Awake

I finally look around me. I see a friend, my baby’s face, I share a laugh, or feel loved; I am reminded that I’m alive.   

Afternoon

The day is long and slow…….stretched out before me like a winding dirt road that disappears on the edge of the horizon. Nothing for miles around……..  the air is still, no sounds of nature, no sign of life.

Sleep Eludes Me...

Crickets chirping... a sound from my childhood.  TV on mute... just flashing lights.  Digital numbers on the alarm clock... an eerie blue.  The air in the room... almost audible.
And sleep eludes me....
My day flashes before me... then the past weeks, months, and years.  Random thoughts... random memories.
Tears fill my eyes, and sleep eludes me. 



"I'm wondering how birds find their way....
There are so many things I don't understand.
What makes a woman not love a man?
I think I should just be alone.
I think I should find my way home."
~Jonah Matranga

Tonight

It was too much in one night…

All of “them” on my mind, 'Baby You Save Me' playin' on the radio-- dedicated between lovers, 11 years worth of guilt bubbling up, an old movie on TV conjuring up memories of better days, stressful workweek, and too much caffeine.

The tears have been falling.

This doesn’t bode well for me.

CONTROL

You wanted it. Here ya go. You can have it. I wrapped it up for you in a nice, shiny package covered in hope, despair, confusion, and anger....the tag on the package says "Fuck you for all the bullshit you threw my way".  Gee, you must of been really scared when I took it from you!  Cause I'm guessing the silence means you want it back now??  It must.  You sure work damn hard to get it from me.  Funny how someone would work so hard to get something they have very little appreciation for.  So here it is in a package just for you... disguised as a vulnerable friendly message.  I hope that when you open it up it makes you feel foolishly warm & fuzzy inside; secure in your manhood again. I hope it makes you swell with pride at what a fucking asshole you are. 

Something needed to be said... I had to write something down tonight. I just wasn't sure what.  I was hoping my fingers would just type out the right words...  I'm at a loss.  Again, I come to what feels like a turning point.  It continues to amaze me how I can come to a confident decision only to feel the crushing pain of guilt. I've been thinking a lot lately about what motivates people.  We all have motivators otherwise we'd cease to function.  The problem is that the primary motivator of women is guilt.  A good friend of mine calls this "the guilt gene".  It's incredibly true when you think about it... think about how much we as women function out of pure guilt.  We worry constantly, we analyze, we "overthink" as men like to say or make things too complicated. Are we doing this because we are secretly or even unknowingly struggling with the guilt we feel inside??  I don't know...I have no real answers.  I just know that although it can serve a positive purpose, guilt can also be binding; imprisoning you in your own actions & consequences.  It can be suffocating and stifling; an emotional death. 

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."       ~Anais Nin

Me

I’m probably the most analytical, “overthinking” person you could ever talk to. My brain never stops. I think I’m a pretty smart girl with an odd mix of book smarts, street smarts, and intuition. I have a really hard time being fake, this works for me and against me. Not much shocks me…seriously not much at all.  I have a lot of aggression and I’m not always sure where it comes from. Music is everything to me, it cures me, it heals me, it revives me.  I absolutely love movies, and I quote them in regular conversations. I tend to laugh when things get too serious, too crazy, or if I get too angry…I guess it’s a nervous habit?  Jokes that most people think are gross or inappropriate, I think are freakin hilarious.  I love to sleep.  I cuss a lot, but still refuse to cuss in front of my parents.  I’ve always been a little boy crazy.  I really like tattoos, and have three of em.  I’ll prob get a 4^th. I refuse to have regrets. I refuse to do what everyone else thinks I should.  I have opinions on just about anything, and I like mine the best.  I can argue any point when I want to, I was told growing up that I should be a lawyer, and I’ve been called “the great debater”.  I’m not really sure if that’s a good thing.  I’m super sensitive and many people have made me cry without ever knowing it. I think I’m hard to get to know, I’ve been told I act like a snob or a bitch, but in reality I’m just really reserved and shy.  Once you get to know me you see a totally different side that most people don’t even know is there.  I’m usually down for anything at least once… unless it involves heights.  I also hate surprises, even good ones.  I can out drink most people that I know.  Again, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. I try to embrace all experiences good and bad.  Cause the good feels good, and the bad just makes you stronger anyway.  I’m pretty controlling, territorial, and possessive.  But with that comes a world of good intentions, loyalty, passion, and usually love.  I’ve had more jobs then I can really count, I often forget about one or two of em.  When I was younger I was definitely an impulsive little thing. I’ve outgrown that…mostly.  I have a soft spot for animals, and I can’t bare to watch those ASPCA commercials with Sarah Mclachlan singing (depressing!!).   I always wanted to be a mother, and I’m thankful that God blessed me with that privilege.  My faith in God was instilled in me from birth, and has remained a huge part of my life. But I don’t think it’s my personal mission to bring others to Jesus, and I don’t think that only one denomination is going to Heaven.  I’m also really embarrassed by the amount of people that call themselves Christian yet are so super judgmental and prejudiced.  I’m a pretty open minded person and pretty liberal, but I have my limitations as I think we all should.  Every day before school my dad told me “be a leader, not a follower”, I think I did a fairly good job of sticking to that.  I have a lot of responsibilities and a lot of titles, but at 31 I’m still kinda searching for who I am.   For now I am all these things, made up in part by my experiences, my choices, the consequences of those choices, the people that I have let in my life, the people that showed up unexpectedly, the ones who stayed, the ones who left, but mostly because I don’t know how to be anything other than this.