The Cycle of Abuse

Rage. Blame. Accusations. Controlling. Bullying.

Confusion, panic, guilt.  Pain.

Punishment.

Resentment. More pain. Finding ways to cope until it's over.

The Apology.

Immense relief that he is back to his old self, and all is right with the world again.

Fear. Guilt. "I'm sorry, I love you, I don't want to hurt you."

Love.
Love?

What It’s Like When Divorce Is a Happy Ending

Preface

Everyone who knows me well, knows that I write; all the time, about everything. Whether it’s short blurbs on FB, posts on my blog, or in a personal journal, I’m always writing. I even use the memo app on my phone in case I need to write when I’m out and about. I’ve wanted to write about my marriage/divorce experience for a while, but up to this point my brain was too overwhelmed to make anything happen on paper that wasn’t much longer then a facebook status. I know at one time divorce was something that I didn’t think too much of because I wasn’t experiencing it, plus it’s still kind of one of those ugly words in society that no one wants to think about. People still have a tendency to think that divorce means you just didn’t try or someone cheated. But I can tell you that after 3 months of dating, 11 years of marriage, 1 year of separation, and 5 months of divorce with that man….I’m STILL trying. And no one cheated.

One of the biggest surprises in separation and divorce is how friends will either choose sides (not choose you) or they will simply disappear. It hurts, it’s confusing, and it’s another loss to grieve on top of everything else. So you are left to make heads or tails of it, and then just accept it. Happy couples don’t want to be around divorcees. I haven’t quite decided if it’s because they are afraid divorce is contagious or just because they don’t want to acknowledge unsuccessful or unhappy marriages. Another big surprise is the amount of courage it takes to be the one to end something badly. I once compared it to having to shoot a dog that you accidentally ran over and is dying slowly and torturously in front of your eyes. It takes courage to end the suffering. Had someone fully convinced me beforehand of what it would take to end my marriage, I don’t know that I would have had the guts, energy, or faith to go through with it.

Hopefully sharing my experience will possibly help someone else in a similar situation sort some things out. But in reality I’m sure only about 3 people will read this (and I know who you all are!); either way writing about it helps me. Which brings me to another aspect of the divorce process that you don’t think about until you’re in the middle of it…it takes time; not just in the legal sense, but emotionally. It takes a very long time to forgive your ex and yourself for the resentments that can build up over the years; to learn how to form a new kind of relationship (when there are children involved); to mourn your marriage -what it was as well as what it never was; and finally, to file away the memories-deciding what to cherish, and what to let go of. Time is both your friend and enemy during this process.

So I preface all that I’m going to write and share with this disclaimer: This is my account of my marriage, separation & divorce; my perspective, my feelings, and my opinion of my relationship with him, and what caused him to be the kind of husband he was.

Chapter 1

Who I Married

You can never quite explain to people what it’s like to be married to someone who falls under the Histrionic Personality Disorder category (that’s right, I diagnosed my ex). It’s something that has to be experienced, not that anyone would want to though. He/she can be very charming on the outside, makes friends easily, finds something in common with you, and likes to be the center of attention & life of the party. But what you don’t see from the outside is that growing up they were consistently abused or neglected in some form (not always physically!) by their primary caregivers. Without going into great detail, my ex husband was treated pretty unfairly by the two people who were supposed to love him more then anyone else—his parents. Therefore his emotional needs weren’t met so there you have it….an insecure little boy inside a grown man’s body.

In the briefest way possible here is a little bit about what it’s like to be married to someone like this:

1) Everything is your fault; no matter what. Even if it’s insanely illogical, it is spun in a way to be the other person’s fault. This makes the “Histrionic” feel better. He/she is way too uncomfortable to have to accept fault for something. This is a bad feeling and they don’t want to feel this and will avoid it at all cost.

ONE EXAMPLE OF HUNDREDS: One time we ran out of gas out in the country, miles from a store in the middle of the night. He had loaned our car to his brother & I needed to drive out to my parent’s house for something, so he borrowed his dad’s truck. When we ran out of gas and had to walk for 3 hours he said it was all my fault. Why? Because my parent’s lived too far out. Not because he loaned out our car, not because he was driving and didn’t check the gas gauge, but simply because of the location of my parent’s home. He was so angry with the situation all he could do (all he KNEW to do) was to take it out on me. I remember walking past a house where some dogs started growling and barking, and sounded close to us, but it was so pitch black we couldn’t see them. I was afraid and reached out for his hand, only to have him shrug it off. He refused to speak to me for the entire three hours we walked that night.

