I Can Relate II

"Once I'd found the courage to leave the madness, any emotional shades of gray had come sharply into focus."

Someday

Someday...I will write more boldly about my 11 year marriage and it's demise.  All I can seem to muster right now are blurbs fraught with emotion.  Some things are still too raw, some things I'm still working on, and I'm sure there are some things I still haven't faced. 
But someday..I want to write about my marriage, what it started out to be, what it truly was, and how & why it ended.
And someday...I want to write more openly about continuing my life as a divorcee, the search for myself, and my search for (dare I say it??) love.

Security

Clinging to whatever is consistent, and deciding to settle into it like a warm, cozy blanket wrapped snuggly around me.

Underneath

Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is moving forward; happy; content; or for some people, content in being unhappy.  Either way they are moving.  They are living.  Am I?  Some days I’m not sure…I keep moving, I keep going through the motions.  I try to laugh, to smile, to plan, to live.  But my heart is still searching; for what, I’m not sure.  But there’s a constant uneasiness under the layers.

Surprising/Confusing Revelations from Divorce

We shouldn’t have gotten married.

I married the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

If my love felt so real with him, then how will I ever know when I AM in the right relationship and with the right person?

I am a statistic. And not a pleasant one.

I feel like a few years of my life were wasted….and I can never get them back. But maybe they were necessary?

What if I am alone for the rest of my life? What if I never experience true love or intimacy again?

If I had left sooner would it have been easier/worse/different at all?

Sometimes I’m just not sure where to go from here. How long do you feel lost in your identity?

How will I know when I’m over the worst of it? Will anything ever be easy again? Will anything ever be this hard again?

I know that everyone’s future is uncertain, but mine feels REALLY uncertain. I can’t even imagine where my life will be a year from now, and that’s really hard for someone like me to even conceptualize.

The New Year

2010: I don’t even know what to say. My initial instinct is to laugh. Hmmm defense mechanism? Yes this was a life altering year for me, but what else can I say that hasn't been said already?  Not much; that’s made abundantly clear on my blog. So I’d rather write about the prospects for 2011:

I think it’s safe to say at this point in my life I am well schooled in trying to go with what life throws my way. I am well versed in mini pep talks to myself, finding my strength, hanging on to my faith (sometimes by a thread), and pushing through. But what I hope to gain (and as quickly as possible please dear God) is to….

…learn how to let go of expectations.

…try and recognize and understand the woman that I truly am and then hold THAT in a higher regard then the ugly thoughts of the past

…and oh yea if it’s not too much to ask, I want to learn how to just simply… BE. Just exist peacefully..... As an individual. Without empty excess; without anxiety; without guilt. I want serenity within.