Cowboy Boots

There they were at my front door step.  Everything I had envisioned so clearly for quite some time now.  Cowboy boots, and gentlemanly ways with an aire of confidence & control...... only this time the lines were blurred.

Trapped

 Kind eyes and a warm smile…. so misleading.  Not the way out, but oh how I wish it was.  Instead I remain trapped.

Taboo

Despite how common divorce is, it seems to still be taboo in some parts of the U.S. (i.e. where I live & amongst many people I know).  It seems like so many people would rather stay unhappily married then to “give up” or admit it wasn’t working. 

I guess I understand though….I did that for a long time too. 

Then one day I decided to do something different. 

And my God, who knew the courage & strength it would take.

Rebirth

“Well, sometimes it's necessary for a rebirth, but you know that.”

.....An innocent email from my sister got me to thinking, Can you ever really be “reborn”? I mean not in the spiritual sense because that’s not even where I’m trying to go with this. But I thought her choice of words was interesting….. “rebirth”.  I mean, sure I know what she means, but is it possible? I mean truly possible to start your life over from scratch? I don’t think so. When we’re born we are innocent, and free from a past. Can that ever happen again? Despite how much we may want to forget, and how much we may choose to leave people and places behind, and how much we try to sell ourselves on the concept of letting go, we never really unshed our past.  It is engrained in us, and as much a part of our identity as our eye color. I guess the best we can hope for is to learn from the past, and accept it as a part of who we have become; embrace rather then let go.  Move forward not to be reborn or start fresh, but to continue on living life with the wisdom & strength that only an undesirable past can bring you.

Disclaimer

Sometimes I feel like I’ve been ousted from this privileged club; one full of people who manage to keep their marriage together.  As my divorce moves forward I’m sure I’ll be finding myself “announcing” it again & again.  And I’m realizing more and more that I want everyone to know that I tried. Like I feel the need to add a disclaimer to my divorce status stating “I was married for 11 years and gave it everything I had.  So much so that it sucked me dry.  I lay my head on my pillow each night knowing that I gave 250%, but it still failed.  That happens sometimes.  Yes it’s sad, no it isn’t the story I envisioned for myself, but sometimes that happens too.”

I Can Relate

"Could've loved you all my life
if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold"

To Be Continued.......

So I've done the whole "wife thing", and it wasn't always what I had envisioned, dreamed about, hoped for, etc, etc....
But there were some good times; times when I felt blessed, times when I felt sheer joy at the sight of this other human being. 
There were definite hard times, sad times, and times when I felt sheer hatred at the sight of this other human being. 
Sadly enough the latter happened waaaay more often then it should have. 
But I did it.  I was the wife.  Now I'm done.  What's next??

Oh, the Places I Have Lived

 I copied this idea from a blog I read a few years ago, and thought it would be fun to write.

I grew up in Axtell, Tx which is a very small town outside of Waco; 30 miles out into the country….wide open spaces, dirt roads, pastures full of wild flowers in the summer, a night sky full of stars, and the sound of crickets and locusts on summer evenings…. I was incredibly bored, and couldn’t wait to leave! And no sooner than I had my high school diploma in hand I was off to Denton, Tx to attend college with one of my best friends.

It was there that I learned that God will send you big, flashing, neon signs to let you know you’re going the wrong way.

So I moved back home, back to the country, and back in with my parents. My 18th year was fast and furious mixed with various jobs & boys, some I’m not so proud of (both the jobs and the boys), and others I’ve long since forgotten. Four days after my 19th birthday I started work at a department store where, little did I know, I would meet my future husband. And by “future” I mean we were engaged within 5 months, and married 3 months after that. He was in the Air Force so this meant we would be moving shortly after we wed. Our first station was San Angelo, Tx …. 360 miles from everyone we knew.

During my four years in San Angelo, I attended college, sold bras at Victoria’s Secret, and unexpectedly became a mother at the tender age of 22. I enjoyed hole in the wall restaurants that have sweet memories in my heart (yes, I love food that much), picked up more Spanish vocabulary, and made a home with my husband. I also woke up one morning to hear that the World Trade Center had gone down in flames, and turned on the TV in time to see the second tower fall….while living on a military base, my husband on “mobility”, and 9 months pregnant. After that day we couldn’t leave to get groceries without having to drive over bomb detector equipment, and have our car searched. While our country prepared for war, I prepared to bring a baby into the world.

We soon grew tired of this quiet city, and felt it was time for a change. He put in orders for Germany, Hawaii, and Arlington, Tx; we ended up in Arlington (apparently God was determined to keep us in the Lone Star state).

Though I have to say….I LOVED Arlington! Finally a REAL city! We found an awesome, but overly expensive apartment, and lived there with our sweet baby girl who was almost 2 years old. Arlington brought on bouts of allergies and asthma complications for the whole family. I attended my 4th college, had my first experience of driving out of a preschool parking lot with tears streaming down my face, and attempted cocktail waitressing again which I hadn’t done since I was 18.

After a year in Arlington I decided that it was time to put down permanent roots somewhere, and I thought of home…yes the small town life that I once thought I hated. So we left our super cute, way too expensive apartment, and moved back to Axtell where I had grown up. After a torturous 9 months of living with my parents we found and bought a house that we LOVED. That house became a home very quickly, and we owned it with pride. We accumulated various pets, things, another vehicle; endured career changes, and yes still college for me. A year or so later our 5 year old daughter became a big sister to our second baby girl.

Fast forward 4 years, and I still live in this small town. A lot of changes have taken place, but I still call Axtell my home. I have no idea what the future holds, but I’m glad that my short journey in life (so far) brought me back to my roots.

Update? Yes I think so.

Moving forward one step at a time.  The decisions become more concrete, yet I still find cracks. Occasional waves of guilt, loss, and sadness; but mostly an immense feeling of freedom.  Was my heart chained so heavily?  Confusing.  What if it always feels this way? 
It's never easy I suppose... even when you're the one that chooses to "leave".  There's something really tragic about a love dying between two people who once saved each other, protected each other, and thought that forever existed. 


"There are some nights when sleep plays coy, aloof, and disdainful...."