2) He/she will always feel attacked no matter what you do or say. Especially once you’ve “wounded” them, which isn’t hard. And by wound them I mean, stand up for yourself, set boundaries, or disagree with their stance or opinion on something. Any time you do any of these things, you are “attacking” them, or so they feel & they react in defense mode. Oftentimes you are left standing there with your jaw on the floor wondering what the hell just happened. Eventually you may even start to question your own sanity because after a while you’ve no doubt been told numerous times that you are mean, vicious, or evil. And no matter what you say in your own defense you are told you are lying. This will definitely make you feel crazy, but in actuality because you know you are NOT crazy, it just maddens you even more.

3) Histrionics will sometimes have perfectionist tendencies and compete with others to be the best. You may find yourself in a competition that you didn’t even know you entered, and it can be over anything; cooking, cleaning, parenting, who has more friends. It’s quite confusing to find yourself in a competition you didn’t enter, but then to always have to lose? Maddening.

4) All of their emotions are in high gear. Histrionic men typically only have two main emotions, happy or angry. There is no middle ground. Much like how Histrionics view the world around them; no gray areas. They can produce the same amount of anger over a fast food order gone wrong and totaling a vehicle. I can tell you what it’s like to live in constant stress mode knowing that if your spouse isn’t happy, there will be hell to endure.

5) They cannot deal with anyone else’s negative emotions; this is too much of a burden. If you are having a bad day, or you’re sad, or angry don’t expect the histrionic to support you. Next thing you know your bad day has now turned into an argument in which they are now the center of attention and are for some reason angry with you, and you aren’t even sure why! It can happen so fast it makes your head spin, trust me.

6) He/she will NEVER own up to any of these traits. If you try to point them out they feel attacked or blamed for doing or being something “bad”. If you try different ways to communicate, they just assume you are trying to manipulate them (another form of attack), and will accuse you of such. According to my ex-husband I am a master manipulator & liar simply because I tried various ways to effectively communicate. (silly me)

If you find yourself frustrated or angered reading this, then imagine living it daily for over a decade. Fun times! If you find yourself wondering why the hell anyone would stay in a relationship like this… well let me answer that; at least from my perspective of having survived it.

To be continued... hopefully…

Chapter 2: Who I Was
Chapter 3: I Stayed Because of the Children, and Then I Left Because of the Children
Chapter 4: Who I Am Now (alternately titled “Free At Last, Thank God Almighty!!!”)

Late Night Thoughts

I still sometimes try to figure out why I stayed for so long.  I think I would get these glimpses of what could be...little moments that felt like what I had always wanted.  I guess I kept hoping that somehow those little moments would transpire into a permanent way of life.  But they never did.

Taboo

Despite how common divorce is, it seems to still be taboo in some parts of the U.S. (i.e. where I live & amongst many people I know).  It seems like so many people would rather stay unhappily married then to “give up” or admit it wasn’t working. 

I guess I understand though….I did that for a long time too. 

Then one day I decided to do something different. 

And my God, who knew the courage & strength it would take.

Disclaimer

Sometimes I feel like I’ve been ousted from this privileged club; one full of people who manage to keep their marriage together.  As my divorce moves forward I’m sure I’ll be finding myself “announcing” it again & again.  And I’m realizing more and more that I want everyone to know that I tried. Like I feel the need to add a disclaimer to my divorce status stating “I was married for 11 years and gave it everything I had.  So much so that it sucked me dry.  I lay my head on my pillow each night knowing that I gave 250%, but it still failed.  That happens sometimes.  Yes it’s sad, no it isn’t the story I envisioned for myself, but sometimes that happens too.”

