RANDOM THOUGHTS... by Jennifer

I Have Wondered

2011-11-02T14:40:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I have wondered what’s worse; a parent who chooses not to face or deal with any of their child’s emotional turmoil or hardships, or a parent who is just absent altogether (like ran off with the gypsies and left said child on g’ma’s porch as a newborn).

I grew up with the first kind of parent. My parents were there physically and yes all my basic needs were met, and yes I knew they loved me. But there’s something that happens to a child on the inside when mom and dad are incapable of dealing with their emotions; parents who choose to put on a blindfold and look the other way.

My dad sustained a brain injury when I was 9, and could no longer work. The injury caused permanent damage to his brain, affecting his moods and how he coped with stress. Meaning: He has zero tolerance for any type of stress, has mood swings, severe depression, and then chose to cope with it all by isolating himself and smoking marijuana daily. Now, 23 yrs later, he is coping much better, and the mood swings & bouts of depression are less frequent, however those are the memories I’m stuck with of my dad from childhood; yelling, punching holes in walls, or severe depression. Secrets were kept, and things were glossed over with a simple “we’ll get through it” or “we’ll pray about it”. So even when I was 14 and the ATF raided our house (in helicopters and vans) because someone turned my dad in for running a “marijuana farm”, and he faced jail time for the 90lbs of marijuana that was growing behind our house [though he was never selling it, that was a false accusation] my mother simply stated the facts to us and that was that. After a few weeks of sobriety my dad became severely depressed and suicidal. He stayed in various psychiatric hospitals over the course of the next few months.

Looking back I realize that my mom was doing all she could to keep her head above water. All she had ever known was survival. Her parents were emotionally & oftentimes physically absent, her dad was a binge drinker whom she had to pick up from bars in her teen years when he was too drunk to drive home, and she is the only one of three daughters that wasn’t crippled with Mental Retardation or severe anxiety and later alcoholism. I get it. But what bothers me and what I struggle with admitting is that I’m angry that she could never seem to be there for me. Like REALLY be there. Yes, my mom would jump in front of a truck if it would save me from danger, yes she would keep my kids last minute if I needed it or loan me money if she has it. And YES I am thankful for those blessings that others don’t have. But like I said, something happens to you on the inside when you watch your mother & father ignore your emotional needs; when they fail you during the toughest times of your childhood and teen years.

When I was frightened by the things I saw in the psych hospitals my mother never asked how I felt…

When everyone at my small town school knew my dad had been arrested my mother never asked how I felt…

When I stayed locked in my room, only surfacing to eat, throughout the majority of my teen years, my mother never asked how I felt!!!

By the time I was 19 my mother had managed to consume herself with handling life around us, and she so easily chose to blindfold herself when something might be too emotionally overwhelming or God forbid, she might have to talk to one of us about how we felt or actually gain some information about what we were doing with our lives in teenhood. So her reaction really shouldn’t have been a shocker when my 19yr old self announced I was getting married to a 20 yr old guy I had only known a few months, and she simply said “ok, well do we get to meet him?”.

A few months into marriage when I expressed to her how afraid I was of my husband’s anger one day, she simply said “but he’s good to you right.” and then put on her blindfold…

When she saw the wounds on my wrist after an argument with him, she accepted my pathetic attempt at a lie and put on her blindfold…

When my sister started staying in her room for days at a time with severe depression not even coming out to use the bathroom because of her anxiety, and would just pee in a bucket…or when my brother started getting DUI’s, and drinking everyday… my mom chose her blindfold…

There are countless other examples of when my mom simply chose to not be involved in our lives on an emotional level. My dad had the “out” of being considered incapable, but for my mom who was a college educated, professional, Christian, kind hearted woman who simply continued to look the other way…it was CONFUSING. I know that I had two parents present in my life, yet I seem to be the angriest at my mom. I think somewhere in my mind I concluded that my dad had a physical handicap that simply didn’t allow for him to be emotionally supportive of anyone else. All he could manage was himself, and even that was a stretch. In my head, my mother never had good reason to ignore the obvious signs that her children were struggling. Now as a 32 yr old social worker and budding therapist I do see her in a different light. I do realize that she was handicapped in her own way because of her childhood. I try to accept that, and hope that the anger subsides, and it has some. The damage is slowly undoing itself while I’m in therapy. In the wake of my separation and divorce I realized more and more how different my life truly would have been had I grown up with at least one emotionally supportive parent, but the reality is that I didn’t.
Today my relationship with my mom can be taxing at times. We have a love/hate that is incredibly unhealthy. I haven’t liked hugs or kisses from my mom since I was a teenager, and could never figure out why because I’m incredibly affectionate with my own kids, friends, and significant others. I think there is a lot of hurt, frustration, anger, and confusion deep down inside that’s still trying to surface. I struggle with feelings and worry of abandonment, rejection, and loneliness. I know exactly what it all stems from. I know the exact moments in my life where if my mother had handled something differently my life would have headed down a totally different course. That can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes, but I’m trying.

Things I Have Actually Said Outloud...

2011-10-22T15:00:00.010-05:00

...while perusing my matches on an online dating site. : / Seriously, I'm not making any of this up. Just thought I'd share...

"He was on the other site too! Dude, give it up, you're gay!"

"Ugh, he has elf ears!"

"That's because you look like a pedophile..."

"um, gross"

"Cute, but can't spell."

"You're obviously high in all these pictures"

"Well gee with a screen name like 'Elated HoneyStick', who could resist?? Oh, and you're 50? Even better!"

(big sigh) I think I'll stick with finding happiness as a single girl :)

I Am Me

2011-10-18T14:35:00.002-05:00

Part of self discovery post divorce...

I like that I have never lost my enthusiasm for summertime.

I feel at peace in the water.

I think I would wither away without music.

Online dating sites depress me.

I’m pretty sure I am too carefree and passionate with my love.

I don’t like it when someone doesn’t like me; it makes me feel misunderstood.

I think I have a knack for cooking, decorating, and organizing.

I like being in charge.

I have workaholic tendencies.

Sleep is the only vacation my mind ever gets.

I wish I had more self discipline.

I struggle, I fall apart, and I have breakdowns.

I’m happy I found life without anxiety.

I think quickly on my feet.

I like laughing so hard I can’t breathe.

I really love cheese, like to a ridiculous degree.

I’m kind of obsessed with food.

Technology and math elude me.

I get vicious when I’m tired or hungry.

I never hold grudges.

I have a sixth sense for bullshit.

I’m not always the person I want to be.

I’m smart. I’m nurturing. I’m jaded.

I am me.

What It’s Like When Divorce Is a Happy Ending

2011-08-17T16:58:00.003-05:00

Preface

Everyone who knows me well, knows that I write; all the time, about everything. Whether it’s short blurbs on FB, posts on my blog, or in a personal journal, I’m always writing. I even use the memo app on my phone in case I need to write when I’m out and about. I’ve wanted to write about my marriage/divorce experience for a while, but up to this point my brain was too overwhelmed to make anything happen on paper that wasn’t much longer then a facebook status. I know at one time divorce was something that I didn’t think too much of because I wasn’t experiencing it, plus it’s still kind of one of those ugly words in society that no one wants to think about. People still have a tendency to think that divorce means you just didn’t try or someone cheated. But I can tell you that after 3 months of dating, 11 years of marriage, 1 year of separation, and 5 months of divorce with that man….I’m STILL trying. And no one cheated.

One of the biggest surprises in separation and divorce is how friends will either choose sides (not choose you) or they will simply disappear. It hurts, it’s confusing, and it’s another loss to grieve on top of everything else. So you are left to make heads or tails of it, and then just accept it. Happy couples don’t want to be around divorcees. I haven’t quite decided if it’s because they are afraid divorce is contagious or just because they don’t want to acknowledge unsuccessful or unhappy marriages. Another big surprise is the amount of courage it takes to be the one to end something badly. I once compared it to having to shoot a dog that you accidentally ran over and is dying slowly and torturously in front of your eyes. It takes courage to end the suffering. Had someone fully convinced me beforehand of what it would take to end my marriage, I don’t know that I would have had the guts, energy, or faith to go through with it.

Hopefully sharing my experience will possibly help someone else in a similar situation sort some things out. But in reality I’m sure only about 3 people will read this (and I know who you all are!); either way writing about it helps me. Which brings me to another aspect of the divorce process that you don’t think about until you’re in the middle of it…it takes time; not just in the legal sense, but emotionally. It takes a very long time to forgive your ex and yourself for the resentments that can build up over the years; to learn how to form a new kind of relationship (when there are children involved); to mourn your marriage -what it was as well as what it never was; and finally, to file away the memories-deciding what to cherish, and what to let go of. Time is both your friend and enemy during this process.

So I preface all that I’m going to write and share with this disclaimer: This is my account of my marriage, separation & divorce; my perspective, my feelings, and my opinion of my relationship with him, and what caused him to be the kind of husband he was.

Chapter 1

Who I Married

You can never quite explain to people what it’s like to be married to someone who falls under the Histrionic Personality Disorder category (that’s right, I diagnosed my ex). It’s something that has to be experienced, not that anyone would want to though. He/she can be very charming on the outside, makes friends easily, finds something in common with you, and likes to be the center of attention & life of the party. But what you don’t see from the outside is that growing up they were consistently abused or neglected in some form (not always physically!) by their primary caregivers. Without going into great detail, my ex husband was treated pretty unfairly by the two people who were supposed to love him more then anyone else—his parents. Therefore his emotional needs weren’t met so there you have it….an insecure little boy inside a grown man’s body.

In the briefest way possible here is a little bit about what it’s like to be married to someone like this:

1) Everything is your fault; no matter what. Even if it’s insanely illogical, it is spun in a way to be the other person’s fault. This makes the “Histrionic” feel better. He/she is way too uncomfortable to have to accept fault for something. This is a bad feeling and they don’t want to feel this and will avoid it at all cost.

ONE EXAMPLE OF HUNDREDS: One time we ran out of gas out in the country, miles from a store in the middle of the night. He had loaned our car to his brother & I needed to drive out to my parent’s house for something, so he borrowed his dad’s truck. When we ran out of gas and had to walk for 3 hours he said it was all my fault. Why? Because my parent’s lived too far out. Not because he loaned out our car, not because he was driving and didn’t check the gas gauge, but simply because of the location of my parent’s home. He was so angry with the situation all he could do (all he KNEW to do) was to take it out on me. I remember walking past a house where some dogs started growling and barking, and sounded close to us, but it was so pitch black we couldn’t see them. I was afraid and reached out for his hand, only to have him shrug it off. He refused to speak to me for the entire three hours we walked that night.

