? Because my parent’s lived too far out. Not because he loaned out our car, not because he was driving and didn’t check the gas gauge, but simply because of the location of my parent’s home. He was so angry with the situation all he could do (all he KNEW to do) was to take it out on me. I remember walking past a house where some dogs started growling and barking, and sounded close to us, but it was so pitch black we couldn’t see them. I was afraid and reached out for his hand, only to have him shrug it off. He refused to speak to me for the entire three hours we walked that night.

2) He/she will always feel attacked no matter what you do or say. Especially once you’ve “wounded” them, which isn’t hard. And by wound them I mean, stand up for yourself, set boundaries, or disagree with their stance or opinion on something. Any time you do any of these things, you are “attacking” them, or so they feel & they react in defense mode. Oftentimes you are left standing there with your jaw on the floor wondering what the hell just happened. Eventually you may even start to question your own sanity because after a while you’ve no doubt been told numerous times that you are mean, vicious, or evil. And no matter what you say in your own defense you are told you are lying. This will definitely make you feel crazy, but in actuality because you know you are NOT crazy, it just maddens you even more.

3) Histrionics will sometimes have perfectionist tendencies and compete with others to be the best. You may find yourself in a competition that you didn’t even know you entered, and it can be over anything; cooking, cleaning, parenting, who has more friends. It’s quite confusing to find yourself in a competition you didn’t enter, but then to always have to lose? Maddening.

4) All of their emotions are in high gear. Histrionic men typically only have two main emotions, happy or angry. There is no middle ground. Much like how Histrionics view the world around them; no gray areas. They can produce the same amount of anger over a fast food order gone wrong and totaling a vehicle. I can tell you what it’s like to live in constant stress mode knowing that if your spouse isn’t happy, there will be hell to endure.

5) They cannot deal with anyone else’s negative emotions; this is too much of a burden. If you are having a bad day, or you’re sad, or angry don’t expect the histrionic to support you. Next thing you know your bad day has now turned into an argument in which they are now the center of attention and are for some reason angry with you, and you aren’t even sure why! It can happen so fast it makes your head spin, trust me.

6) He/she will NEVER own up to any of these traits. If you try to point them out they feel attacked or blamed for doing or being something “bad”. If you try different ways to communicate, they just assume you are trying to manipulate them (another form of attack), and will accuse you of such. According to my ex-husband I am a master manipulator & liar simply because I tried various ways to effectively communicate. (silly me)

If you find yourself frustrated or angered reading this, then imagine living it daily for over a decade. Fun times! If you find yourself wondering why the hell anyone would stay in a relationship like this… well let me answer that; at least from my perspective of having survived it.

To be continued... hopefully…

Chapter 2: Who I Was
Chapter 3: I Stayed Because of the Children, and Then I Left Because of the Children
Chapter 4: Who I Am Now (alternately titled “Free At Last, Thank God Almighty!!!”)

I think I have finally stopped moving long enough to realize how much my life is actually going in the right direction.  Despite the hang ups here and there I'm still moving forward.  Maybe this is part of healing...you finally stop whining and crying long enough to look around and remember the good stuff.

A Better Place to Be

I get closer and closer each day. :)