Easter Can Be Full of Promise

I’m sitting here on my porch at the end of Easter Sunday thinking about how I just made it through another holiday post separation/divorce; and this particular holiday comes two weeks after a heartbreaking end to another relationship.

I feel the evening breeze on my skin and through my hair. I watch the leaves and tree branches dance in the wind; dusk is setting in. I see my cat running across the pasture to come home, I watch the guard light flicker on, and somewhere in the distance I hear a car on the highway.

A million thoughts run through my mind...him, how I miss what we had, how he ultimately betrayed me because of feelings for an old love, and now the acceptance that it wasn’t meant to be. I think of my future, and I feel so unsure. I say prayers of thankfulness that I yet again overcame one more of life’s hardships; thankful for friends; and finally… thankful for feeling hope and promise that great things can come.

Late Night Realizations part II

Wherever your relaxing spot, it will eventually be invaded by obtrusive thoughts.

My finger traces a tiny open heart that was a representation of the future… who knew that one day that empty little heart would be more symbolic then it was ever meant to be.

Some songs are so incredibly haunting…

Sometimes it really is too late. It just is.

Late Night Realizations

Sometimes it’s just about knowing yourself. Nothing else, just yourself. When faced with a really difficult question you only have to turn inward. When you don’t know where else to turn, or what to do; how to get through a situation or get over something. You have to know yourself. You have to know what you can handle, what you can’t. What you’re willing to sacrifice, and what you’re not. What you’re willing to survive, and what you simply can’t. You have to know what makes you happy, truly happy, like what makes your heart sing and warms your soul. We tend to think that being strong means surviving a situation and living to tell about it, or toughing out the hard times, or some think they are finding strength in control. One of the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn, and still struggle with, is that the more you fight to control a situation the more that situation is really controlling you. I think sometimes real strength comes in letting go. It comes in knowing when enough is enough; knowing when the pain starts to outweigh the good. Some of us are afraid to give up, to throw in the towel; we tend to think that’s a sign of weakness or that we’ve failed. But what I think is that’s where the real strength lies… not just knowing when to let go, but being able to.

Odd Ramblings

Okay so I seriously tried this out for the first time, just an experiment. I literally typed this post in less then 5 minutes, didn't edit myself or anything. As you will see, I promise, lol.

I’m just in the mood to write……I have work in front of me to do but I can’t focus on it right now. What else is new these days??? (who am I kidding? That’s been the story of my life! But that’s beside the point right now.) I’m trying this new thing I got from another blogger where you just freely type whatever comes to mind….I’m thinking it’s supposed to be therapeutic, IDK so far I don’t feel anything, lol. I’ve had a lot of shit going on in my life this past year, more then the usual shit anyway. Like EXTRA shit. Haha. Is this what being 30 is?? Good God I won’t make it to 40 at this rate. But that being said…..nothing really SUPER BAD has happened to me, I gotta keep it in perspective. Things could be MUCH WORSE. I’m kinda reaching a new point in adulthood where I realize I’ve attained so many of my goals that I’m running out of things to work towards. Well sort of. I guess since the beginning of March I’ve been faced with a challenge that is on my mind every minute of every day. So I have that. But otherwise what the hell am I doing in life right now? I’m tired of waking up and breathing the same air in and out. I bitch about the same shit every day. The same people (bless their hearts) have to listen to my same shit every day. I do the same things, I like the same things. Nothing different, nothing gained. Or wait, that was an actual saying wasn’t it…… “nothing ventured, nothing gained”. Anyway, I’m just typing and seeing what comes out of my mouth here (er, my hands….whatever). I didn’t realize I still get that bored with the mundane….being the creature of habit that I am. I mean when I was 18 I couldn’t keep a job or handle any responsibilities because I would get so bored with routine. I thought I outgrew that. I don’t even know what I’m talking about at this point and I’m boring myself so I’m gonna stop. This didn’t really work the way I thought it would, lol. Oh well. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?! haha

Random Stuff

Instead of writing a whole post about any of the goings on in my life the past month or so....here are some blurbs that kind of sum things up.