2) He/she will always feel attacked no matter what you do or say. Especially once you’ve “wounded” them, which isn’t hard. And by wound them I mean, stand up for yourself, set boundaries, or disagree with their stance or opinion on something. Any time you do any of these things, you are “attacking” them, or so they feel & they react in defense mode. Oftentimes you are left standing there with your jaw on the floor wondering what the hell just happened. Eventually you may even start to question your own sanity because after a while you’ve no doubt been told numerous times that you are mean, vicious, or evil. And no matter what you say in your own defense you are told you are lying. This will definitely make you feel crazy, but in actuality because you know you are NOT crazy, it just maddens you even more.

3) Histrionics will sometimes have perfectionist tendencies and compete with others to be the best. You may find yourself in a competition that you didn’t even know you entered, and it can be over anything; cooking, cleaning, parenting, who has more friends. It’s quite confusing to find yourself in a competition you didn’t enter, but then to always have to lose? Maddening.

4) All of their emotions are in high gear. Histrionic men typically only have two main emotions, happy or angry. There is no middle ground. Much like how Histrionics view the world around them; no gray areas. They can produce the same amount of anger over a fast food order gone wrong and totaling a vehicle. I can tell you what it’s like to live in constant stress mode knowing that if your spouse isn’t happy, there will be hell to endure.

5) They cannot deal with anyone else’s negative emotions; this is too much of a burden. If you are having a bad day, or you’re sad, or angry don’t expect the histrionic to support you. Next thing you know your bad day has now turned into an argument in which they are now the center of attention and are for some reason angry with you, and you aren’t even sure why! It can happen so fast it makes your head spin, trust me.

6) He/she will NEVER own up to any of these traits. If you try to point them out they feel attacked or blamed for doing or being something “bad”. If you try different ways to communicate, they just assume you are trying to manipulate them (another form of attack), and will accuse you of such. According to my ex-husband I am a master manipulator & liar simply because I tried various ways to effectively communicate. (silly me)

If you find yourself frustrated or angered reading this, then imagine living it daily for over a decade. Fun times! If you find yourself wondering why the hell anyone would stay in a relationship like this… well let me answer that; at least from my perspective of having survived it.

To be continued... hopefully…

Chapter 2: Who I Was
Chapter 3: I Stayed Because of the Children, and Then I Left Because of the Children
Chapter 4: Who I Am Now (alternately titled “Free At Last, Thank God Almighty!!!”)

2011-07-20T13:43:00.000-05:00

I think I have finally stopped moving long enough to realize how much my life is actually going in the right direction. Despite the hang ups here and there I'm still moving forward. Maybe this is part of healing...you finally stop whining and crying long enough to look around and remember the good stuff.

A Better Place to Be

2011-07-13T13:16:00.002-05:00

I get closer and closer each day. :)

Easter Can Be Full of Promise

2011-04-27T12:47:00.001-05:00

I’m sitting here on my porch at the end of Easter Sunday thinking about how I just made it through another holiday post separation/divorce; and this particular holiday comes two weeks after a heartbreaking end to another relationship.

I feel the evening breeze on my skin and through my hair. I watch the leaves and tree branches dance in the wind; dusk is setting in. I see my cat running across the pasture to come home, I watch the guard light flicker on, and somewhere in the distance I hear a car on the highway.

A million thoughts run through my mind...him, how I miss what we had, how he ultimately betrayed me because of feelings for an old love, and now the acceptance that it wasn’t meant to be. I think of my future, and I feel so unsure. I say prayers of thankfulness that I yet again overcame one more of life’s hardships; thankful for friends; and finally… thankful for feeling hope and promise that great things can come.

I Really Don't Know

2011-04-26T12:43:00.001-05:00

Everyone says you have to love yourself before you can be in a meaningful, healthy relationship. Ok, got it. But how do you do this? People keep saying “you gotta love yourself first Jenn”, but they don’t follow it up with instructions or examples. I mean that may sound weird, but really how do you go about loving yourself? I like myself. I think I’m a great girl with good qualities, a lot to offer in a relationship. But the cold truth is that I will put up with the dumbest shit from men, and suffer for fear that I won’t find any better. And apparently that’s the big neon sign everyone keeps trying to point me to that says “you don’t love yourself enough”.

Jenn’s dating history 101: Only one “almost boyfriend” when I was 17 followed by a few guys that I just “talked” to. No one stuck around, no one respected me. My future ex-husband came along when I was 19, and was the first “good” guy so we got married. My therapist refers to the relationship as emotionally abusive. What I didn’t understand during my marriage was that emotional abuse and verbal abuse are two different things… which I’m embarrassed to admit now that I didn’t know, and certainly didn’t recognize in my own marriage. I just knew that I felt 20 kinds of crazy after most of my conversations with him, and that everything was always my fault; even when it was logically impossible. Following separation I entered another relationship that lasted only months, and even though it all seemed very different, I was ultimately shit on.

So all of that brings me back to the present. Here I am, almost 32 years old, two beautiful children, a career, a good sense of humor, and a loving family. Yet I feel empty. I think if I were really this prize package that people try to get me to see then the men would be lining up, right?? I mean that’s what makes sense to me. But there aren’t any men; there never really have been. So to me it’s like the proof is in the pudding. No men = I’m not a prize to be won. Shit…then again maybe that’s the girl who doesn’t love herself talking. How do you separate wanting to share your life with a man, and not wrapping your self-worth around finding one?

Diary of a Depressed Woman

2011-04-21T15:27:00.000-05:00

More collections from my "memos" app on my phone:

4/15 @ 11:52pm: I think the worst sadness is when you can't manage to shed a single tear. And the pain just sits heavy in your heart. With no release.

4/16 @ 6:39pm: I stare monotonously at the TV. Not really watching, but trying to focus. Hard to watch anyone else have any emotions at all when happiness was ripped from my fingers.

4/18@ 5:34pm: Gaining a new perspective seems to be the only way out.

4/21 @ 2pm: Sometimes I feel really lost.

Rerun

2011-04-21T15:09:00.000-05:00

I had the bright idea to glimpse back over my blogs from last year.....And here I was a year ago. How much does it suck that I could apply this to my exact situation now?? UGH. Will I ever learn.....

The Aftermath

2011-04-18T08:23:00.002-05:00

I see everyone around me and I smile, and nod, and speak when spoken to. I can do my job with my eyes closed. I sit at this desk, and I stare at my computer. I see the news and hear of natural disasters, I hear about other’s tragedies, and somewhere in the back of my mind I think “see? My life could be much worse”. And then I silently thank God for my blessings, especially the well being of my children. The clock rolls around to 5:00, I make the drive home, saying silent prayers to keep me strong, and help me move on from what I thought was total happiness. I get my children; I somehow manage to busy myself with house cleaning while they play. Then we go through the evening routine of dinner, showers, teeth brushing, and bedtime. By 8:00 I’m longing for my bed, the comfort of my dark cool room, under the covers, just me. I cry into my pillow, I vow not to listen to country music too much right now, as used to be part of my bedtime routine, I say prayers, and wait for my sleep aid or anti anxiety medication to kick in. I feel the drowsiness and calmness overtake me, and I have no worries, my mind is free and clear for those few moments, and my heart doesn’t hurt for those few moments of the day. I wake up in the morning and start it all over. I get up. I breathe. I walk. I do what I’m supposed to do. With a dull ache in my heart and a gnawing in the pit of my stomach….knowing that love and happiness slipped out of my life not once, but twice.

'Happily Ever After' will NEVER happen

2011-04-11T12:48:00.001-05:00

Things have been wonderful for the past few months. Almost like a fairytale in some ways, I know that sounds cheesy, but they were. I should have reminded myself more often that fairytales don't exist in real life. Then maybe this pain wouldn't cut so deep. I don't even know what else to say. Sometimes there are absolutely no words to describe emotional pain.

Late Night Thoughts

2011-03-28T15:43:00.000-05:00

I still sometimes try to figure out why I stayed for so long. I think I would get these glimpses of what could be...little moments that felt like what I had always wanted. I guess I kept hoping that somehow those little moments would transpire into a permanent way of life. But they never did.

Perhaps?

2011-02-10T16:29:00.000-06:00

I think I’m quite possibly entering a zen like state. It’s either that or I’m going numb. But definitely pulling for zen.

The New Ideal

2011-02-02T16:41:00.003-06:00

I think I want the same things in a man that other women want; physical attraction, compassion, some kind of intelligence, sense of humor, goal oriented.

But I’m definitely starting to realize that maybe there are some “basics” that should outweigh all of the above.

1) Do what you say you’re gonna do, and if for some reason you can’t then offer a legit explanation.

2) Try to see things from other people’s perspective every now and then.

3) When you screw up say you’re sorry.

4) Take care of your woman. Even if she’s independent & strong. Even if she says she doesn’t need you to. Take care of her.

5) Handle your business, and be a self sufficient adult.

6) Just be honest....it's much easier in the long run.

7) Be a man.

A V-day Promise

2011-02-01T09:03:00.001-06:00

I keep thinking I’ll dread this Valentine’s Day; it will be my first one in 13 years without a “Valentine”. I had almost decided to detest the red sparkly hearts already adorning places of business, and the whole aisles at the grocery store devoted to this love fest. But then I kinda realized that I wasn’t that sad about it afterall. There’s this thought that keeps surfacing to the forefront of my mind every time I have one of these fits of nostalgia or start to feel down because I think I’m the last one on earth to find real love. That thought is this: I would rather be alone and in love with myself & my life then to be in another unfulfilling relationship like the one I had.

So this Valentine’s Day I’m making a promise to myself. I will, of course, bestow gifts on my “sweethearts” {my kiddos}, but I will also make a promise to love myself more then I have in the past. And to love myself enough to know that I’m ok with spending Valentine’s Day alone this year and for years to come if that’s what is meant to be. Because the relationship I have with myself, and knowing who I am, and being comfortable and confident with that is far more attractive (in MY eyes), and far more important to me then any man I’ve ever laid eyes on.

I Can Relate II

2011-01-14T10:02:00.002-06:00

"Once I'd found the courage to leave the madness, any emotional shades of gray had come sharply into focus."

