The Cycle of Abuse

Rage. Blame. Accusations. Controlling. Bullying.

Confusion, panic, guilt.  Pain.

Punishment.

Resentment. More pain. Finding ways to cope until it's over.

The Apology.

Immense relief that he is back to his old self, and all is right with the world again.

Fear. Guilt. "I'm sorry, I love you, I don't want to hurt you."

Love.
Love?

I Really Don't Know

Everyone says you have to love yourself before you can be in a meaningful, healthy relationship. Ok, got it. But how do you do this? People keep saying “you gotta love yourself first Jenn”, but they don’t follow it up with instructions or examples. I mean that may sound weird, but really how do you go about loving yourself? I like myself. I think I’m a great girl with good qualities, a lot to offer in a relationship. But the cold truth is that I will put up with the dumbest shit from men, and suffer for fear that I won’t find any better. And apparently that’s the big neon sign everyone keeps trying to point me to that says “you don’t love yourself enough”.

Jenn’s dating history 101: Only one “almost boyfriend” when I was 17 followed by a few guys that I just “talked” to. No one stuck around, no one respected me. My future ex-husband came along when I was 19, and was the first “good” guy so we got married. My therapist refers to the relationship as emotionally abusive. What I didn’t understand during my marriage was that emotional abuse and verbal abuse are two different things… which I’m embarrassed to admit now that I didn’t know, and certainly didn’t recognize in my own marriage. I just knew that I felt 20 kinds of crazy after most of my conversations with him, and that everything was always my fault; even when it was logically impossible. Following separation I entered another relationship that lasted only months, and even though it all seemed very different, I was ultimately shit on.

So all of that brings me back to the present. Here I am, almost 32 years old, two beautiful children, a career, a good sense of humor, and a loving family. Yet I feel empty. I think if I were really this prize package that people try to get me to see then the men would be lining up, right?? I mean that’s what makes sense to me. But there aren’t any men; there never really have been. So to me it’s like the proof is in the pudding. No men = I’m not a prize to be won. Shit…then again maybe that’s the girl who doesn’t love herself talking. How do you separate wanting to share your life with a man, and not wrapping your self-worth around finding one?

CONTROL

You wanted it. Here ya go. You can have it. I wrapped it up for you in a nice, shiny package covered in hope, despair, confusion, and anger....the tag on the package says "Fuck you for all the bullshit you threw my way".  Gee, you must of been really scared when I took it from you!  Cause I'm guessing the silence means you want it back now??  It must.  You sure work damn hard to get it from me.  Funny how someone would work so hard to get something they have very little appreciation for.  So here it is in a package just for you... disguised as a vulnerable friendly message.  I hope that when you open it up it makes you feel foolishly warm & fuzzy inside; secure in your manhood again. I hope it makes you swell with pride at what a fucking asshole you are. 

Something needed to be said... I had to write something down tonight. I just wasn't sure what.  I was hoping my fingers would just type out the right words...  I'm at a loss.  Again, I come to what feels like a turning point.  It continues to amaze me how I can come to a confident decision only to feel the crushing pain of guilt. I've been thinking a lot lately about what motivates people.  We all have motivators otherwise we'd cease to function.  The problem is that the primary motivator of women is guilt.  A good friend of mine calls this "the guilt gene".  It's incredibly true when you think about it... think about how much we as women function out of pure guilt.  We worry constantly, we analyze, we "overthink" as men like to say or make things too complicated. Are we doing this because we are secretly or even unknowingly struggling with the guilt we feel inside??  I don't know...I have no real answers.  I just know that although it can serve a positive purpose, guilt can also be binding; imprisoning you in your own actions & consequences.  It can be suffocating and stifling; an emotional death. 

