April 8th, 2012

Easter Sunday.

It is almost a year to the day that “J” and I broke up. I can remember sitting on my patio last Easter and realizing the promise that my life still held. Despite the devastation I felt from that break up I looked out into my yard, across the horizon at the lush green trees, felt the breeze at dusk, and I knew things would be ok.

I’ve been to hell and back this past 2 years; the first one being an emotionally numbing blur, only finding strength in my late night walks at the track and budding friendships; the second year being one grueling, heartbreaking test after another it seemed. But somehow I made it through to the other side. Well not somehow, with God, with friends, with therapy, with hope. And the journey to the “other side”-- life after an 11yr emotionally abusive, painful marriage-- can be scary but exciting all at once. And now, here I sit a year later, and I feel the same promise that I felt a year ago. …. I just looked out into the same horizon, from the same spot on my porch, and things are ok. I whisper thanks to God for bringing me to this place.

Things I Have Actually Said Outloud...

...while perusing my matches on an online dating site. : /  Seriously, I'm not making any of this up.  Just thought I'd share...

"He was on the other site too! Dude, give it up, you're gay!"

"Ugh, he has elf ears!"

"That's because you look like a pedophile..."

"um, gross"

"Cute, but can't spell."

"You're obviously high in all these pictures"

"Well gee with a screen name like 'Elated HoneyStick', who could resist?? Oh, and you're 50? Even better!"

(big sigh)  I think I'll stick with finding happiness as a single girl :)

I Am Me

Part of self discovery post divorce...


I like that I have never lost my enthusiasm for summertime.

I feel at peace in the water.

I think I would wither away without music.

Online dating sites depress me.

I’m pretty sure I am too carefree and passionate with my love.

I don’t like it when someone doesn’t like me; it makes me feel misunderstood.

I think I have a knack for cooking, decorating, and organizing.

I like being in charge.

I have workaholic tendencies.

Sleep is the only vacation my mind ever gets.

I wish I had more self discipline.

I struggle, I fall apart, and I have breakdowns.

I’m happy I found life without anxiety.

I think quickly on my feet.

I like laughing so hard I can’t breathe.

I really love cheese, like to a ridiculous degree.

I’m kind of obsessed with food.

Technology and math elude me.

I get vicious when I’m tired or hungry.

I never hold grudges.

I have a sixth sense for bullshit.

I’m not always the person I want to be.

I’m smart. I’m nurturing. I’m jaded.

I am me.

What It’s Like When Divorce Is a Happy Ending

Preface

Everyone who knows me well, knows that I write; all the time, about everything. Whether it’s short blurbs on FB, posts on my blog, or in a personal journal, I’m always writing. I even use the memo app on my phone in case I need to write when I’m out and about. I’ve wanted to write about my marriage/divorce experience for a while, but up to this point my brain was too overwhelmed to make anything happen on paper that wasn’t much longer then a facebook status. I know at one time divorce was something that I didn’t think too much of because I wasn’t experiencing it, plus it’s still kind of one of those ugly words in society that no one wants to think about. People still have a tendency to think that divorce means you just didn’t try or someone cheated. But I can tell you that after 3 months of dating, 11 years of marriage, 1 year of separation, and 5 months of divorce with that man….I’m STILL trying. And no one cheated.

One of the biggest surprises in separation and divorce is how friends will either choose sides (not choose you) or they will simply disappear. It hurts, it’s confusing, and it’s another loss to grieve on top of everything else. So you are left to make heads or tails of it, and then just accept it. Happy couples don’t want to be around divorcees. I haven’t quite decided if it’s because they are afraid divorce is contagious or just because they don’t want to acknowledge unsuccessful or unhappy marriages. Another big surprise is the amount of courage it takes to be the one to end something badly. I once compared it to having to shoot a dog that you accidentally ran over and is dying slowly and torturously in front of your eyes. It takes courage to end the suffering. Had someone fully convinced me beforehand of what it would take to end my marriage, I don’t know that I would have had the guts, energy, or faith to go through with it.

Hopefully sharing my experience will possibly help someone else in a similar situation sort some things out. But in reality I’m sure only about 3 people will read this (and I know who you all are!); either way writing about it helps me. Which brings me to another aspect of the divorce process that you don’t think about until you’re in the middle of it…it takes time; not just in the legal sense, but emotionally. It takes a very long time to forgive your ex and yourself for the resentments that can build up over the years; to learn how to form a new kind of relationship (when there are children involved); to mourn your marriage -what it was as well as what it never was; and finally, to file away the memories-deciding what to cherish, and what to let go of. Time is both your friend and enemy during this process.

So I preface all that I’m going to write and share with this disclaimer: This is my account of my marriage, separation & divorce; my perspective, my feelings, and my opinion of my relationship with him, and what caused him to be the kind of husband he was.