Someday

2011-01-12T11:04:00.000-06:00

Someday...I will write more boldly about my 11 year marriage and it's demise. All I can seem to muster right now are blurbs fraught with emotion. Some things are still too raw, some things I'm still working on, and I'm sure there are some things I still haven't faced.
But someday..I want to write about my marriage, what it started out to be, what it truly was, and how & why it ended.
And someday...I want to write more openly about continuing my life as a divorcee, the search for myself, and my search for (dare I say it??) love.

Security

2011-01-11T11:51:00.001-06:00

Clinging to whatever is consistent, and deciding to settle into it like a warm, cozy blanket wrapped snuggly around me.

Underneath

2011-01-10T11:53:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is moving forward; happy; content; or for some people, content in being unhappy. Either way they are moving. They are living. Am I? Some days I’m not sure…I keep moving, I keep going through the motions. I try to laugh, to smile, to plan, to live. But my heart is still searching; for what, I’m not sure. But there’s a constant uneasiness under the layers.

Surprising/Confusing Revelations from Divorce

2011-01-08T11:49:00.002-06:00

We shouldn’t have gotten married.

I married the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

If my love felt so real with him, then how will I ever know when I AM in the right relationship and with the right person?

I am a statistic. And not a pleasant one.

I feel like a few years of my life were wasted….and I can never get them back. But maybe they were necessary?

What if I am alone for the rest of my life? What if I never experience true love or intimacy again?

If I had left sooner would it have been easier/worse/different at all?

Sometimes I’m just not sure where to go from here. How long do you feel lost in your identity?

How will I know when I’m over the worst of it? Will anything ever be easy again? Will anything ever be this hard again?

I know that everyone’s future is uncertain, but mine feels REALLY uncertain. I can’t even imagine where my life will be a year from now, and that’s really hard for someone like me to even conceptualize.

The New Year

2011-01-05T11:33:00.002-06:00

2010: I don’t even know what to say. My initial instinct is to laugh. Hmmm defense mechanism? Yes this was a life altering year for me, but what else can I say that hasn't been said already? Not much; that’s made abundantly clear on my blog. So I’d rather write about the prospects for 2011:

I think it’s safe to say at this point in my life I am well schooled in trying to go with what life throws my way. I am well versed in mini pep talks to myself, finding my strength, hanging on to my faith (sometimes by a thread), and pushing through. But what I hope to gain (and as quickly as possible please dear God) is to….

…learn how to let go of expectations.

…try and recognize and understand the woman that I truly am and then hold THAT in a higher regard then the ugly thoughts of the past

…and oh yea if it’s not too much to ask, I want to learn how to just simply… BE. Just exist peacefully..... As an individual. Without empty excess; without anxiety; without guilt. I want serenity within.

Cowboy Boots

2010-12-29T13:48:00.002-06:00

There they were at my front door step. Everything I had envisioned so clearly for quite some time now. Cowboy boots, and gentlemanly ways with an aire of confidence & control...... only this time the lines were blurred.

Trapped

2010-12-22T15:07:00.003-06:00

Kind eyes and a warm smile…. so misleading. Not the way out, but oh how I wish it was. Instead I remain trapped.

Taboo

2010-12-20T22:22:00.003-06:00

Despite how common divorce is, it seems to still be taboo in some parts of the U.S. (i.e. where I live & amongst many people I know). It seems like so many people would rather stay unhappily married then to “give up” or admit it wasn’t working.

I guess I understand though….I did that for a long time too.

Then one day I decided to do something different.

And my God, who knew the courage & strength it would take.

Rebirth

2010-12-17T13:19:00.001-06:00

“Well, sometimes it's necessary for a rebirth, but you know that.”

.....An innocent email from my sister got me to thinking, Can you ever really be “reborn”? I mean not in the spiritual sense because that’s not even where I’m trying to go with this. But I thought her choice of words was interesting….. “rebirth”. I mean, sure I know what she means, but is it possible? I mean truly possible to start your life over from scratch? I don’t think so. When we’re born we are innocent, and free from a past. Can that ever happen again? Despite how much we may want to forget, and how much we may choose to leave people and places behind, and how much we try to sell ourselves on the concept of letting go, we never really unshed our past. It is engrained in us, and as much a part of our identity as our eye color. I guess the best we can hope for is to learn from the past, and accept it as a part of who we have become; embrace rather then let go. Move forward not to be reborn or start fresh, but to continue on living life with the wisdom & strength that only an undesirable past can bring you.

Disclaimer

2010-12-14T22:15:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I feel like I’ve been ousted from this privileged club; one full of people who manage to keep their marriage together. As my divorce moves forward I’m sure I’ll be finding myself “announcing” it again & again. And I’m realizing more and more that I want everyone to know that I tried. Like I feel the need to add a disclaimer to my divorce status stating “I was married for 11 years and gave it everything I had. So much so that it sucked me dry. I lay my head on my pillow each night knowing that I gave 250%, but it still failed. That happens sometimes. Yes it’s sad, no it isn’t the story I envisioned for myself, but sometimes that happens too.”

I Can Relate

2010-12-12T21:59:00.001-06:00

"Could've loved you all my life
if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold"

To Be Continued.......

2010-12-08T15:37:00.005-06:00

So I've done the whole "wife thing", and it wasn't always what I had envisioned, dreamed about, hoped for, etc, etc....
But there were some good times; times when I felt blessed, times when I felt sheer joy at the sight of this other human being.
There were definite hard times, sad times, and times when I felt sheer hatred at the sight of this other human being.
Sadly enough the latter happened waaaay more often then it should have.
But I did it. I was the wife. Now I'm done. What's next??

Oh, the Places I Have Lived

2010-12-06T21:16:00.007-06:00

I copied this idea from a blog I read a few years ago, and thought it would be fun to write.

I grew up in Axtell, Tx which is a very small town outside of Waco; 30 miles out into the country….wide open spaces, dirt roads, pastures full of wild flowers in the summer, a night sky full of stars, and the sound of crickets and locusts on summer evenings…. I was incredibly bored, and couldn’t wait to leave! And no sooner than I had my high school diploma in hand I was off to Denton, Tx to attend college with one of my best friends.

It was there that I learned that God will send you big, flashing, neon signs to let you know you’re going the wrong way.

So I moved back home, back to the country, and back in with my parents. My 18th year was fast and furious mixed with various jobs & boys, some I’m not so proud of (both the jobs and the boys), and others I’ve long since forgotten. Four days after my 19th birthday I started work at a department store where, little did I know, I would meet my future husband. And by “future” I mean we were engaged within 5 months, and married 3 months after that. He was in the Air Force so this meant we would be moving shortly after we wed. Our first station was San Angelo, Tx …. 360 miles from everyone we knew.

During my four years in San Angelo, I attended college, sold bras at Victoria’s Secret, and unexpectedly became a mother at the tender age of 22. I enjoyed hole in the wall restaurants that have sweet memories in my heart (yes, I love food that much), picked up more Spanish vocabulary, and made a home with my husband. I also woke up one morning to hear that the World Trade Center had gone down in flames, and turned on the TV in time to see the second tower fall….while living on a military base, my husband on “mobility”, and 9 months pregnant. After that day we couldn’t leave to get groceries without having to drive over bomb detector equipment, and have our car searched. While our country prepared for war, I prepared to bring a baby into the world.

We soon grew tired of this quiet city, and felt it was time for a change. He put in orders for Germany, Hawaii, and Arlington, Tx; we ended up in Arlington (apparently God was determined to keep us in the Lone Star state).

Though I have to say….I LOVED Arlington! Finally a REAL city! We found an awesome, but overly expensive apartment, and lived there with our sweet baby girl who was almost 2 years old. Arlington brought on bouts of allergies and asthma complications for the whole family. I attended my 4th college, had my first experience of driving out of a preschool parking lot with tears streaming down my face, and attempted cocktail waitressing again which I hadn’t done since I was 18.

After a year in Arlington I decided that it was time to put down permanent roots somewhere, and I thought of home…yes the small town life that I once thought I hated. So we left our super cute, way too expensive apartment, and moved back to Axtell where I had grown up. After a torturous 9 months of living with my parents we found and bought a house that we LOVED. That house became a home very quickly, and we owned it with pride. We accumulated various pets, things, another vehicle; endured career changes, and yes still college for me. A year or so later our 5 year old daughter became a big sister to our second baby girl.

Fast forward 4 years, and I still live in this small town. A lot of changes have taken place, but I still call Axtell my home. I have no idea what the future holds, but I’m glad that my short journey in life (so far) brought me back to my roots.

Update? Yes I think so.

2010-12-01T23:00:00.033-06:00

Moving forward one step at a time. The decisions become more concrete, yet I still find cracks. Occasional waves of guilt, loss, and sadness; but mostly an immense feeling of freedom. Was my heart chained so heavily? Confusing. What if it always feels this way?
It's never easy I suppose... even when you're the one that chooses to "leave". There's something really tragic about a love dying between two people who once saved each other, protected each other, and thought that forever existed.

"There are some nights when sleep plays coy, aloof, and disdainful...."

Memos to Myself

2010-11-27T13:19:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I jot down quick thoughts during the day or night on my cell phone app, "memos". Thought I'd share a few:

"Reality. It's the surprise of when it hits.....like in the middle of doing laundry."

"There will always be those people that think you should be a certain way, think a certain way, live a certain way. Always."

"I think I sighed at least 10 times out loud today. Tired. Monotony of surviving. Stuck somewhere between here and there."

"I woke up this morning to Dwight's 'A Thousand Miles from Nowhere'.... hope that's not prophetic in any way."

2010-11-15T11:40:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I'm sad just for their sake... the 19 and 20 year old. Young & carefree; their whole lives ahead of them. Two fools in love.

You Have to Live It To Understand It

2010-11-02T19:08:00.001-05:00

"Emotional horror", she said. I thought I understood, but I just wasn't in the right place to fully grasp it. "I've felt that bad before", I kept thinking.... "so what could be worse?". Little did I know.

It's a state of limbo. Not belonging anywhere. Stuck in a past I no longer wanted, yet afraid to move too far ahead. Making concrete decisions, but unable to fully let go. Emotional horror. Bittersweet & promise; caught in the in between. Afraid to allow hope and excitement to stay; heavy laden with guilt. Unsure of what I'm clinging to, but the cold realizations that I'm still clinging. Emotional horror. Speaking so casually about a life I've never known, someone else's life, wait....my life. Surreal. Waves of confusion, anger, hurt, then more guilt. The changes come fast, but painstakingly. It starts to feel like torture, then I catch a glimpse of light. I take another step forward. I glance back; my heart hurts. Emotional horror.