To Anonymous Woman in Her 20's

I hear you with your big dreams….I wanted those things once too. Young enough to dream it, and just old enough to have convinced yourself you can make it happen. The man, the house, babies. The part of me that still believes in dreams, hope, and love wants to be excited with you, and smile for you; basking in the glow of what’s to come. But the part of me that’s hurt, exhausted, and a little jaded wants to tell you about how it can all come crashing down on you one day if you aren’t careful. And how you might get so caught up in fighting to keep your dream alive, it never quite being just how you pictured, that you’ll lose yourself. And those big dreams will move just a little further out of reach again…

How I Met My Husband

I totally copied this from my friend’s blog, and although it probably isn’t the most ideal time in my life to write the story of how I met my husband, it might just be a good time.

In 1998 after a slew of various part time jobs and attending a few semesters of jr college, I was hired at a department store called SteinMart in Waco, Tx near my hometown of Axtell. I started work there in the ladies’ dept 4 days before my 19th birthday.
Abel worked in the men’s dept on the opposite side of the store. One day he happened to bring over some ladies clothes that had been left in his area and I remember thinking “he’s cute”, but we didn’t speak to each other. Then a few weeks later we happened to be in the break room at the same time. He started a casual conversation with me, and I read him his horoscope from the newspaper. It was the most comfortable I’d ever been around a stranger in my life. A few days later we ended up in the break room together again, I was watching a talk show called Jenny Jones on TV and he asked me something about the show, from that we struck up a conversation. He asked me little details about my life such as my age and where I went to school. And from that a friendship was born…… from then on we just “happened” to find ourselves in the break room together quite often. I would try and catch glimpses of him across the store, I found myself looking on the posted work schedule in the break room to see if he worked the same hours I did that week. Then one day I walked in and checked the schedule only to see his name crossed out completely for the whole week. I asked around and found out he had quit earlier that day. I remember feeling disappointed and thinking “well I guess I’ll never see him again”. I went out on the floor and started working. An hour or so into my shift I looked up and saw Abel walking towards me. He chatted with me about how he got fed up with management and decided to quit; he hung around for a little while even though customers kept coming up to me bugging me with questions. Finally he left the store and said something like “well I guess I’ll see you around”. I still felt a little sad when he left. About 20 minutes later, I was paged with a phone call and it was him. He said that he wanted to ask me for my phone number, but lost his nerve with all the customers around. I gave it to him, but still wasn’t sure if he just wanted a platonic friendship or not. Later that night he called me around 10:00 , and I remember thinking……. “this is too late at night for just a platonic friendship, maybe he wants more”. We went on our first date a few weeks later, and after that spent every day together. We talked on the phone for hours and hours, one time talking from 10:00 at night until 5am. I could tell him anything and he listened. He told me he liked me more and more every time we talked. We shared our thoughts on family, college, work, friendships, religion, and what we wanted to do with our lives. We had so many things in common, and we made each other laugh hysterically. A month after our first date, he left for Basic Training [boot camp] for the Air Force in San Antonio. I can still see him in my mind standing at his doorway waving bye to me as I pulled away. Later he would tell me that he wanted me to ask him not to go.

He wasn’t allowed to use the phone for a few weeks, but finally one day he called. He was only allowed to talk for literally 5 minutes, but he said he would write. And that he did. We wrote back and forth constantly, but it was in that very first letter that he told me how he had come to love me. As time went on he was allowed more privileges at Basic Training, and we were able to talk on the phone again. He said his friends called him “telly” because he was always on the phone. Some days he was so busy he was only able to call me at 5am to tell me good morning, and then call me later that night to say good night. Over the course of 3 months my feelings grew and I realized one day that he and I together just seemed right. I had grown to love him. I was willing to change all my life plans for him, I would go wherever he went. I wanted to be by his side. We didn’t meet under the most ideal circumstances, and even though we raised many eyebrows getting married so quickly and at a young age I knew it was right. I knew it was God’s plan. There was no doubt. We have the same soul, he and I. It was destiny.

On February 15, 1999 we were married in a small chapel in San Antonio with only Abel’s parents as witnesses. We had our wedding later that April once he had graduated from USAF Tech school in San Antonio. We’ve lived in three cities and one very small town. We’ve endured career changes, college careers for us both, two children, buying a home, ups, downs, celebrations and disappointments. And whatever our future holds from here on out, it will never change the story of how we met and came to love each other.

