I think I have finally stopped moving long enough to realize how much my life is actually going in the right direction.  Despite the hang ups here and there I'm still moving forward.  Maybe this is part of healing...you finally stop whining and crying long enough to look around and remember the good stuff.

Afternoon

The day is long and slow…….stretched out before me like a winding dirt road that disappears on the edge of the horizon. Nothing for miles around……..  the air is still, no sounds of nature, no sign of life.

Sleep Eludes Me...

Crickets chirping... a sound from my childhood.  TV on mute... just flashing lights.  Digital numbers on the alarm clock... an eerie blue.  The air in the room... almost audible.
And sleep eludes me....
My day flashes before me... then the past weeks, months, and years.  Random thoughts... random memories.
Tears fill my eyes, and sleep eludes me. 



"I'm wondering how birds find their way....
There are so many things I don't understand.
What makes a woman not love a man?
I think I should just be alone.
I think I should find my way home."
~Jonah Matranga

Tonight

It was too much in one night…

All of “them” on my mind, 'Baby You Save Me' playin' on the radio-- dedicated between lovers, 11 years worth of guilt bubbling up, an old movie on TV conjuring up memories of better days, stressful workweek, and too much caffeine.

The tears have been falling.

This doesn’t bode well for me.

Let Her Cry

"Let her cry..if the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing...if it eases all her pain

Let her go...let her walk right out on me

And if the sun comes up tomorrow

Let her be...let her be."

Tristitia

Every time I start to write a new blog post I end up just staring at the screen and not knowing what to say. Sure I have plenty of things I write about that will never go public, but there’s also something really cathartic about writing things that others can read (not that I have all these blog readers, but you know what I mean). So as far as where I am right now…… here are a few of the disjointed thoughts that roam around in my head on almost a daily basis. Disclaimer: this is depressing

I think back to the difficult times I’ve been through in my life, and I think I’d rather suffer through any one of those again instead of feeling the way I feel right now.

Some days I look around at other people and I see them smiling so genuinely… and I hate them for it.

I can now say that I have been on both sides of the fence and back. The grass was the same, now what?

Sometimes you have to take a really, really, really broken road to get where you’re supposed to end up. And that really, really, really SUCKS.

I now know that it’s very possible to wake up one day and not recognize your life. You feel like the you that you’ve always been on the inside, and you go through the same routines and motions of what you should do, but you look around and everything is totally unrecognizable.

If you ever want to see a situation for what it truly is, detach yourself emotionally. You’ll see some ugly shit.

I am forever grateful for the people that choose to remain in my life despite the stupid shit that I do. At the same time I would give anything to feel like there is someone out there who truly understands me and why I do it.