Learning how to deal with unhealthy relationships can start at 8 yrs old sometimes.

Being healthy, emotionally & physically, is so incredibly important and vital; I just can’t figure out why it’s so extremely difficult for people to accomplish and maintain, myself included!

Everyone in college should minor in “professional politics”.

As a person who isn’t really shocked by a whole lot, I sure have been taken aback by a few things this past week!

Being loyal to someone can sometimes take you to places you don’t want to be, and then you have to re-examine the whole loyalty thing.

Old ghosts will come back to haunt you after you think they're long gone.

If reincarnation really does exist, I want to come back as a cat.

Muy Mal

Alternatively titled: "Bad, Shitty, Terrible, Stressful Morning"

Warning: This is a rant and nothing but. There are no morals, or life-long lessons included; it’s just simply me bitching about my morning because it makes me feel better.

For starters, I went to bed angry with my husband. Yeah, yeah I broke the cardinal rule of marriage and went to bed angry. F that. It’s a dumb idea anyway. Secondly, I woke up late because I was tired from working late the night before. As soon as Alexandria was ready I asked her to bring her dog back inside and put her in the kennel. Well apparently she translated that to, “stay outside and play some more”. I finish getting ready, get Olivia’s shoes on, remember I need to bring a lunch because I work through lunch today……Olivia says her new shoes hurt her feet. “okay, I’ll run get you some socks…….where’s Alexandria? Why hasn’t she come in with the dog yet?......Aly!!!!!!”. She comes in,

Me: “why haven’t you put your dog up yet??”

Aly: “oh, I didn’t know that’s what you said to do”

Me: “oh well it’s too late to chase her down now, she’s out of luck we have to go or you’re gonna be late”

Knowing that at this point I am for sure 15 minutes behind for work now. We all get in the car, I then realize that it’s probably not a good idea to let the dog stay out all day because not only could she get stolen (a girl can dream can’t she??), but she could possibly kill one of our kittens who are now staying on the patio. (she thinks they are her toys and tries to force them to play with her) So I get back out of the car, attempt to chase her down and get her inside to her kennel, meanwhile one of the cats runs in and I literally chase it all over the kitchen and back out the door. THEN as I’m cussing the dog out under my breath and through gritted teeth, I call her over to the car so she’ll think she’s getting to go, it works, she comes, I grab her and we go inside, I resist the urge to hurl her through the window for running from me (but can you blame her?) and instead put her in her kennel. We race to Aly’s school, or at least as fast as the law allows in a school zone, and just as Aly is getting out of the car I notice that she and her dad picked out a skirt the night before and I say “does that have shorts under it for PE?” she lifts is up and………..NO. There are no shorts. So she will most likely have to sit out in PE and get points deducted.

I race on to Olivia’s preschool, as I’m getting her out of the car I realize I forgot to go back and get her socks, we go all the way to her classroom, as fast as a 3 yr old can walk….sign on the door : “We are at the playground”. Thank you lady at the front desk who watched me hurry by with my child in tow, knowing full well who we are, which class she’s in, and that they are on the playground! Thank you for doing your job so excellently. We backtrack all the way to the playground, I tell her teacher "she may need band-aids later in the day cause she’s breaking in new shoes" and I’m such a bad mother that I forgot to give her some socks to help out the pain. I rush back to my car, spin out like a bat out of hell pull safely out of the drop off zone, and as I drive past the playground on my way out I look over to see my precious, sweet faced, baby girl waving bye to me so enthusiastically that I felt even more like complete shit for forgetting those damn socks it brought me to tears. And let me tell you, it’s been a long time since I drove out of a preschool parking lot with tears in my eyes, but that pretty much did me in.