Awake

2010-10-31T22:42:00.000-05:00

I finally look around me. I see a friend, my baby’s face, I share a laugh, or feel loved; I am reminded that I’m alive.

Afternoon

2010-10-15T12:14:00.000-05:00

The day is long and slow…….stretched out before me like a winding dirt road that disappears on the edge of the horizon. Nothing for miles around…….. the air is still, no sounds of nature, no sign of life.

Sleep Eludes Me...

2010-10-13T22:13:00.005-05:00

Crickets chirping... a sound from my childhood. TV on mute... just flashing lights. Digital numbers on the alarm clock... an eerie blue. The air in the room... almost audible.
And sleep eludes me....
My day flashes before me... then the past weeks, months, and years. Random thoughts... random memories.
Tears fill my eyes, and sleep eludes me.

"I'm wondering how birds find their way....
There are so many things I don't understand.
What makes a woman not love a man?
I think I should just be alone.
I think I should find my way home."
~Jonah Matranga

Tonight

2010-10-05T23:10:00.008-05:00

It was too much in one night…

All of “them” on my mind, 'Baby You Save Me' playin' on the radio-- dedicated between lovers, 11 years worth of guilt bubbling up, an old movie on TV conjuring up memories of better days, stressful workweek, and too much caffeine.

The tears have been falling.

This doesn’t bode well for me.

CONTROL

2010-09-30T22:46:00.011-05:00

You wanted it. Here ya go. You can have it. I wrapped it up for you in a nice, shiny package covered in hope, despair, confusion, and anger....the tag on the package says "Fuck you for all the bullshit you threw my way". Gee, you must of been really scared when I took it from you! Cause I'm guessing the silence means you want it back now?? It must. You sure work damn hard to get it from me. Funny how someone would work so hard to get something they have very little appreciation for. So here it is in a package just for you... disguised as a ~~vulnerable~~ friendly message. I hope that when you open it up it makes you feel foolishly warm & fuzzy inside; secure in your manhood again. I hope it makes you swell with pride at what a fucking asshole you are.

2010-09-27T22:17:00.001-05:00

Something needed to be said... I had to write something down tonight. I just wasn't sure what. I was hoping my fingers would just type out the right words... I'm at a loss. Again, I come to what feels like a turning point. It continues to amaze me how I can come to a confident decision only to feel the crushing pain of guilt. I've been thinking a lot lately about what motivates people. We all have motivators otherwise we'd cease to function. The problem is that the primary motivator of women is guilt. A good friend of mine calls this "the guilt gene". It's incredibly true when you think about it... think about how much we as women function out of pure guilt. We worry constantly, we analyze, we "overthink" as men like to say or make things too complicated. Are we doing this because we are secretly or even unknowingly struggling with the guilt we feel inside?? I don't know...I have no real answers. I just know that although it can serve a positive purpose, guilt can also be binding; imprisoning you in your own actions & consequences. It can be suffocating and stifling; an emotional death.

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin

Me

2010-09-26T20:23:00.001-05:00

I’m probably the most analytical, “overthinking” person you could ever talk to. My brain never stops. I think I’m a pretty smart girl with an odd mix of book smarts, street smarts, and intuition. I have a really hard time being fake, this works for me and against me. Not much shocks me…seriously not much at all. I have a lot of aggression and I’m not always sure where it comes from. Music is everything to me, it cures me, it heals me, it revives me. I absolutely love movies, and I quote them in regular conversations. I tend to laugh when things get too serious, too crazy, or if I get too angry…I guess it’s a nervous habit? Jokes that most people think are gross or inappropriate, I think are freakin hilarious. I love to sleep. I cuss a lot, but still refuse to cuss in front of my parents. I’ve always been a little boy crazy. I really like tattoos, and have three of em. I’ll prob get a 4^th. I refuse to have regrets. I refuse to do what everyone else thinks I should. I have opinions on just about anything, and I like mine the best. I can argue any point when I want to, I was told growing up that I should be a lawyer, and I’ve been called “the great debater”. I’m not really sure if that’s a good thing. I’m super sensitive and many people have made me cry without ever knowing it. I think I’m hard to get to know, I’ve been told I act like a snob or a bitch, but in reality I’m just really reserved and shy. Once you get to know me you see a totally different side that most people don’t even know is there. I’m usually down for anything at least once… unless it involves heights. I also hate surprises, even good ones. I can out drink most people that I know. Again, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. I try to embrace all experiences good and bad. Cause the good feels good, and the bad just makes you stronger anyway. I’m pretty controlling, territorial, and possessive. But with that comes a world of good intentions, loyalty, passion, and usually love. I’ve had more jobs then I can really count, I often forget about one or two of em. When I was younger I was definitely an impulsive little thing. I’ve outgrown that…mostly. I have a soft spot for animals, and I can’t bare to watch those ASPCA commercials with Sarah Mclachlan singing (depressing!!). I always wanted to be a mother, and I’m thankful that God blessed me with that privilege. My faith in God was instilled in me from birth, and has remained a huge part of my life. But I don’t think it’s my personal mission to bring others to Jesus, and I don’t think that only one denomination is going to Heaven. I’m also really embarrassed by the amount of people that call themselves Christian yet are so super judgmental and prejudiced. I’m a pretty open minded person and pretty liberal, but I have my limitations as I think we all should. Every day before school my dad told me “be a leader, not a follower”, I think I did a fairly good job of sticking to that. I have a lot of responsibilities and a lot of titles, but at 31 I’m still kinda searching for who I am. For now I am all these things, made up in part by my experiences, my choices, the consequences of those choices, the people that I have let in my life, the people that showed up unexpectedly, the ones who stayed, the ones who left, but mostly because I don’t know how to be anything other than this.

To Anonymous Woman in Her 20's

2010-09-20T21:52:00.001-05:00

I hear you with your big dreams….I wanted those things once too. Young enough to dream it, and just old enough to have convinced yourself you can make it happen. The man, the house, babies. The part of me that still believes in dreams, hope, and love wants to be excited with you, and smile for you; basking in the glow of what’s to come. But the part of me that’s hurt, exhausted, and a little jaded wants to tell you about how it can all come crashing down on you one day if you aren’t careful. And how you might get so caught up in fighting to keep your dream alive, it never quite being just how you pictured, that you’ll lose yourself. And those big dreams will move just a little further out of reach again…

Let Her Cry

2010-09-17T01:18:00.002-05:00

"Let her cry..if the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing...if it eases all her pain

Let her go...let her walk right out on me

And if the sun comes up tomorrow

Let her be...let her be."

Hope...friend or enemy?

2010-09-13T16:16:00.001-05:00

Why do we hang on so tightly to people that aren't really good for us? I guess everyone is different, but some of us just have a much harder time letting go. Whether it be old boyfriends, a man/woman that did us wrong, a one sided friendship .... there is nothing to gain from the toxicity! The only thing I can figure is that those of us who do it are just clinging to hope. Hope that one day it will be better or different; that somehow the person or the dynamics of the relationship will change. I've always thought of hope as a good thing; it is what has gotten me through so many rough situations in my life. But the older I get the more I realize that hope has a very ugly side. Hope leads me down paths I shouldn't take. Hope smiles so warm and invitingly, yet makes promises that it just can't keep. I am a fool. I desperately cling to the toxicity because I stupidly have hope.

untitled III

2010-09-10T13:00:00.002-05:00

Do you ever stop to wonder why I look lighter, happier, seem freer? It’s because my shackles were cut loose. I no longer carry the ~~responsibility~~ burden of constantly tending to your needs, allowing your emotions to trump mine; helping to pick you up, dust you off, and give you the pep talk to go back out there and face the big bad world only to turn around myself and face an empty room. Don’t get me wrong, I get the significance of loving, caring, encouraging, supporting, and even being responsible for another human being, but I gave birth to those two; they’re mine and it’s unconditional. Unfortunately my feelings for you were not.

dissolution of marriage

2010-09-05T11:15:00.000-05:00

she emerges from his shadow... her light shining brighter than before

Loneliness

2010-09-02T01:39:00.005-05:00

My old companion…

an enemy in disguise.

She curled around me at night to sit with me in misery…

causing my tears to fall;

the emptiness filled with her presence.

She does not make a sound; she has no voice…

only the silent agony.

I met her when I was young;

but when he found me she disappeared …

The day she returned

I recognized her right away

as she stood there;

even with him in the same room she taunted me.

And now?

Her very presence swallows me whole.

untitled II

2010-09-01T10:09:00.004-05:00

Distractions, distractions, distractions.....

At some point I'm gonna have to face being alone with my thoughts.

untitled

2010-08-31T14:07:00.001-05:00

The only way to leave a crossroads is to choose a direction. In other words, I'm fucked for now.

Why

2010-08-27T10:43:00.002-05:00

“But why can’t you give it another chance now that everything is the way you always wanted?”

Why do people ask me that?

Do they not understand that everyone has their breaking point? You get tired of standing around waiting and hoping that one day it will be different. Thinking that if you just keep trying, keep moving forward out of sheer love, that something will change. Telling yourself whatever you can to shove the hurt feelings down deeper cause experience has taught you that it does no good to voice them. At some point you stop waiting. At some point you realize you’ve given it all you can. And who is anyone else to tell you otherwise? Are you not the expert on you? Can someone else really tell you when you’ve done your best? So just because other people have decided that now they want to stop and really listen, that means that up to this point you haven’t given it a fair shot? Then what the fuck was I doing all those years beating my head against a brick wall?? Was my mistake in that I didn’t realize my audience wasn’t receptive? I was supposed to wait till you were ready to hear me… is that what you’re saying?
Hmmmm… this is kinda like that question, “if a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it does it really make a noise?”…. I can tell you now I was screaming it at you. You may not have heard me, but I was. You’ll just have to take my word for it, kick yourself for not listening, and move on.