Liberating? Maybe not.

So I get that women fought long and hard for equality and certain “freedoms”. I got that whole message growing up that I could pursue a college education, a career, AND get married and have babies. And I’m all for equality and freedom. But here lately I’m realizing that this whole careerwoman/mom/wife combo isn’t exactly a freeing experience. I mean, 40 hr work weeks, small children, husbands, and this supposed “me time” that everyone says we need…um really??? I mean, so just to get this whole “having it all dream” straight here-- along with keeping groceries in the house, paying bills, wiping snotty noses, doling out vitamins, scheduling appointments, checking homework, laying out school clothes, disciplining, setting rules, teaching my children how to be a person in this world, having quality family time, trying to have an actual meaningful career, being a wife (which has it’s own separate sub list trust me), I’m also supposed to fit in…date night with my man, girls night out with friends, and time alone to replenish myself?.... are you fucking kidding me?
Now I’m not saying that in my marriage and my family unit, I’m the only one who does everything. My husband and I definitely co-parent & he handles other daily tasks…it’s just…I don’t know…I feel like I took some big superwoman test and failed miserably. Intellectually I know that I can’t be all to everyone, and not to sound so conceited as to think that I AM everything to everyone, I’m not. I’m just saying that even though I know that out of that long list something is gonna get left out or not get my full attention I still continue to feel guilty; I still have feelings of inadequacy. And I don’t always get to choose what that something is either. Sometimes shit just happens and I’m left standing there going oh yeah I forgot to pay daycare last week, or oops the car is way overdue for an oil change; then sometimes I knowingly push certain aspects of my life aside because I’m too overwhelmed and I think they’ll be okay, or that will keep for now. I mean, we all know that even day to day tasks and regular maintenance on a car, house, parenting & marriage can be daunting at times for anyone. But sometimes a person can feel like they are suffocating in it all even when they have a partner. And that partner can end up feeling like they are quite insignificant to the other person.

I don’t know what it is exactly that causes women to believe that they can juggle all of these things on a daily basis and still be okay. I don’t know why we have these expectations not only for ourselves but for each other. I’ve often heard women tell one another “you know how it is, we gotta be supermom”, or “well as women we just have to figure it all out” or “women are miracle workers”.... I don’t know, all I’m sayin is that some days that whole “barefoot and pregnant” idea doesn’t seem so archaic. Women who juggle full time jobs and careers, children, husbands, etc have more on their plate then they could ever handle with all the love and care needed in a lifetime. When I was in college I read about a study on women who talked about how their “dream” had been to “have it all” (i.e. career & family) and how it was so "fulfilling". However, the study also showed that these same women were unable to deal with stress as easily as the other women, and in general seemed to be the most frustrated and most unsatisfied with life. It just seems like there should be a middle ground somewhere, there has to be. I mean women went from having no real place in society to being overloaded so much so that we have self help books and discussions on Oprah about how to multi-task and “filling your own glass”. How do we even survive the lives that we create for ourselves with these kinds of expectations? And why is it that we continue to create lives that are so busy we often neglect the people that mean the most to us? I'll tell you why -- because we continue to be lured into this "dream" that is actually just an illusion.

Finding Room to Breathe

Today has been a really good day...
1) I didn't cry or even tear up for the first time since March 2nd.
2) I could breathe freely ALL day
3) I was able to fully concentrate on my work!! This is HUGE.

Now what this all means exactly I'm not totally sure, I'm just thankful to have a "normal" day for the first time in weeks and I'm happy to have a reprieve from feeling heartbroken. Maybe I've finally pushed through the really raw, unbearable pain and gained some clarity. Maybe I have a new perspective now, and I kind of can see where to go from here. And maybe, just maybe, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe. We'll see.

If I Was Smart...

.... I would use this time to find out who I am without him.

.... I would respect the need for space & time.

.... I would learn to face the things I haven't wanted to in a very long time.

.... I would focus on positivity and productivity.

.... I would realize I don't have to just survive it, I can live through it.