My morning didn’t get much better as I arrived 30 minutes late for work only to realize that I left my notes for three assessments I have yet to type up, in the car my husband is driving today. Now I'm just waiting for a big boulder to fall out of the sky and squish me....and at this point I'm kind of waiting with open arms.


*Addendum* My husband usually helps me get the girls ready in the mornings as well as he takes Olivia to preschool on his way to school. However, this particular morning was different, and things just didn't go as planned (to say the least). But I felt I should add this since I'm always on my soapbox about how things should be equal among parents. :)

And I Thought I Was Random

What some people won't research...

http://www.good.is/post/why-do-we-hate-the-word-%e2%80%9cmoist%e2%80%9d/

Coming Soon: a post about marriage & divorce
(funny how I announce that like I'm MckMama and there are billions of people waiting to read...lol)

Hilarious Account of Labor & Delivery

You have to check out this post by Melissa from MTV's Real World (a billion yrs ago when I actually watched it) about her labor & delivery with her first child. It's pretty lengthy but hilarious! It definitely brings back the memories......I posted the link below but here's an excerpt of my favorite part because it was so me after I had Alexandria.

"Another nurse comes into my room. Shows me how to make my own diaper and there are so many steps and layers, it’s literally like making a big sandwich. I’m wearing a wee wee pad and four Tucks medicated pads and a maxi pad and these mesh panties. And I’m peeing in a hat. What time is it and where is my baby?"

http://www.princessmelissa.com/weblog/

30 Years Old, and What Do I Know?

Definitely not proper comma placement and how to avoid run on sentences, but that’s neither here nor there.
In honor of my 30th birthday (7/11), I wanted to write about what I have really learned & discovered in the past decade. What were my epiphanies, revelations, and “aha moments”? I know you’re just dying to know…..LOL. Here are some of the high-lights………

Never turn off the alarm clock until you are completely out of the bed!

Relationships are hard, work is hard, and parenting is hard; life is hard in general…….so it’s important to seek out the good times.

It’s fun to laugh at inappropriate things…….

Rules are always made with exceptions.

When you are a cocktail waitress it’s amazingly easy to cheat men out of their money; and just as easy to get free drinks. {didn’t say I was proud, just said I learned it}

It’s important to know your roots, and revisit them every now and then.

It’s okay to not be friends with everyone.

Know your priorities in life and stick to them, otherwise they don’t mean much.

Your parents don’t know as much as you once thought; they are only human just like you.

Everyone I know grew up in a dysfunctional family.

Know what you stand for and what you will not stand for.

It’s okay to not always know what to do!

Taking “mental health” days off from work are vital!!

Not only is it okay to not have a perfect marriage, but it’s okay to accept that they don’t exist.

They don’t call childbirth “labor” for nothing! It’s the hardest, most important work I’ve ever done; and the sweetest reward I’ve ever gotten.

The “perfect time” never comes, so don’t wait for it.

It’s important to figure out when to fight and when to surrender, I think most of us tend to do the opposite of what we should.

It’s just as important to have a plan as it is to be flexible.

Sometimes the little things are what’s important, and other times they are truly the things that should not matter. Go figure.

The more you have to fight for control in a situation, the more the situation is actually controlling you. {This one took me a long while to figure out…}

I am imperfect; I am definitely a sinner.

I love to laugh, I love hard, and I am a loyal friend.

I attempt daily to do right by my children, and as they grow I pray that I succeed at this.

I have many titles, but there is not one that completely or utterly defines who I am.

This life is temporary, this life is temporary, this life is temporary…

and is too difficult to navigate without belief in a Higher Power.

The Kid's a Genius

Olivia has recently discovered that television can be entertaining; before it was just something the rest of the family watched while she played with toys or amused herself with other things. Now.....she has discovered Dora the Explorer, Blues Clues, and Yo Gabba Gabba. "There's a party in my tummy, so yummy, so yummy"......anyway....
Now everything she eats(and even non-edible items I might add) want to go to the "party" in her tummy! The other day as we perused the aisles at Michael's Arts & Crafts store we came upon the Homecoming mum decorations, in which sweet Olivia spotted a sticker of a dog paw and excitedly shouted, "Mommy! I found a clue!".