Lock Down

2010-08-25T13:10:00.002-05:00

I've decided to make my blog a little more secure, and only allow certain readers. I'll be sending an email out to my friends that I know read this occasionally, but if there's anyone else out there reading this right now, and that wants to be able to continue just email me and let me know that you want access... no problem! I've noticed on my feedjit that I occasionally get some readers from places that I'm pretty sure I have no friends or family... of course it could be totally accidental that these people stumble onto this blog, read it and think "what the hell is this girl talking about??" and move on quickly... but if that's NOT the case, and you want to continue reading just email me. :)

jennt79@gmail.com

A Real Woman

2010-08-03T00:05:00.001-05:00

Smart enough to make plans, and always have a backup

Wistful enough to hang on to old dreams

Clever enough to get what she wants

Insightful enough to know the difference in what she wants and what she needs

Gentle enough to wipe tears, kiss softly, and whisper words of love

Tough enough to say what she really thinks, how she really feels, and not give a damn if anyone agrees

Honest enough to leave the game playing to children

Intuitive enough to know when her guard can really come down

Faithful enough to praise Him in the midst of despair as well as joy

Strong enough to carry those that need her

Willing to sacrifice for those she loves

Courageous enough to hear her voice rise above the rest

Humble enough to stand in the background

Brave enough to stand alone

Confident enough to share her beauty

Wise enough to know when to seek and when to be sought

Pure enough to love with her whole heart

Who Knows

2010-07-27T19:49:00.002-05:00

Is it that you never meant what you said? Or you just changed your mind that easily? Just wondered.

Peace

2010-07-25T09:01:00.001-05:00

I am on a journey to find inner peace. I have found myself on an emotional roller coaster, the highs are so high, and the lows have been pretty low. A friend recently described it as “peace, hell, peace, hell, peace, hell…heartache”; she’s a wise and insightful lady. I feel as though I have done, and am doing everything in my power to get out of this state of emotional turmoil. I started working out (and believe me sweating works wonders!!!), I’ve done things to feel better about myself physically, I’ve tried to focus on my blessings (i.e. my children), I’ve taken on new opportunities career wise. All these things I’ve done to try and smother the pain. Thing is that it isn’t just pain; it’s sadness, anxiety, harsh reality, the sting of memories, the loss of what could have been, the loss of what was (albeit a very long time ago), uncertainty for the future, the feeling of having the ground pulled out from under your feet and trying to find your footing again in unknown territory. That last statement is probably the best explanation: Finding my footing.
Coincidentally as all this is going on in my life I am working on my clinical licensure. Through that I have learned that ultimately the best way to deal with emotional turmoil is to figure out whatever your internal conflict is, and learn how to integrate it into your life. This way your defenses can come down some, and you don’t feel the need to constantly fight against the pain every day. So integration……… how does one do that?? I guess it would be different for everyone, but this is what I’m working on now. I call it “finding inner peace” which just sounds prettier.

This I Know..

2010-07-23T08:00:00.000-05:00

Hallelujah lyrics by Leonard Cohen

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty
in the moonlight
overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne,
she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you'd let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me do you?
Remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Tristitia

2010-07-20T12:52:00.003-05:00

Every time I start to write a new blog post I end up just staring at the screen and not knowing what to say. Sure I have plenty of things I write about that will never go public, but there’s also something really cathartic about writing things that others can read (not that I have all these blog readers, but you know what I mean). So as far as where I am right now…… here are a few of the disjointed thoughts that roam around in my head on almost a daily basis. Disclaimer: this is depressing

I think back to the difficult times I’ve been through in my life, and I think I’d rather suffer through any one of those again instead of feeling the way I feel right now.

Some days I look around at other people and I see them smiling so genuinely… and I hate them for it.

I can now say that I have been on both sides of the fence and back. The grass was the same, now what?

Sometimes you have to take a really, really, really broken road to get where you’re supposed to end up. And that really, really, really SUCKS.

I now know that it’s very possible to wake up one day and not recognize your life. You feel like the you that you’ve always been on the inside, and you go through the same routines and motions of what you should do, but you look around and everything is totally unrecognizable.

If you ever want to see a situation for what it truly is, detach yourself emotionally. You’ll see some ugly shit.

I am forever grateful for the people that choose to remain in my life despite the stupid shit that I do. At the same time I would give anything to feel like there is someone out there who truly understands me and why I do it.

Upon Saving

2010-07-11T13:25:00.002-05:00

"Your relationship with Abel Torres will end upon saving"...... that's what facebook said.

Late Night Realizations part II

2010-06-01T22:12:00.000-05:00

Wherever your relaxing spot, it will eventually be invaded by obtrusive thoughts.

My finger traces a tiny open heart that was a representation of the future… who knew that one day that empty little heart would be more symbolic then it was ever meant to be.

Some songs are so incredibly haunting…

Sometimes it really is too late. It just is.

How I Met My Husband

2010-04-25T10:00:00.000-05:00

I totally copied this from my friend’s blog, and although it probably isn’t the most ideal time in my life to write the story of how I met my husband, it might just be a good time.

In 1998 after a slew of various part time jobs and attending a few semesters of jr college, I was hired at a department store called SteinMart in Waco, Tx near my hometown of Axtell. I started work there in the ladies’ dept 4 days before my 19th birthday.
Abel worked in the men’s dept on the opposite side of the store. One day he happened to bring over some ladies clothes that had been left in his area and I remember thinking “he’s cute”, but we didn’t speak to each other. Then a few weeks later we happened to be in the break room at the same time. He started a casual conversation with me, and I read him his horoscope from the newspaper. It was the most comfortable I’d ever been around a stranger in my life. A few days later we ended up in the break room together again, I was watching a talk show called Jenny Jones on TV and he asked me something about the show, from that we struck up a conversation. He asked me little details about my life such as my age and where I went to school. And from that a friendship was born…… from then on we just “happened” to find ourselves in the break room together quite often. I would try and catch glimpses of him across the store, I found myself looking on the posted work schedule in the break room to see if he worked the same hours I did that week. Then one day I walked in and checked the schedule only to see his name crossed out completely for the whole week. I asked around and found out he had quit earlier that day. I remember feeling disappointed and thinking “well I guess I’ll never see him again”. I went out on the floor and started working. An hour or so into my shift I looked up and saw Abel walking towards me. He chatted with me about how he got fed up with management and decided to quit; he hung around for a little while even though customers kept coming up to me bugging me with questions. Finally he left the store and said something like “well I guess I’ll see you around”. I still felt a little sad when he left. About 20 minutes later, I was paged with a phone call and it was him. He said that he wanted to ask me for my phone number, but lost his nerve with all the customers around. I gave it to him, but still wasn’t sure if he just wanted a platonic friendship or not. Later that night he called me around 10:00 , and I remember thinking……. “this is too late at night for just a platonic friendship, maybe he wants more”. We went on our first date a few weeks later, and after that spent every day together. We talked on the phone for hours and hours, one time talking from 10:00 at night until 5am. I could tell him anything and he listened. He told me he liked me more and more every time we talked. We shared our thoughts on family, college, work, friendships, religion, and what we wanted to do with our lives. We had so many things in common, and we made each other laugh hysterically. A month after our first date, he left for Basic Training [boot camp] for the Air Force in San Antonio. I can still see him in my mind standing at his doorway waving bye to me as I pulled away. Later he would tell me that he wanted me to ask him not to go.

He wasn’t allowed to use the phone for a few weeks, but finally one day he called. He was only allowed to talk for literally 5 minutes, but he said he would write. And that he did. We wrote back and forth constantly, but it was in that very first letter that he told me how he had come to love me. As time went on he was allowed more privileges at Basic Training, and we were able to talk on the phone again. He said his friends called him “telly” because he was always on the phone. Some days he was so busy he was only able to call me at 5am to tell me good morning, and then call me later that night to say good night. Over the course of 3 months my feelings grew and I realized one day that he and I together just seemed right. I had grown to love him. I was willing to change all my life plans for him, I would go wherever he went. I wanted to be by his side. We didn’t meet under the most ideal circumstances, and even though we raised many eyebrows getting married so quickly and at a young age I knew it was right. I knew it was God’s plan. There was no doubt. We have the same soul, he and I. It was destiny.

On February 15, 1999 we were married in a small chapel in San Antonio with only Abel’s parents as witnesses. We had our wedding later that April once he had graduated from USAF Tech school in San Antonio. We’ve lived in three cities and one very small town. We’ve endured career changes, college careers for us both, two children, buying a home, ups, downs, celebrations and disappointments. And whatever our future holds from here on out, it will never change the story of how we met and came to love each other.

Late Night Realizations

2010-04-22T23:12:00.003-05:00

Sometimes it’s just about knowing yourself. Nothing else, just yourself. When faced with a really difficult question you only have to turn inward. When you don’t know where else to turn, or what to do; how to get through a situation or get over something. You have to know yourself. You have to know what you can handle, what you can’t. What you’re willing to sacrifice, and what you’re not. What you’re willing to survive, and what you simply can’t. You have to know what makes you happy, truly happy, like what makes your heart sing and warms your soul. We tend to think that being strong means surviving a situation and living to tell about it, or toughing out the hard times, or some think they are finding strength in control. One of the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn, and still struggle with, is that the more you fight to control a situation the more that situation is really controlling you. I think sometimes real strength comes in letting go. It comes in knowing when enough is enough; knowing when the pain starts to outweigh the good. Some of us are afraid to give up, to throw in the towel; we tend to think that’s a sign of weakness or that we’ve failed. But what I think is that’s where the real strength lies… not just knowing when to let go, but being able to.

Facebook

2010-04-18T16:15:00.004-05:00

You started off as a place I could go to catch up with old friends, and maybe even make new ones; a place I could write silly, random, self-centered little blurbs about my life to break up the monotony of it all. I even shared you with my husband. Then I put myself out there, and linked others to my personal thoughts. I thought I was choosy and careful about who I invited in. I vented, I raged, I made fun of myself. I offered glimpses into my world. But even more then that, you gave me insight into others that I might not would have seen. I was a fly on the wall in conversations, sometimes putting pieces together....or thinking that I was. You make it too easy for secrets, new relationships, and instant communication for the lonely and the lost. You are a world all on your own. Or maybe just a trap.

Odd Ramblings

2010-04-13T10:56:00.001-05:00

Okay so I seriously tried this out for the first time, just an experiment. I literally typed this post in less then 5 minutes, didn't edit myself or anything. As you will see, I promise, lol.

