Preface
Everyone who knows me well, knows that I write; all the time, about everything. Whether it’s short blurbs on FB, posts on my blog, or in a personal journal, I’m always writing. I even use the memo app on my phone in case I need to write when I’m out and about. I’ve wanted to write about my marriage/divorce experience for a while, but up to this point my brain was too overwhelmed to make anything happen on paper that wasn’t much longer then a facebook status. I know at one time divorce was something that I didn’t think too much of because I wasn’t experiencing it, plus it’s still kind of one of those ugly words in society that no one wants to think about. People still have a tendency to think that divorce means you just didn’t try or someone cheated. But I can tell you that after 3 months of dating, 11 years of marriage, 1 year of separation, and 5 months of divorce with that man….I’m STILL trying. And no one cheated.
One of the biggest surprises in separation and divorce is how friends will either choose sides (not choose you) or they will simply disappear. It hurts, it’s confusing, and it’s another loss to grieve on top of everything else. So you are left to make heads or tails of it, and then just accept it. Happy couples don’t want to be around divorcees. I haven’t quite decided if it’s because they are afraid divorce is contagious or just because they don’t want to acknowledge unsuccessful or unhappy marriages. Another big surprise is the amount of courage it takes to be the one to end something badly. I once compared it to having to shoot a dog that you accidentally ran over and is dying slowly and torturously in front of your eyes. It takes courage to end the suffering. Had someone fully convinced me beforehand of what it would take to end my marriage, I don’t know that I would have had the guts, energy, or faith to go through with it.
Hopefully sharing my experience will possibly help someone else in a similar situation sort some things out. But in reality I’m sure only about 3 people will read this (and I know who you all are!); either way writing about it helps me. Which brings me to another aspect of the divorce process that you don’t think about until you’re in the middle of it…it takes time; not just in the legal sense, but emotionally. It takes a very long time to forgive your ex and yourself for the resentments that can build up over the years; to learn how to form a new kind of relationship (when there are children involved); to mourn your marriage -what it was as well as what it never was; and finally, to file away the memories-deciding what to cherish, and what to let go of. Time is both your friend and enemy during this process.
So I preface all that I’m going to write and share with this disclaimer: This is my account of my marriage, separation & divorce; my perspective, my feelings, and my opinion of my relationship with him, and what caused him to be the kind of husband he was.
Chapter 1
Who I Married
You can never quite explain to people what it’s like to be married to someone who falls under the Histrionic Personality Disorder category (that’s right, I diagnosed my ex). It’s something that has to be experienced, not that anyone would want to though. He/she can be very charming on the outside, makes friends easily, finds something in common with you, and likes to be the center of attention & life of the party. But what you don’t see from the outside is that growing up they were consistently abused or neglected in some form (not always physically!) by their primary caregivers. Without going into great detail, my ex husband was treated pretty unfairly by the two people who were supposed to love him more then anyone else—his parents. Therefore his emotional needs weren’t met so there you have it….an insecure little boy inside a grown man’s body.
In the briefest way possible here is a little bit about what it’s like to be married to someone like this:
1) Everything is your fault; no matter what. Even if it’s insanely illogical, it is spun in a way to be the other person’s fault. This makes the “Histrionic” feel better. He/she is way too uncomfortable to have to accept fault for something. This is a bad feeling and they don’t want to feel this and will avoid it at all cost.
ONE EXAMPLE OF HUNDREDS: One time we ran out of gas out in the country, miles from a store in the middle of the night. He had loaned our car to his brother & I needed to drive out to my parent’s house for something, so he borrowed his dad’s truck. When we ran out of gas and had to walk for 3 hours he said it was all my fault. Why? Because my parent’s lived too far out. Not because he loaned out our car, not because he was driving and didn’t check the gas gauge, but simply because of the location of my parent’s home. He was so angry with the situation all he could do (all he KNEW to do) was to take it out on me. I remember walking past a house where some dogs started growling and barking, and sounded close to us, but it was so pitch black we couldn’t see them. I was afraid and reached out for his hand, only to have him shrug it off. He refused to speak to me for the entire three hours we walked that night.
2) He/she will always feel attacked no matter what you do or say. Especially once you’ve “wounded” them, which isn’t hard. And by wound them I mean, stand up for yourself, set boundaries, or disagree with their stance or opinion on something. Any time you do any of these things, you are “attacking” them, or so they feel & they react in defense mode. Oftentimes you are left standing there with your jaw on the floor wondering what the hell just happened. Eventually you may even start to question your own sanity because after a while you’ve no doubt been told numerous times that you are mean, vicious, or evil. And no matter what you say in your own defense you are told you are lying. This will definitely make you feel crazy, but in actuality because you know you are NOT crazy, it just maddens you even more.
3) Histrionics will sometimes have perfectionist tendencies and compete with others to be the best. You may find yourself in a competition that you didn’t even know you entered, and it can be over anything; cooking, cleaning, parenting, who has more friends. It’s quite confusing to find yourself in a competition you didn’t enter, but then to always have to lose? Maddening.
4) All of their emotions are in high gear. Histrionic men typically only have two main emotions, happy or angry. There is no middle ground. Much like how Histrionics view the world around them; no gray areas. They can produce the same amount of anger over a fast food order gone wrong and totaling a vehicle. I can tell you what it’s like to live in constant stress mode knowing that if your spouse isn’t happy, there will be hell to endure.
5) They cannot deal with anyone else’s negative emotions; this is too much of a burden. If you are having a bad day, or you’re sad, or angry don’t expect the histrionic to support you. Next thing you know your bad day has now turned into an argument in which they are now the center of attention and are for some reason angry with you, and you aren’t even sure why! It can happen so fast it makes your head spin, trust me.
6) He/she will NEVER own up to any of these traits. If you try to point them out they feel attacked or blamed for doing or being something “bad”. If you try different ways to communicate, they just assume you are trying to manipulate them (another form of attack), and will accuse you of such. According to my ex-husband I am a master manipulator & liar simply because I tried various ways to effectively communicate. (silly me)
If you find yourself frustrated or angered reading this, then imagine living it daily for over a decade. Fun times! If you find yourself wondering why the hell anyone would stay in a relationship like this… well let me answer that; at least from my perspective of having survived it.
To be continued... hopefully…
Chapter 2: Who I Was
Chapter 3: I Stayed Because of the Children, and Then I Left Because of the Children
Chapter 4: Who I Am Now (alternately titled “Free At Last, Thank God Almighty!!!”)