I Did It Again

Okay, so I’ve let the blogging slide again. What started out as just one week of covering half the night shift, has now turned into 5. But after Friday I am done. I’m going on vacation and never looking back!

We’ve been busy with softball season winding down, basketball camp last week, and Olivia starting gymnastics. Alexandria’s team won an important game on Friday so they will most likely be in the district playoffs now.

Here are few pics from this season (okay they’re really all from the same game……and someone else took them for me…and then sent them to me on Facebook). I will also try to post more pictures from now on, but seriously I can’t do much but work, sleep, and eat this week! And P.S.: That's her daddy as assistant coach in the last two pics.

I'm Back!

I know you've missed me....... all two of you. I've been working a craaazy schedule at work, and the last thing I've thought about is blogging. I can barely keep up with DVR'ing The Real Housewives of New Jersey! The kids are out for summer, which means one month at home with Daddy (while his school and work schedule allows) and the rest of their summer days with Nana & Pawpaw. Good times. Meanwhile I get to schlep into work at 3AM and work till 5PM.
Good money, but oh so bad for the woman who loves sleep.

Anyway, I managed to type up a post on parenting this morning and I will post it soon-- not that any of you {if anyone really is out there}are holding your breath or anything!

Olivia Grace

Our sweet soon to be 3 yr old! She fills our days with oh so many quotable quotes…I thought I’d share a few of my recent faves.

Olivia: “I have a booger in my nose, I can’t get it puz (because) it’s too heavy.”
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Me or Abel on any given day: “Olivia why did you snatch that toy from your sister’s hand?”, “Olivia why did you hit the dog?”, “Olivia why did you throw that across the room?”, “Why did you jump off of there? I told you that you would get hurt!”

Olivia: “puz I did”
(yeah, I’m really not sure why we continue to ask her “why” she does anything.)
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After being spanked on the bottom for doing something (can’t remember what):

Olivia: “I’m sorry you pank me, puz you did”.
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Repeating the ABC’s with her daddy:

Daddy: “P”

Olivia: “B”

Daddy: “no, P”

Olivia: “bees fly away”

Daddy: “no, the letter Peeeeee” (with extreme enunciation)

Olivia: “ohhhhhh-kaaaaay” (long pause) “sing McDonald now”

Daddy: (exasperated sigh) “fine”
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When caught trying to write on the wall with a pen:

Me: “Olivia! Stop! We don’t write on walls.”

Olivia: “we write on paper (exaggerating the word)”

Me: “that’s right. So go find some paper on your desk to write on”

Olivia: “I don’t, I write on walls”
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While in the store parking lot one day:

Olivia: “poo poo!!” (gales of laughter) “poo poos!”

Me: “Olivia, let’s not shout that out while we’re in a public place”

Olivia:” poo poos!” (followed by laughter again of course—because at the age of 2 this word is hilarious

Me: “look, no one is talking about poo poo right now”

Olivia: “I am”

Pobrecito

It Is What It Is

A complaint fest…so you’ve been warned. At least I summed it up nicely in a list format.

1) My insomnia. Never in my life have I suffered so. (Well that’s not true, but I felt it deserved some drama.) I never understood insomnia until recently. The past month or so I have been waking up around 3AM and I lay there, and lay there…….and lay there some more……wide awake. I think about work, the kids, my husband, and it goes on and on for about 1-2 hours. When I do fall back asleep it’s usually an hour away from the alarm clock going off.


2) American Idol contestant Alexis Grace being voted off. DUMB! This is why I stopped watching the show after the 2nd season. “America” votes to keep the ones who can barely carry a tune and vote off anyone with actual singing ability. It’s just annoying. I didn’t see her performance this week, but I can’t imagine that someone with her talent would have screwed it up that badly. I’m done with that show. Again.