I’m just in the mood to write……I have work in front of me to do but I can’t focus on it right now. What else is new these days??? (who am I kidding? That’s been the story of my life! But that’s beside the point right now.) I’m trying this new thing I got from another blogger where you just freely type whatever comes to mind….I’m thinking it’s supposed to be therapeutic, IDK so far I don’t feel anything, lol. I’ve had a lot of shit going on in my life this past year, more then the usual shit anyway. Like EXTRA shit. Haha. Is this what being 30 is?? Good God I won’t make it to 40 at this rate. But that being said…..nothing really SUPER BAD has happened to me, I gotta keep it in perspective. Things could be MUCH WORSE. I’m kinda reaching a new point in adulthood where I realize I’ve attained so many of my goals that I’m running out of things to work towards. Well sort of. I guess since the beginning of March I’ve been faced with a challenge that is on my mind every minute of every day. So I have that. But otherwise what the hell am I doing in life right now? I’m tired of waking up and breathing the same air in and out. I bitch about the same shit every day. The same people (bless their hearts) have to listen to my same shit every day. I do the same things, I like the same things. Nothing different, nothing gained. Or wait, that was an actual saying wasn’t it…… “nothing ventured, nothing gained”. Anyway, I’m just typing and seeing what comes out of my mouth here (er, my hands….whatever). I didn’t realize I still get that bored with the mundane….being the creature of habit that I am. I mean when I was 18 I couldn’t keep a job or handle any responsibilities because I would get so bored with routine. I thought I outgrew that. I don’t even know what I’m talking about at this point and I’m boring myself so I’m gonna stop. This didn’t really work the way I thought it would, lol. Oh well. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?! haha

2010-04-03T14:12:00.003-05:00

She looked at me with all her years of education,training, experience...and I knew she could see it in my face. My fear that I was a bad mother; our relationship was crumbling. Generations of faults having been passed down....inadequacies would be exposed.

Liberating? Maybe not.

2010-03-25T08:57:00.005-05:00

So I get that women fought long and hard for equality and certain “freedoms”. I got that whole message growing up that I could pursue a college education, a career, AND get married and have babies. And I’m all for equality and freedom. But here lately I’m realizing that this whole careerwoman/mom/wife combo isn’t exactly a freeing experience. I mean, 40 hr work weeks, small children, husbands, and this supposed “me time” that everyone says we need…um really??? I mean, so just to get this whole “having it all dream” straight here-- along with keeping groceries in the house, paying bills, wiping snotty noses, doling out vitamins, scheduling appointments, checking homework, laying out school clothes, disciplining, setting rules, teaching my children how to be a person in this world, having quality family time, trying to have an actual meaningful career, being a wife (which has it’s own separate sub list trust me), I’m also supposed to fit in…date night with my man, girls night out with friends, and time alone to replenish myself?.... are you fucking kidding me?
Now I’m not saying that in my marriage and my family unit, I’m the only one who does everything. My husband and I definitely co-parent & he handles other daily tasks…it’s just…I don’t know…I feel like I took some big superwoman test and failed miserably. Intellectually I know that I can’t be all to everyone, and not to sound so conceited as to think that I AM everything to everyone, I’m not. I’m just saying that even though I know that out of that long list something is gonna get left out or not get my full attention I still continue to feel guilty; I still have feelings of inadequacy. And I don’t always get to choose what that something is either. Sometimes shit just happens and I’m left standing there going oh yeah I forgot to pay daycare last week, or oops the car is way overdue for an oil change; then sometimes I knowingly push certain aspects of my life aside because I’m too overwhelmed and I think they’ll be okay, or that will keep for now. I mean, we all know that even day to day tasks and regular maintenance on a car, house, parenting & marriage can be daunting at times for anyone. But sometimes a person can feel like they are suffocating in it all even when they have a partner. And that partner can end up feeling like they are quite insignificant to the other person.

I don’t know what it is exactly that causes women to believe that they can juggle all of these things on a daily basis and still be okay. I don’t know why we have these expectations not only for ourselves but for each other. I’ve often heard women tell one another “you know how it is, we gotta be supermom”, or “well as women we just have to figure it all out” or “women are miracle workers”.... I don’t know, all I’m sayin is that some days that whole “barefoot and pregnant” idea doesn’t seem so archaic. Women who juggle full time jobs and careers, children, husbands, etc have more on their plate then they could ever handle with all the love and care needed in a lifetime. When I was in college I read about a study on women who talked about how their “dream” had been to “have it all” (i.e. career & family) and how it was so "fulfilling". However, the study also showed that these same women were unable to deal with stress as easily as the other women, and in general seemed to be the most frustrated and most unsatisfied with life. It just seems like there should be a middle ground somewhere, there has to be. I mean women went from having no real place in society to being overloaded so much so that we have self help books and discussions on Oprah about how to multi-task and “filling your own glass”. How do we even survive the lives that we create for ourselves with these kinds of expectations? And why is it that we continue to create lives that are so busy we often neglect the people that mean the most to us? I'll tell you why -- because we continue to be lured into this "dream" that is actually just an illusion.

Finding Room to Breathe

2010-03-22T18:54:00.003-05:00

Today has been a really good day...
1) I didn't cry or even tear up for the first time since March 2nd.
2) I could breathe freely ALL day
3) I was able to fully concentrate on my work!! This is HUGE.

Now what this all means exactly I'm not totally sure, I'm just thankful to have a "normal" day for the first time in weeks and I'm happy to have a reprieve from feeling heartbroken. Maybe I've finally pushed through the really raw, unbearable pain and gained some clarity. Maybe I have a new perspective now, and I kind of can see where to go from here. And maybe, just maybe, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe. We'll see.

If I Was Smart...

2010-03-19T19:59:00.002-05:00

.... I would use this time to find out who I am without him.

.... I would respect the need for space & time.

.... I would learn to face the things I haven't wanted to in a very long time.

.... I would focus on positivity and productivity.

.... I would realize I don't have to just survive it, I can live through it.

Clearing the Air

2010-03-14T21:19:00.002-05:00

I guess just in case I have blog readers that don't know what's going on with me, I want to explain my previous posts. First, no my husband didn't have an affair, secondly, I was actually mistaken about a betrayal on Valentine's Day, and thirdly I am still full of uncertainty and so is he. Now, isn't that all just clear as mud? Yeah, it is in my mind too.

Marriage & Divorce part II

2010-03-09T13:40:00.003-06:00

I just got through telling a friend that maybe we just have different ideals of what a marital relationship should be. And that was after this morning when I just said to another friend I can see a future of working things out. Hmmmmm...flip flopping much?? I somehow have hopes that by writing these thoughts down, it will help me find more answers. I don't even care if anyone ever reads this, I don't care if it's public. Whatever. Sometimes it just is what it is, and keeping it all a secret doesn't make it any different. (I only have like 3 readers that I know of anyway. lol)
I know at some point I'll get to that really honest place inside me where I have to face whatever it is I haven't been facing. You don't just get to this point in an 11yr relationship overnight. It's been brewing. And maybe from day one.....I'm not really sure. I know that my defense mechanisms have started trying to take over, but I have to get past that. I can't get to pure honesty until I let my defenses down.

Marriage & Divorce (part I of many)

2010-03-08T12:17:00.003-06:00

I don't feel like I can throw away everything I’ve gained, lost, invested in, worked on, endured, sacrificed, survived, gained, gained, gained in the last 11 years. In my mind, I know there has to be a way, we have to learn how to communicate differently. We have to make changes. And maybe the more time apart we have, or the more loss and pain I feel right now, will maybe give me even more motivation in the future to stick with making all those changes, and putting in the extra effort to figure out where we lost our ability to communicate.

Here's a quote that a friend shared with me this morning: "getting divorced during a hard time is like cutting off your foot because you have a hangnail"

Where I Am

2010-03-06T21:48:00.002-06:00

Clarification and laughter have been the highlights of my week.

Many answers have brought me to a new place....

It's a very difficult place, kind of a scary place, but a very honest place to be right now.

This is what I DO know right now...

2010-03-04T11:42:00.001-06:00

Today will never be the same as yesterday, this works for me and against me.

Betrayal can feel like a poison seeping slowly into your veins and traveling until it destroys every part of you.

I’m addicted to searching for answers ……and it’s like the betrayal continues…… Valentine’s Day?...Really???

Sometimes digging for the truth makes you wonder many, many, many times over if you really want to know the truth.

Because of decisions other people made…I have to focus to get through each day now with a huge amount of uncertainty.

Two days can feel like a week

Sometimes pain is so overwhelming that in a very short period of time it can start to feel like the norm…

…And sometimes it’s so numbing that you just realize you’ll survive it.

Random Stuff

2010-02-24T13:42:00.003-06:00

Instead of writing a whole post about any of the goings on in my life the past month or so....here are some blurbs that kind of sum things up.

Learning how to deal with unhealthy relationships can start at 8 yrs old sometimes.

Being healthy, emotionally & physically, is so incredibly important and vital; I just can’t figure out why it’s so extremely difficult for people to accomplish and maintain, myself included!

Everyone in college should minor in “professional politics”.

As a person who isn’t really shocked by a whole lot, I sure have been taken aback by a few things this past week!

Being loyal to someone can sometimes take you to places you don’t want to be, and then you have to re-examine the whole loyalty thing.

Old ghosts will come back to haunt you after you think they're long gone.

If reincarnation really does exist, I want to come back as a cat.

When They Grow Up

2010-01-26T12:53:00.003-06:00

As a parent of two young girls, I have often thought about what they will be like when they grow up, the careers they'll choose, the husbands, if they will choose motherhood or not….
It’s kind of fun from time to time to speculate a career path based on the interests & abilities they have now as children. Last night as Olivia colored a page in her Princess and the Frog coloring book she gave me a little blurb about each crayon she pulled out of the box, and I thought about how she’s always been such a story teller…..from that I started thinking about what I could see them doing 20 yrs from now based on how they are at this age. Here’s what I came up with:

Olivia: I'm thinking she'll be a News Reporter or a talk show host....anything where she is allowed to talk non-stop uninterrupted, tell stories, add little blurbs about even the most mundane of activities, and in general be funny.

Alexandria: Something where she will combine her love of Science & outdoors, artistic abilities, and overwhelming sensitivity to all things living... hmmm....an artsy Marine biologist with a big heart??

Wherever they end up, my constant hope is that they will above all else, be able to tune into their God given talents and abilities and find their place in the world.

2010

2010-01-06T13:31:00.002-06:00

I’m totally copying this idea from my friend Rose… and just like her I dislike New Year’s resolutions so I never make them. HOWEVER, this year I am feeling the need for some changes and I’m definitely welcoming the New Year with open arms. The past 6 months have been very stressful (to say the least) for my husband and I. I’ll spare you some of the details, but it started in July with his car dying on us (leaving us one car with four people to get to four different places every day); after that the hits just seemed to keep coming. So in one way or another I am determined to have a better/happier year from here on out. Though I can say that the various roller coasters we’ve been on over the past few months have seemed to make our marriage even stronger, and for that I am extremely grateful.