Chapter 1

Who I Married

You can never quite explain to people what it’s like to be married to someone who falls under the Histrionic Personality Disorder category (that’s right, I diagnosed my ex). It’s something that has to be experienced, not that anyone would want to though. He/she can be very charming on the outside, makes friends easily, finds something in common with you, and likes to be the center of attention & life of the party. But what you don’t see from the outside is that growing up they were consistently abused or neglected in some form (not always physically!) by their primary caregivers. Without going into great detail, my ex husband was treated pretty unfairly by the two people who were supposed to love him more then anyone else—his parents. Therefore his emotional needs weren’t met so there you have it….an insecure little boy inside a grown man’s body.

In the briefest way possible here is a little bit about what it’s like to be married to someone like this:

1) Everything is your fault; no matter what. Even if it’s insanely illogical, it is spun in a way to be the other person’s fault. This makes the “Histrionic” feel better. He/she is way too uncomfortable to have to accept fault for something. This is a bad feeling and they don’t want to feel this and will avoid it at all cost.

ONE EXAMPLE OF HUNDREDS: One time we ran out of gas out in the country, miles from a store in the middle of the night. He had loaned our car to his brother & I needed to drive out to my parent’s house for something, so he borrowed his dad’s truck. When we ran out of gas and had to walk for 3 hours he said it was all my fault. Why? Because my parent’s lived too far out. Not because he loaned out our car, not because he was driving and didn’t check the gas gauge, but simply because of the location of my parent’s home. He was so angry with the situation all he could do (all he KNEW to do) was to take it out on me. I remember walking past a house where some dogs started growling and barking, and sounded close to us, but it was so pitch black we couldn’t see them. I was afraid and reached out for his hand, only to have him shrug it off. He refused to speak to me for the entire three hours we walked that night.

2) He/she will always feel attacked no matter what you do or say. Especially once you’ve “wounded” them, which isn’t hard. And by wound them I mean, stand up for yourself, set boundaries, or disagree with their stance or opinion on something. Any time you do any of these things, you are “attacking” them, or so they feel & they react in defense mode. Oftentimes you are left standing there with your jaw on the floor wondering what the hell just happened. Eventually you may even start to question your own sanity because after a while you’ve no doubt been told numerous times that you are mean, vicious, or evil. And no matter what you say in your own defense you are told you are lying. This will definitely make you feel crazy, but in actuality because you know you are NOT crazy, it just maddens you even more.

3) Histrionics will sometimes have perfectionist tendencies and compete with others to be the best. You may find yourself in a competition that you didn’t even know you entered, and it can be over anything; cooking, cleaning, parenting, who has more friends. It’s quite confusing to find yourself in a competition you didn’t enter, but then to always have to lose? Maddening.

4) All of their emotions are in high gear. Histrionic men typically only have two main emotions, happy or angry. There is no middle ground. Much like how Histrionics view the world around them; no gray areas. They can produce the same amount of anger over a fast food order gone wrong and totaling a vehicle. I can tell you what it’s like to live in constant stress mode knowing that if your spouse isn’t happy, there will be hell to endure.

5) They cannot deal with anyone else’s negative emotions; this is too much of a burden. If you are having a bad day, or you’re sad, or angry don’t expect the histrionic to support you. Next thing you know your bad day has now turned into an argument in which they are now the center of attention and are for some reason angry with you, and you aren’t even sure why! It can happen so fast it makes your head spin, trust me.

6) He/she will NEVER own up to any of these traits. If you try to point them out they feel attacked or blamed for doing or being something “bad”. If you try different ways to communicate, they just assume you are trying to manipulate them (another form of attack), and will accuse you of such. According to my ex-husband I am a master manipulator & liar simply because I tried various ways to effectively communicate. (silly me)

If you find yourself frustrated or angered reading this, then imagine living it daily for over a decade. Fun times! If you find yourself wondering why the hell anyone would stay in a relationship like this… well let me answer that; at least from my perspective of having survived it.

To be continued... hopefully…

Chapter 2: Who I Was
Chapter 3: I Stayed Because of the Children, and Then I Left Because of the Children
Chapter 4: Who I Am Now (alternately titled “Free At Last, Thank God Almighty!!!”)

I think I have finally stopped moving long enough to realize how much my life is actually going in the right direction.  Despite the hang ups here and there I'm still moving forward.  Maybe this is part of healing...you finally stop whining and crying long enough to look around and remember the good stuff.

Easter Can Be Full of Promise

I’m sitting here on my porch at the end of Easter Sunday thinking about how I just made it through another holiday post separation/divorce; and this particular holiday comes two weeks after a heartbreaking end to another relationship.