3) I get really tired of the grocery stores pushing us from one holiday to the next so quickly that before you know it I’m 50 yrs old and I’ve celebrated a trillion holidays. I mean really, can I take my Christmas tree down before you start selling me valentine’s candy and Easter baskets? Can we hunt our eggs before we have to buy 4th of July paraphernalia or pumpkins for next Fall? Seriously. And why on earth are they already selling Easter cookies……packages and packages of Easter cookies in the bakery….. 4 weeks before Easter? Really? Is someone buying these and then feeding them to people a month from now? Awesome.

Can anyone say DESENSITIZATION?

I was driving back to work from lunch when I noticed a bumper sticker on the diesel truck in front of me. It was one of those 9/11 memorial stickers that said “Let’s Roll” and had the American flag behind it. My first thought was “oh, that’s so outdated”. Then I immediately thought, “what’s wrong with me? How could I think that?”. I’m pretty sure the families that lost a loved one in the attacks that day, don’t think the memorials are outdated! And, I’m pretty sure that the family of the person who actually said “let’s roll” on the ill fated plane, doesn’t think the memorial stickers are outdated! So why was that my first thought? I’ll tell you. One word. Desensitization.

You know, that thing that causes us to not bat an eyelash when we see violence in the movies, or hear explicit sex jokes as part of a routine bit on prime time television; the thing that causes young children to see weapons as being toys rather then dangerous. The very thing that caused me to see a sticker memorializing a very tragic event (to say the least) and actually think to myself “oh, that’s so outdated”.

Valentine's Day Confessions

These are rated G, I promise.

1)First of all, let it be known that I'm not a huge fan of V-day. I'm too practical to be okay with spending tons of money on flowers that die, candy that makes me fat, cards that get thrown away, and whatever else was invented just to sucker people into feeling like they have to overspend in order to prove their love!
That being said......

2)On Saturday, after a day of housecleaning for me and a long day at work for hubby, we all settled down with Popeye’s chicken and a movie that night.

3)On Sunday I took Alexandria to see ‘Coraline’ then we scoured the V-day leftovers (50% off thankyouverymuch) at HEB and got candy for all (plus 2 stuffed animals for 2 little girls) and spent a total of 10.00.

4)I had a no pressure, stress free, relaxing & fun Valentines weekend spending time with those I love. Afterall, isn't that what this silly little "holiday" is about?

Running While Fat

For a lot of years I kept a pretty busy schedule between classes, work, kids, schoolwork, housework, etc. Since August I have been enjoying the fact that I’m done with classes and schoolwork forever! Only now I realize that I’m a person that kinda has to stay busy. I seem to thrive on it. So…I thought about running. I know, I know. Me? A runner? Not likely unless there’s a fire, even then I’d probably just walk quickly. However I need something to work on; a goal, something to appease my ever waning attention span. Not to mention something to stop my ever growing midsection! Really, it’s time to face the fact that I’ve gotten fat. I stand at 5’10 so that actually helps camouflage most of the fat, but I can still see the rolls when I sit. Even while standing I look 3-4 months pregnant!

I have a treadmill in my bedroom but it’s always sort of been my husband’s treadmill. I mean he’s the one who has the luxury of saying “I’m hopping on the treadmill for a while” and having 30 minutes of uninterrupted exercise. Me on the other hand……(ha!) as soon as I get on I’m breaking up arguments between children, gasping for air while I threaten them with all kinds of things to get them out of the room while I exercise in peace kindly redirect them to seek out their father while I exercise. But, I think if I could work something out with dear hubby I could get in at least 15 minutes a night, which is a good start I think.