Here’s my list of things I would like to improve upon in my life this year:

Stress management

Parenting

Alone/quality time with husband

Incorporating exercise as part of my lifestyle

I guess only time will tell if I actually follow through with any of this, but maybe it will at least give me more interesting things to blog about!

Muy Mal

2009-08-26T10:42:00.008-05:00

Alternatively titled: "Bad, Shitty, Terrible, Stressful Morning"

Warning: This is a rant and nothing but. There are no morals, or life-long lessons included; it’s just simply me bitching about my morning because it makes me feel better.

For starters, I went to bed angry with my husband. Yeah, yeah I broke the cardinal rule of marriage and went to bed angry. F that. It’s a dumb idea anyway. Secondly, I woke up late because I was tired from working late the night before. As soon as Alexandria was ready I asked her to bring her dog back inside and put her in the kennel. Well apparently she translated that to, “stay outside and play some more”. I finish getting ready, get Olivia’s shoes on, remember I need to bring a lunch because I work through lunch today……Olivia says her new shoes hurt her feet. “okay, I’ll run get you some socks…….where’s Alexandria? Why hasn’t she come in with the dog yet?......Aly!!!!!!”. She comes in,

Me: “why haven’t you put your dog up yet??”

Aly: “oh, I didn’t know that’s what you said to do”

Me: “oh well it’s too late to chase her down now, she’s out of luck we have to go or you’re gonna be late”

Knowing that at this point I am for sure 15 minutes behind for work now. We all get in the car, I then realize that it’s probably not a good idea to let the dog stay out all day because not only could she get stolen (a girl can dream can’t she??), but she could possibly kill one of our kittens who are now staying on the patio. (she thinks they are her toys and tries to force them to play with her) So I get back out of the car, attempt to chase her down and get her inside to her kennel, meanwhile one of the cats runs in and I literally chase it all over the kitchen and back out the door. THEN as I’m cussing the dog out under my breath and through gritted teeth, I call her over to the car so she’ll think she’s getting to go, it works, she comes, I grab her and we go inside, I resist the urge to hurl her through the window for running from me (but can you blame her?) and instead put her in her kennel. We race to Aly’s school, or at least as fast as the law allows in a school zone, and just as Aly is getting out of the car I notice that she and her dad picked out a skirt the night before and I say “does that have shorts under it for PE?” she lifts is up and………..NO. There are no shorts. So she will most likely have to sit out in PE and get points deducted.

I race on to Olivia’s preschool, as I’m getting her out of the car I realize I forgot to go back and get her socks, we go all the way to her classroom, as fast as a 3 yr old can walk….sign on the door : “We are at the playground”. Thank you lady at the front desk who watched me hurry by with my child in tow, knowing full well who we are, which class she’s in, and that they are on the playground! Thank you for doing your job so excellently. We backtrack all the way to the playground, I tell her teacher "she may need band-aids later in the day cause she’s breaking in new shoes" and I’m such a bad mother that I forgot to give her some socks to help out the pain. I rush back to my car, ~~spin out like a bat out of hell~~ pull safely out of the drop off zone, and as I drive past the playground on my way out I look over to see my precious, sweet faced, baby girl waving bye to me so enthusiastically that ~~I felt even more like complete shit for forgetting those damn socks~~ it brought me to tears. And let me tell you, it’s been a long time since I drove out of a preschool parking lot with tears in my eyes, but that pretty much did me in.

My morning didn’t get much better as I arrived 30 minutes late for work only to realize that I left my notes for three assessments I have yet to type up, in the car my husband is driving today. Now I'm just waiting for a big boulder to fall out of the sky and squish me....and at this point I'm kind of waiting with open arms.

*Addendum* My husband usually helps me get the girls ready in the mornings as well as he takes Olivia to preschool on his way to school. However, this particular morning was different, and things just didn't go as planned (to say the least). But I felt I should add this since I'm always on my soapbox about how things should be equal among parents. :)

Divorce

2009-08-15T21:12:00.002-05:00

I have been married for 10 ½ years and not that that makes me any kind of expert, but I do think that I can definitely say I know a thing or two about marriage. And since I’m a big believer in keeping it real to others about my marriage, I felt compelled to share a revelation I recently had on divorce.

Early in my marriage, everything was honeymoon-ish; we were so in love and never wanted to be apart, blah, blah, blah. When I got married I believed that we would stay together forever, but being the realist that I am I knew that it would take work—not just love. Afterall, you can totally love someone that you could never be married to! Over the years we’ve survived two pregnancies/births, several moves, career changes, college, having money, having no money, and.....well, just life. We have sad depressing memories, but we also have really, really happy memories too. Someone once told me there is a natural ebb and flow to marriage and I totally see that now. Anyway, over time I found myself feeling more resentful about things, getting angrier during arguments, feeling more hopeless about resolving them, and I started throwing out the D word. I didn’t so much threaten divorce as I just started bringing it up as a resolution. I was so frustrated and exhausted from arguing, from having to cope with stress as a couple, from having to work on being a wife. The problem solver in me couldn’t get past not being able to nip the arguments in the bud; no matter what we came up with and tried we were still arguing about the same things, and I was still walking away feeling resentful. The only thing left was to not be together. But when I thought that option through, I realized all the things I would be taking away from life and it made me sad. I was heartbroken over the thought of divorcing, yet I didn’t know what else to do. As time went on I found myself bringing divorce into the equation more and more. My husband seemed to be against it (thankfully) but I was starting to look at it as a very real option, no matter how heartbreaking it seemed. I couldn’t understand how we’d continue on arguing so much and never finding resolutions. I prayed for an answer and finally one came. It wasn’t like a big light bulb going off, it wasn’t some great epiphany, it just slowly crept up on me and really just now as I type this I’m realizing that it was the answer to prayer that I’d been looking for: I had to not only stop playing the divorce card, but I had to retire it completely. It had to be scratched off my list of options. As long as I kept divorce a plausible solution in my head, I would get closer to making a reality. I mean if it’s in your arsenal you’re going to use it eventually, right? And let’s face it, deep down it’s not ever what I really wanted. I just wanted to be free from the arguments and the stress, but divorce is not the only way out of that! Once I promised myself that I would stop considering divorce, I knew that I was in this for the long-haul. That meant making it as happy a marriage as we deserved. I still don’t have all the answers of how to do this, but that’s just it—marriage is a work in progress. He’s the man I chose, he chose me, and God blessed us with two amazing children….that gives us all the reasons we need to make our marriage a beautiful thing.

Now I’m not saying that no one should ever divorce, because I know that there are always exceptions and there are lots of circumstances that could warrant divorce. I’m simply saying that it’s no longer an option for me. If I put just as much energy and love into being happily married as I did to coming up with plans on dealing with the hard times (i.e. divorce) then I don’t think we’ll have many reasons to not stay together. We will always have arguments, we will always annoy each other at times, and our bad habits aren’t going anywhere; but the bottom line is I wouldn’t want to go through this life with any other partner.

And I Thought I Was Random

2009-08-07T10:11:00.003-05:00

What some people won't research...

http://www.good.is/post/why-do-we-hate-the-word-%e2%80%9cmoist%e2%80%9d/

Coming Soon: a post about marriage & divorce
(funny how I announce that like I'm MckMama and there are billions of people waiting to read...lol)

Hilarious Account of Labor & Delivery

2009-07-20T11:30:00.003-05:00

You have to check out this post by Melissa from MTV's Real World (a billion yrs ago when I actually watched it) about her labor & delivery with her first child. It's pretty lengthy but hilarious! It definitely brings back the memories......I posted the link below but here's an excerpt of my favorite part because it was so me after I had Alexandria.

"Another nurse comes into my room. Shows me how to make my own diaper and there are so many steps and layers, it’s literally like making a big sandwich. I’m wearing a wee wee pad and four Tucks medicated pads and a maxi pad and these mesh panties. And I’m peeing in a hat. What time is it and where is my baby?"

http://www.princessmelissa.com/weblog/

30 Years Old, and What Do I Know?

2009-07-13T07:21:00.003-05:00

Definitely not proper comma placement and how to avoid run on sentences, but that’s neither here nor there.
In honor of my 30th birthday (7/11), I wanted to write about what I have really learned & discovered in the past decade. What were my epiphanies, revelations, and “aha moments”? I know you’re just dying to know…..LOL. Here are some of the high-lights………

Never turn off the alarm clock until you are completely out of the bed!

Relationships are hard, work is hard, and parenting is hard; life is hard in general…….so it’s important to seek out the good times.

It’s fun to laugh at inappropriate things…….

Rules are always made with exceptions.

When you are a cocktail waitress it’s amazingly easy to cheat men out of their money; and just as easy to get free drinks. {didn’t say I was proud, just said I learned it}

It’s important to know your roots, and revisit them every now and then.

It’s okay to not be friends with everyone.

Know your priorities in life and stick to them, otherwise they don’t mean much.

Your parents don’t know as much as you once thought; they are only human just like you.

Everyone I know grew up in a dysfunctional family.

Know what you stand for and what you will not stand for.

It’s okay to not always know what to do!

Taking “mental health” days off from work are vital!!

Not only is it okay to not have a perfect marriage, but it’s okay to accept that they don’t exist.

They don’t call childbirth “labor” for nothing! It’s the hardest, most important work I’ve ever done; and the sweetest reward I’ve ever gotten.

The “perfect time” never comes, so don’t wait for it.

It’s important to figure out when to fight and when to surrender, I think most of us tend to do the opposite of what we should.

It’s just as important to have a plan as it is to be flexible.

Sometimes the little things are what’s important, and other times they are truly the things that should not matter. Go figure.

The more you have to fight for control in a situation, the more the situation is actually controlling you. {This one took me a long while to figure out…}

I am imperfect; I am definitely a sinner.

I love to laugh, I love hard, and I am a loyal friend.

I attempt daily to do right by my children, and as they grow I pray that I succeed at this.

I have many titles, but there is not one that completely or utterly defines who I am.

This life is temporary, this life is temporary, this life is temporary…

and is too difficult to navigate without belief in a Higher Power.

The Kid's a Genius

2009-07-06T14:46:00.001-05:00

Olivia has recently discovered that television can be entertaining; before it was just something the rest of the family watched while she played with toys or amused herself with other things. Now.....she has discovered Dora the Explorer, Blues Clues, and Yo Gabba Gabba. "There's a party in my tummy, so yummy, so yummy"......anyway....
Now everything she eats(and even non-edible items I might add) want to go to the "party" in her tummy! The other day as we perused the aisles at Michael's Arts & Crafts store we came upon the Homecoming mum decorations, in which sweet Olivia spotted a sticker of a dog paw and excitedly shouted, "Mommy! I found a clue!".

