Memos to Myself

Sometimes I jot down quick thoughts during the day or night on my cell phone app, "memos".  Thought I'd share a few:

"Reality.  It's the surprise of when it hits.....like in the middle of doing laundry."

"There will always be those people that think you should be a certain way, think a certain way, live a certain way.  Always."

"I think I sighed at least 10 times out loud today.  Tired. Monotony of surviving. Stuck somewhere between here and there."

"I woke up this morning to Dwight's 'A Thousand Miles from Nowhere'.... hope that's not prophetic in any way."

Sometimes I'm sad just for their sake... the 19 and 20 year old.  Young & carefree; their whole lives ahead of them.  Two fools in love.

You Have to Live It To Understand It

"Emotional horror", she said.  I thought I understood, but I just wasn't in the right place to fully grasp it.  "I've felt that bad before", I kept thinking.... "so what could be worse?".  Little did I know.

It's a state of limbo.  Not belonging anywhere.  Stuck in a past I no longer wanted, yet afraid to move too far ahead.  Making concrete decisions, but unable to fully let go.  Emotional horror.  Bittersweet & promise;  caught in the in between.  Afraid to allow hope and excitement to stay; heavy laden with guilt.  Unsure of what I'm clinging to, but the cold realizations that I'm still clinging.  Emotional horror.  Speaking so casually about a life I've never known, someone else's life, wait....my life.  Surreal.  Waves of confusion, anger, hurt, then more guilt.  The changes come fast, but painstakingly.  It starts to feel like torture, then I catch a glimpse of light.  I take another step forward.  I glance back; my heart hurts.  Emotional horror.