And, really, let’s face fact #2 here—I’ll never change my eating habits. Not completely. I will always eat hamburgers, pizza, Mexican food, donuts, white bread…(the list goes on and on people). And not to sound corny, but I seriously grew up a country girl who was served vegetables seasoned with pork, grease, butter, or cream; we would bread and fry chicken, fish, steak, pork chops and most of the time served it with gravy. How could I give that up? Food is good, food is great, I love it (herein lies my problem). I will never eat Kashi Lean with mandarin oranges for my breakfast and yogurt with a wheat bread sandwich at lunch. Won’t happen. I would be the meanest woman on the planet if I had to survive on that. But back to my original point (or did I have one?)……running. I need to at least give it a try. And if that actually happens, I’ll be blogging about in the near future. I know you’ll be waiting on pins and needles to hear what happens.

I Have To Admit It

I like the Duggar family! When I first saw their show on TLC and saw that they had 14 children and counting….I was beyond amazed. I thought, “who are these hillbilly, backwoods, occult religion member, baby machines?” So I only watched one or two episodes out of morbid curiosity. Quite a while after that I saw they were coming out with a new season of episodes, only at this point they had 16 or 17 children (can’t remember exact number, because she always has one on the way). So I watched them build a gigantic new house and have it decorated by some fancy decorator that I’m sure TLC paid for. Then mom gave birth to baby number a billion, or 16, 17, whatever it was. I thought hmmmm they seem pretty normal (other then their litter of kids), maybe they’re not in some weird religion that requires you to live in a compound...

So then much later, I heard on the news they had baby # 18 (or it’s on the way still, can’t keep track) and their oldest son was getting married. I kept seeing previews for “A Very Duggar Wedding” talking about how this kid hadn’t even kissed his bride to be, like ever. They were saving that for marriage. Um, okay. Whatever floats your boat. So you know I had to watch the show. I have to say it was actually very sweet and very touching. Putting aside the very bizarre facts--the amount of children they have, how many times she’s actually given birth, and what that must have done to her body, saving kisses for marriage, etc-- they are a very loving, caring family that seem……normal! And, I have to say I loved JimBob’s (the dad) marital advice; from the simple “resolve disputes before sundown”, to the surprisingly very insightful “women want to be heard and they will like to give you all the details, just listen to her and she’ll appreciate you for that”. I really appreciated his take on marriage and was kind of blown away by his insight into what women want in a relationship. I couldn’t help but think maybe this is why they have so many kids; who could keep her hands off a man who seems to understand so much?!

So despite their outdated appearances and atypical beliefs on physical contact before marriage (i.e. no kissing), I think we could all learn something valuable from this family………except of course birth control methods.(bud-up-bump)

Injustice

I am a regular reader of the ‘Women In Crime Ink’ blog, I generally find their stories pretty interesting. However, a few minutes ago I happened to read their latest post titled ‘The Injustice of Baby Grace’ and found it extremely unsettling {to say the least}. I foolishly ignored the warnings given on the subject matter, and details of “Baby Grace’s” death……now I just feel like puking, and I’m sitting at work fighting tears. How any mother could ever, ever treat her child this way I will never understand. Both mother and boyfriend should both live a very long, torturous life in prison. The fact that anyone who is physically capable of reproducing can become a parent is almost an injustice to life. It saddens me that these two people were even allowed to raise this child for the first two years of her life. It saddens me greatly that there are women who long to be able to give birth to their own baby but are incapable, yet women like the mother of Riley Ann Sawyers (aka Baby Grace) are able to give birth and care for their own children everyday……at least until something like this happens. I don’t understand the reasoning behind this; I don’t understand tragedies like this. Nothing makes me sadder then the thought of how an innocent child who so openly and purely trusts and loves can be so horrifically betrayed by their own mother.

The only consolation is that now that sweet, innocent baby girl is in Heaven and happy. She will no longer have to endure the injustice of being born to a horrible, unfit mother; a woman and her boyfriend who are really not even fit to be called human beings. And, I know that I’m going to go home today and hug my own children very tightly.

*I purposely didn’t link to any related articles or the blog post because I don’t recommend that anyone actually read the horrific details of Riley’s brutal murder.