Clearing the Air

I guess just in case I have blog readers that don't know what's going on with me, I want to explain my previous posts. First, no my husband didn't have an affair, secondly, I was actually mistaken about a betrayal on Valentine's Day, and thirdly I am still full of uncertainty and so is he. Now, isn't that all just clear as mud? Yeah, it is in my mind too.

Marriage & Divorce part II

I just got through telling a friend that maybe we just have different ideals of what a marital relationship should be. And that was after this morning when I just said to another friend I can see a future of working things out. Hmmmmm...flip flopping much?? I somehow have hopes that by writing these thoughts down, it will help me find more answers. I don't even care if anyone ever reads this, I don't care if it's public. Whatever. Sometimes it just is what it is, and keeping it all a secret doesn't make it any different. (I only have like 3 readers that I know of anyway. lol)
I know at some point I'll get to that really honest place inside me where I have to face whatever it is I haven't been facing. You don't just get to this point in an 11yr relationship overnight. It's been brewing. And maybe from day one.....I'm not really sure. I know that my defense mechanisms have started trying to take over, but I have to get past that. I can't get to pure honesty until I let my defenses down.

Marriage & Divorce (part I of many)

I don't feel like I can throw away everything I’ve gained, lost, invested in, worked on, endured, sacrificed, survived, gained, gained, gained in the last 11 years. In my mind, I know there has to be a way, we have to learn how to communicate differently. We have to make changes. And maybe the more time apart we have, or the more loss and pain I feel right now, will maybe give me even more motivation in the future to stick with making all those changes, and putting in the extra effort to figure out where we lost our ability to communicate.

Here's a quote that a friend shared with me this morning: "getting divorced during a hard time is like cutting off your foot because you have a hangnail"

Divorce

I have been married for 10 ½ years and not that that makes me any kind of expert, but I do think that I can definitely say I know a thing or two about marriage. And since I’m a big believer in keeping it real to others about my marriage, I felt compelled to share a revelation I recently had on divorce.

Early in my marriage, everything was honeymoon-ish; we were so in love and never wanted to be apart, blah, blah, blah. When I got married I believed that we would stay together forever, but being the realist that I am I knew that it would take work—not just love. Afterall, you can totally love someone that you could never be married to! Over the years we’ve survived two pregnancies/births, several moves, career changes, college, having money, having no money, and.....well, just life. We have sad depressing memories, but we also have really, really happy memories too. Someone once told me there is a natural ebb and flow to marriage and I totally see that now. Anyway, over time I found myself feeling more resentful about things, getting angrier during arguments, feeling more hopeless about resolving them, and I started throwing out the D word. I didn’t so much threaten divorce as I just started bringing it up as a resolution. I was so frustrated and exhausted from arguing, from having to cope with stress as a couple, from having to work on being a wife. The problem solver in me couldn’t get past not being able to nip the arguments in the bud; no matter what we came up with and tried we were still arguing about the same things, and I was still walking away feeling resentful. The only thing left was to not be together. But when I thought that option through, I realized all the things I would be taking away from life and it made me sad. I was heartbroken over the thought of divorcing, yet I didn’t know what else to do. As time went on I found myself bringing divorce into the equation more and more. My husband seemed to be against it (thankfully) but I was starting to look at it as a very real option, no matter how heartbreaking it seemed. I couldn’t understand how we’d continue on arguing so much and never finding resolutions. I prayed for an answer and finally one came. It wasn’t like a big light bulb going off, it wasn’t some great epiphany, it just slowly crept up on me and really just now as I type this I’m realizing that it was the answer to prayer that I’d been looking for: I had to not only stop playing the divorce card, but I had to retire it completely. It had to be scratched off my list of options. As long as I kept divorce a plausible solution in my head, I would get closer to making a reality. I mean if it’s in your arsenal you’re going to use it eventually, right? And let’s face it, deep down it’s not ever what I really wanted. I just wanted to be free from the arguments and the stress, but divorce is not the only way out of that! Once I promised myself that I would stop considering divorce, I knew that I was in this for the long-haul. That meant making it as happy a marriage as we deserved. I still don’t have all the answers of how to do this, but that’s just it—marriage is a work in progress. He’s the man I chose, he chose me, and God blessed us with two amazing children….that gives us all the reasons we need to make our marriage a beautiful thing.

