The Aftermath

I see everyone around me and I smile, and nod, and speak when spoken to.  I can do my job with my eyes closed.  I sit at this desk, and I stare at my computer.  I see the news and hear of natural disasters, I hear about other’s tragedies, and somewhere in the back of my mind I think “see? My life could be much worse”.  And then I silently thank God for my blessings, especially the well being of my children.  The clock rolls around to 5:00, I make the drive home, saying silent prayers to keep me strong, and help me move on from what I thought was total happiness.  I get my children; I somehow manage to busy myself with house cleaning while they play.  Then we go through the evening routine of dinner, showers, teeth brushing, and bedtime.  By 8:00 I’m longing for my bed, the comfort of my dark cool room, under the covers, just me.  I cry into my pillow, I vow not to listen to country music too much right now, as used to be part of my bedtime routine, I say prayers, and wait for my sleep aid or anti anxiety medication to kick in.  I feel the drowsiness and calmness overtake me, and I have no worries, my mind is free and clear for those few moments, and my heart doesn’t hurt for those few moments of the day.  I wake up in the morning and start it all over.  I get up.  I breathe.  I walk. I do what I’m supposed to do.  With a dull ache in my heart and a gnawing in the pit of my stomach….knowing that love and happiness slipped out of my life not once, but twice.