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."       ~Anais Nin

To Anonymous Woman in Her 20's

I hear you with your big dreams….I wanted those things once too. Young enough to dream it, and just old enough to have convinced yourself you can make it happen. The man, the house, babies. The part of me that still believes in dreams, hope, and love wants to be excited with you, and smile for you; basking in the glow of what’s to come. But the part of me that’s hurt, exhausted, and a little jaded wants to tell you about how it can all come crashing down on you one day if you aren’t careful. And how you might get so caught up in fighting to keep your dream alive, it never quite being just how you pictured, that you’ll lose yourself. And those big dreams will move just a little further out of reach again…

A Real Woman

Smart enough to make plans, and always have a backup

Wistful enough to hang on to old dreams

Clever enough to get what she wants

Insightful enough to know the difference in what she wants and what she needs

Gentle enough to wipe tears, kiss softly, and whisper words of love

Tough enough to say what she really thinks, how she really feels, and not give a damn if anyone agrees

Honest enough to leave the game playing to children

Intuitive enough to know when her guard can really come down

Faithful enough to praise Him in the midst of despair as well as joy

Strong enough to carry those that need her

Willing to sacrifice for those she loves

Courageous enough to hear her voice rise above the rest

Humble enough to stand in the background

Brave enough to stand alone

Confident enough to share her beauty

Wise enough to know when to seek and when to be sought

Pure enough to love with her whole heart

Liberating? Maybe not.

So I get that women fought long and hard for equality and certain “freedoms”. I got that whole message growing up that I could pursue a college education, a career, AND get married and have babies. And I’m all for equality and freedom. But here lately I’m realizing that this whole careerwoman/mom/wife combo isn’t exactly a freeing experience. I mean, 40 hr work weeks, small children, husbands, and this supposed “me time” that everyone says we need…um really??? I mean, so just to get this whole “having it all dream” straight here-- along with keeping groceries in the house, paying bills, wiping snotty noses, doling out vitamins, scheduling appointments, checking homework, laying out school clothes, disciplining, setting rules, teaching my children how to be a person in this world, having quality family time, trying to have an actual meaningful career, being a wife (which has it’s own separate sub list trust me), I’m also supposed to fit in…date night with my man, girls night out with friends, and time alone to replenish myself?.... are you fucking kidding me?
Now I’m not saying that in my marriage and my family unit, I’m the only one who does everything. My husband and I definitely co-parent & he handles other daily tasks…it’s just…I don’t know…I feel like I took some big superwoman test and failed miserably. Intellectually I know that I can’t be all to everyone, and not to sound so conceited as to think that I AM everything to everyone, I’m not. I’m just saying that even though I know that out of that long list something is gonna get left out or not get my full attention I still continue to feel guilty; I still have feelings of inadequacy. And I don’t always get to choose what that something is either. Sometimes shit just happens and I’m left standing there going oh yeah I forgot to pay daycare last week, or oops the car is way overdue for an oil change; then sometimes I knowingly push certain aspects of my life aside because I’m too overwhelmed and I think they’ll be okay, or that will keep for now. I mean, we all know that even day to day tasks and regular maintenance on a car, house, parenting & marriage can be daunting at times for anyone. But sometimes a person can feel like they are suffocating in it all even when they have a partner. And that partner can end up feeling like they are quite insignificant to the other person.

I don’t know what it is exactly that causes women to believe that they can juggle all of these things on a daily basis and still be okay. I don’t know why we have these expectations not only for ourselves but for each other. I’ve often heard women tell one another “you know how it is, we gotta be supermom”, or “well as women we just have to figure it all out” or “women are miracle workers”.... I don’t know, all I’m sayin is that some days that whole “barefoot and pregnant” idea doesn’t seem so archaic. Women who juggle full time jobs and careers, children, husbands, etc have more on their plate then they could ever handle with all the love and care needed in a lifetime. When I was in college I read about a study on women who talked about how their “dream” had been to “have it all” (i.e. career & family) and how it was so "fulfilling". However, the study also showed that these same women were unable to deal with stress as easily as the other women, and in general seemed to be the most frustrated and most unsatisfied with life. It just seems like there should be a middle ground somewhere, there has to be. I mean women went from having no real place in society to being overloaded so much so that we have self help books and discussions on Oprah about how to multi-task and “filling your own glass”. How do we even survive the lives that we create for ourselves with these kinds of expectations? And why is it that we continue to create lives that are so busy we often neglect the people that mean the most to us? I'll tell you why -- because we continue to be lured into this "dream" that is actually just an illusion.