Now I’m not saying that no one should ever divorce, because I know that there are always exceptions and there are lots of circumstances that could warrant divorce. I’m simply saying that it’s no longer an option for me. If I put just as much energy and love into being happily married as I did to coming up with plans on dealing with the hard times (i.e. divorce) then I don’t think we’ll have many reasons to not stay together. We will always have arguments, we will always annoy each other at times, and our bad habits aren’t going anywhere; but the bottom line is I wouldn’t want to go through this life with any other partner.

I Have To Admit It

I like the Duggar family! When I first saw their show on TLC and saw that they had 14 children and counting….I was beyond amazed. I thought, “who are these hillbilly, backwoods, occult religion member, baby machines?” So I only watched one or two episodes out of morbid curiosity. Quite a while after that I saw they were coming out with a new season of episodes, only at this point they had 16 or 17 children (can’t remember exact number, because she always has one on the way). So I watched them build a gigantic new house and have it decorated by some fancy decorator that I’m sure TLC paid for. Then mom gave birth to baby number a billion, or 16, 17, whatever it was. I thought hmmmm they seem pretty normal (other then their litter of kids), maybe they’re not in some weird religion that requires you to live in a compound...

So then much later, I heard on the news they had baby # 18 (or it’s on the way still, can’t keep track) and their oldest son was getting married. I kept seeing previews for “A Very Duggar Wedding” talking about how this kid hadn’t even kissed his bride to be, like ever. They were saving that for marriage. Um, okay. Whatever floats your boat. So you know I had to watch the show. I have to say it was actually very sweet and very touching. Putting aside the very bizarre facts--the amount of children they have, how many times she’s actually given birth, and what that must have done to her body, saving kisses for marriage, etc-- they are a very loving, caring family that seem……normal! And, I have to say I loved JimBob’s (the dad) marital advice; from the simple “resolve disputes before sundown”, to the surprisingly very insightful “women want to be heard and they will like to give you all the details, just listen to her and she’ll appreciate you for that”. I really appreciated his take on marriage and was kind of blown away by his insight into what women want in a relationship. I couldn’t help but think maybe this is why they have so many kids; who could keep her hands off a man who seems to understand so much?!

So despite their outdated appearances and atypical beliefs on physical contact before marriage (i.e. no kissing), I think we could all learn something valuable from this family………except of course birth control methods.(bud-up-bump)

10 Years In and It's Still a Mystery

What could I possibly be talking about? Marriage. One of life’s mysteries. Sometimes I think Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell had the right idea……just act married, don’t actually make it legal. I’m not sure if that would make it easier to bail but it seems like it would be. Something about that little piece of paper making it legal…..you feel more compelled to stay even when it gets hard.

Men and women could not be more different. Yet we come together in a union, make a home, maybe raise a family, maybe make some money, and not only are we somehow supposed to survive it without killing each other….. but we’re actually supposed to still like, respect, and love each other! There once was a time where this didn’t seem crazy to me……fast forward to almost 10 years of marriage, two children, a mortgage, careers ending and starting, and all the cynicism makes sense to me now!!

Why do any of us get married anyway? Companionship? True love? Oops, the test is showing two pink lines? I don’t know, I have no answers. I got hitched 9 years and 7 months ago and there are still days when I wake up and wonder why I did it. Don’t get me wrong, I still love my husband…..very much. I just thought that by now we’d have this marriage thing all figured out; that our relationship would flow like water in a creek making all the stones smooth with time. But nah…..we still have the same stupid arguments, and every now and then we throw something new in there to fuss about. Why is that? Does anyone else walk away from a one hour discussion thinking you’re finally resolving issues, and then a month later there you are fighting about the same damn thing again?! Every time I think I am so running out of energy for this marriage business…..I find myself thinking of all the reasons I loved Abel in the first place. And all the reasons I have found to love him this many years later.

All I really have figured out at this point is this: 1) we still wake up in the mornings and want to be together, though I can’t say that happens every day….just most. 2) We’re better together then we would be apart…I think. 3) We obviously make “super DNA” together because our children are two of the most beautiful, intelligent creatures that ever lived.

So I guess we’ll keep trudging forward and see where it all goes….