I feel the evening breeze on my skin and through my hair. I watch the leaves and tree branches dance in the wind; dusk is setting in. I see my cat running across the pasture to come home, I watch the guard light flicker on, and somewhere in the distance I hear a car on the highway.

A million thoughts run through my mind...him, how I miss what we had, how he ultimately betrayed me because of feelings for an old love, and now the acceptance that it wasn’t meant to be. I think of my future, and I feel so unsure. I say prayers of thankfulness that I yet again overcame one more of life’s hardships; thankful for friends; and finally… thankful for feeling hope and promise that great things can come.

I Really Don't Know

Everyone says you have to love yourself before you can be in a meaningful, healthy relationship. Ok, got it. But how do you do this? People keep saying “you gotta love yourself first Jenn”, but they don’t follow it up with instructions or examples. I mean that may sound weird, but really how do you go about loving yourself? I like myself. I think I’m a great girl with good qualities, a lot to offer in a relationship. But the cold truth is that I will put up with the dumbest shit from men, and suffer for fear that I won’t find any better. And apparently that’s the big neon sign everyone keeps trying to point me to that says “you don’t love yourself enough”.

Jenn’s dating history 101: Only one “almost boyfriend” when I was 17 followed by a few guys that I just “talked” to. No one stuck around, no one respected me. My future ex-husband came along when I was 19, and was the first “good” guy so we got married. My therapist refers to the relationship as emotionally abusive. What I didn’t understand during my marriage was that emotional abuse and verbal abuse are two different things… which I’m embarrassed to admit now that I didn’t know, and certainly didn’t recognize in my own marriage. I just knew that I felt 20 kinds of crazy after most of my conversations with him, and that everything was always my fault; even when it was logically impossible. Following separation I entered another relationship that lasted only months, and even though it all seemed very different, I was ultimately shit on.

So all of that brings me back to the present. Here I am, almost 32 years old, two beautiful children, a career, a good sense of humor, and a loving family. Yet I feel empty. I think if I were really this prize package that people try to get me to see then the men would be lining up, right?? I mean that’s what makes sense to me. But there aren’t any men; there never really have been. So to me it’s like the proof is in the pudding. No men = I’m not a prize to be won. Shit…then again maybe that’s the girl who doesn’t love herself talking. How do you separate wanting to share your life with a man, and not wrapping your self-worth around finding one?

Diary of a Depressed Woman

More collections from my "memos" app on my phone:

4/15 @ 11:52pm: I think the worst sadness is when you can't manage to shed a single tear.  And the pain just sits heavy in your heart. With no release.

4/16 @ 6:39pm: I stare monotonously at the TV.  Not really watching, but trying to focus.  Hard to watch anyone else have any emotions at all when happiness was ripped from my fingers.

4/18@ 5:34pm: Gaining a new perspective seems to be the only way out.

4/21 @ 2pm:  Sometimes I feel really lost.

Rerun

I had the bright idea to glimpse back over my blogs from last year.....And here I was a year ago. How much does it suck that I could apply this to my exact situation now??  UGH. Will I ever learn.....

The Aftermath

I see everyone around me and I smile, and nod, and speak when spoken to.  I can do my job with my eyes closed.  I sit at this desk, and I stare at my computer.  I see the news and hear of natural disasters, I hear about other’s tragedies, and somewhere in the back of my mind I think “see? My life could be much worse”.  And then I silently thank God for my blessings, especially the well being of my children.  The clock rolls around to 5:00, I make the drive home, saying silent prayers to keep me strong, and help me move on from what I thought was total happiness.  I get my children; I somehow manage to busy myself with house cleaning while they play.  Then we go through the evening routine of dinner, showers, teeth brushing, and bedtime.  By 8:00 I’m longing for my bed, the comfort of my dark cool room, under the covers, just me.  I cry into my pillow, I vow not to listen to country music too much right now, as used to be part of my bedtime routine, I say prayers, and wait for my sleep aid or anti anxiety medication to kick in.  I feel the drowsiness and calmness overtake me, and I have no worries, my mind is free and clear for those few moments, and my heart doesn’t hurt for those few moments of the day.  I wake up in the morning and start it all over.  I get up.  I breathe.  I walk. I do what I’m supposed to do.  With a dull ache in my heart and a gnawing in the pit of my stomach….knowing that love and happiness slipped out of my life not once, but twice.

'Happily Ever After' will NEVER happen

Things have been wonderful for the past few months. Almost like a fairytale in some ways, I know that sounds cheesy, but they were. I should have reminded myself more often that fairytales don't exist in real life.  Then maybe this pain wouldn't cut so deep.  I don't even know what else to say.  Sometimes there are absolutely no words to describe emotional pain.