Who Knows

Is it that you never meant what you said? Or you just changed your mind that easily? Just wondered.

Peace

I am on a journey to find inner peace. I have found myself on an emotional roller coaster, the highs are so high, and the lows have been pretty low. A friend recently described it as “peace, hell, peace, hell, peace, hell…heartache”; she’s a wise and insightful lady. I feel as though I have done, and am doing everything in my power to get out of this state of emotional turmoil. I started working out (and believe me sweating works wonders!!!), I’ve done things to feel better about myself physically, I’ve tried to focus on my blessings (i.e. my children), I’ve taken on new opportunities career wise. All these things I’ve done to try and smother the pain. Thing is that it isn’t just pain; it’s sadness, anxiety, harsh reality, the sting of memories, the loss of what could have been, the loss of what was (albeit a very long time ago), uncertainty for the future, the feeling of having the ground pulled out from under your feet and trying to find your footing again in unknown territory. That last statement is probably the best explanation: Finding my footing.
Coincidentally as all this is going on in my life I am working on my clinical licensure. Through that I have learned that ultimately the best way to deal with emotional turmoil is to figure out whatever your internal conflict is, and learn how to integrate it into your life. This way your defenses can come down some, and you don’t feel the need to constantly fight against the pain every day. So integration……… how does one do that?? I guess it would be different for everyone, but this is what I’m working on now. I call it “finding inner peace” which just sounds prettier.

This I Know..

Hallelujah lyrics by Leonard Cohen

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty
in the moonlight
overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne,
she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you'd let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me do you?
Remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Tristitia

Every time I start to write a new blog post I end up just staring at the screen and not knowing what to say. Sure I have plenty of things I write about that will never go public, but there’s also something really cathartic about writing things that others can read (not that I have all these blog readers, but you know what I mean). So as far as where I am right now…… here are a few of the disjointed thoughts that roam around in my head on almost a daily basis. Disclaimer: this is depressing

I think back to the difficult times I’ve been through in my life, and I think I’d rather suffer through any one of those again instead of feeling the way I feel right now.

Some days I look around at other people and I see them smiling so genuinely… and I hate them for it.

I can now say that I have been on both sides of the fence and back. The grass was the same, now what?

Sometimes you have to take a really, really, really broken road to get where you’re supposed to end up. And that really, really, really SUCKS.

I now know that it’s very possible to wake up one day and not recognize your life. You feel like the you that you’ve always been on the inside, and you go through the same routines and motions of what you should do, but you look around and everything is totally unrecognizable.

If you ever want to see a situation for what it truly is, detach yourself emotionally. You’ll see some ugly shit.

I am forever grateful for the people that choose to remain in my life despite the stupid shit that I do. At the same time I would give anything to feel like there is someone out there who truly understands me and why I do it.

Upon Saving

"Your relationship with Abel Torres will end upon saving"...... that's what facebook said.