Excuse Me, Is Your Daddy Home?

2009-06-27T20:35:00.006-05:00

This was inspired by the controversy over this article.

First of all, I’m not going to even bother addressing the actual argument in the above mentioned article. This topic has been debated among women for the past 20+ years, and there is no right or wrong side! I will say that I’m tired of it always sounding like we’re in this huge competition to see who can do what; who’s a better mother, who has a better career, who’s a better wife, or who’s a better woman! It’s not a competition. It’s not. We’re just a bunch of women doing what we can, or what we have to do, and trying to get what we want out of life.

What really got me was that in this particular post, the woman complained about all that she has on her plate: job, kids, housecleaning, etc. And I thought (and even commented to her) “where is the husband/father in all this?” Am I the only one not living in the 1950’s? They say “women can have it all”, but I didn’t know that meant that we’re supposed to actually do it all! Are we saying that our husbands are just hard working sperm donors, or what? My take is pretty simple: I didn’t make the child on my own, and I certainly didn’t hear any complaining about that part of it; so I definitely don’t want to hear any complaining about the responsibility for the child. And by responsibility I mean, changing diapers, feeding, bathing, dressing, rocking, nurturing, teaching, guiding, disciplining, chauffeuring, and just knowing what the hell is going on with the kid in general. I realize there are still couples who feel that the mother nurtures and attends to the technical care, while the father provides financially. I don’t. My children will be better people because they have a mother and a father who both attend to their needs. My husband can change a dirty diaper like nobody’s business, I can work hard to provide financially for our girls, and vice versa. There are no set lines or boundaries. They are his children as much as they are mine. Just because I’m female and more nurturing and emotional by nature does not mean that I should be the only one to provide the technical care of our children! My husband can offer them things that I cannot. He can teach them what a man’s role is (or can be), he can show them how grown men behave, what they can offer in a marriage and to their children, what they bring to a home. He has interests, hobbies, and personality quirks that I do not possess. He is showing them himself…..something that I cannot do for him. So as a society we’ve come to terms (most of us anyway) with the fact that women can work full time, have important careers, earn more money then their male partners, remain childless if they choose, have maids, etc, yet we haven’t been able to decide for sure if these same women should still be solely responsible for all the child care, house cleaning & cooking! I don’t get it.

Old Pictures, Fresh Memories

2009-06-15T18:47:00.007-05:00

While I was in a picture posting mood....

Look who can barely hold her cheeks up in the bath. It's Livy!

Alexandria's first day of Kindergarten.....where has the time gone? (sniff, sniff)

"Ice-cream is GOOD, mommy!"

Alexandria graduated Pre-K four days after her little sister was born.

I Did It Again

2009-06-15T18:31:00.004-05:00

Okay, so I’ve let the blogging slide again. What started out as just one week of covering half the night shift, has now turned into 5. But after Friday I am done. I’m going on vacation and never looking back!

We’ve been busy with softball season winding down, basketball camp last week, and Olivia starting gymnastics. Alexandria’s team won an important game on Friday so they will most likely be in the district playoffs now.

Here are few pics from this season (okay they’re really all from the same game……and someone else took them for me…and then sent them to me on Facebook). I will also try to post more pictures from now on, but seriously I can’t do much but work, sleep, and eat this week! And P.S.: That's her daddy as assistant coach in the last two pics.

Disney's Black Princess

2009-06-02T16:51:00.000-05:00

So Disney is coming out with a new film starring a Black princess. My first thought is how great this is, and how long overdue! However, I quickly discovered that there is already controversy stirring among the Black community as to whether or not Disney is “about to vaporize stereotypes or promote them” with the movie’s characters. The movie is set in 1920’s New Orleans and the star of the show is the Black Princess Tiana. After reading this article, which discussed at length the various racial issues people are having with this movie, I definitely felt the urge to put in my two sense.
Here are some excerpts from the article that was published in the New York Times on May 31st. My comments are the words not italicized.

“The film, directed by Ron Clements and John Musker, two of the men behind “The Little Mermaid,” unfolds against a raucous backdrop of voodoo and jazz. Tiana, a waitress and budding chef who dreams of owning a restaurant, is persuaded to kiss a frog who is really a prince. The spell backfires and — poof! — she is also an amphibian. Accompanied by a Cajun firefly and a folksy alligator, the couple search for a cure.”
Pre screeners have found fault with “the prince’s relatively light skin color”. “Disney obviously doesn’t think a black man is worthy of the title of prince,” Angela Bronner Helm wrote March 19 on the site. “His hair and features are decidedly non-black. This has left many in the community shaking their head in befuddlement and even rage.” While I’m not exactly sure why a couple of mixed ethnicities in the year 2009 would bring out “rage” in anyone, I will say that because they’ve always given the White princesses a White male partner, it does come across as questionable as to why they would choose to give the Black princess a male partner of a different ethnicity……especially in the 1920’s. But, I do however applaud Disney for writing an interracial couple into one of their stories!

“Disney should be ashamed,” William Blackburn, a former columnist at The Charlotte Observer, told London’s Daily Telegraph. “This princess story is set in New Orleans, the setting of one of the most devastating tragedies to beset a black community.” Okay, I’m pretty sure Disney was just thinking of the cultural aspects of New Orleans, the jazz, the food, the strong Black communities, and how well they fit with their idea for the storyline.

Disney originally called her Maddy (short for Madeleine). Too much like Mammy and thus racist. A rumor surfaced on the Internet that an early script called for her to be a chambermaid to a white woman, a historically correct profession. Too much like slavery. I’m not so sure I understand this, because in the movie Aladdin, the character Ali lived on the streets and was looked down upon by royalty and considered to be not worthy of marrying a princess---which I’m guessing fits with the Arabian culture? Sooooo to have a Black woman living in the 1920’s South working as a chambermaid to a White woman…….I’m sorry, but I think that would be culturally appropriate for that time period. History is history, it can’t be re-written just because some of it isn’t pretty.

“people are really excited to see how Disney will handle her language, her culture, her physical attributes.” And, here’s where I have the biggest problem of all. Raise your hand if you think Snow White, Belle, or Ariel accurately portrayed the average White woman in regards to physical attributes, language, and culture. Anyone? I see no hands….. That’s because they didn’t. The average White woman is not 5’9 with 36-24-36 measurements, she does not speak grammatically correct at all times, and her culture is not that of Royalty. So why it is that people are getting their panties in a wad over whether or not Princess Tiana will accurately portray Black women? She’s not a real woman! She’s a Disney Princess, people! Big difference. The Disney princesses float around in monochromatic ballgowns, gloves, and heels; they wait for their Prince to save them from some treacherous fate. They say things like “oh my!”, and go on adventures while giggling carelessly with birds, dwarfs, and underwater sea creatures. So while I’m the first person to say that we are all one blood, and the color of our skin does not matter in terms of equality, I do agree that our unique heritages and cultures should remain significant to us. However, I definitely don’t think we need to rely on the characters of a Disney movie to help our children identify with their own heritage or culture. So to all of you who are putting all your hopes and dreams of breaking down racial stereotypes on this one little movie……don’t hold your breath. Princess Tiana can graciously take her place next to Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Belle, Ariel, Jasmine, and Snow White in Disney’s world of “these women don’t actually exist on planet earth”.

Saying "No"

2009-06-01T09:28:00.001-05:00

I’ve been reading several posts on parenting written by Lindsay Ferrier, the Suburban Turmoil blogger. I love her posts by the way, she has opinions and is not afraid to voice them or use colorful language doing so. ANYWAY, after reading about five of them this morning, I was inspired to write another parenting post myself. Afterall, it’s something I not only deal with on a daily basis in my own life, but it’s something I have very passionate opinions and ideas about.

When Toddlers Say “No”

My daughter Olivia, who just turned three, seemed to breeze through her “terrible twos” with a minimal amount of damage. There was the jumping off of furniture, occasional fit throwing, hitting her sister, and of course, my all time favorite …saying “no” to any and all requests made by most any adult she encountered. However, some of our family members seemed to have a problem with this. My grandmother, one of my aunts (who is around us most often), my parents, my sister (you know, the “cool” aunt who has no children of her own), and even my dear husband (who’s supposed to be on my side) would tell Olivia she was “not allowed to tell us no”. Here’s my problem with that. Why on earth would you teach someone, anyone at any age, that they are not allowed to tell someone “no”. Are we trying to raise a people pleasing, peer-pressure bending, doormat of a person? Hell no! Not only that, but she’s TWO. She’s supposed to tell us “no”. It shows that she’s on the right track developmentally and right on schedule. She’s seeking autonomy; she’s learning that there just might be another option when someone is trying to get her to do something she doesn’t want to do. And guess what? This is totally okay with me. If she didn’t tell me no and completely complied with my every request I would……..well, probably be a little afraid, because that’s just not normal. Seriously, what child does that? I want her to have opinions, I want her to have her own idea of how things should go, and I want her to be comfortable with telling someone “no”.

That being said, I totally understand that even though I’m okay with her testing my authority, it does not mean that she is allowed to do whatever she wants, and it sure as hell doesn’t mean that I back off when she says “no”. I refuse to argue, I refuse to battle it out. I reaffirm what is okay behavior and what is not. For example-- Me: “Olivia get off of the coffee table please, because you could fall and hurt yourself”, Olivia: “no”, Me: walk over, get her down and say “you may not stand on the coffee table because it is dangerous and I don’t want you to get hurt”. Now usually I have to repeat this a few more times before she complies, and we do go through this fairly often (what can I say? she’s an active child and loves to climb and jump), but that’s just parenting. I think there are many ways to assert one’s authority…when necessary. But telling someone else they have no power to make a choice (i.e. telling them they can’t say “no”) is not an okay tactic in my book. Now if I could just get everyone else to see things my way…….oh, what a perfect world. LOL ;)

I'm Back!

2009-05-30T09:26:00.001-05:00

I know you've missed me....... all two of you. I've been working a craaazy schedule at work, and the last thing I've thought about is blogging. I can barely keep up with DVR'ing The Real Housewives of New Jersey! The kids are out for summer, which means one month at home with Daddy (while his school and work schedule allows) and the rest of their summer days with Nana & Pawpaw. Good times. Meanwhile I get to schlep into work at 3AM and work till 5PM.
Good money, but oh so bad for the woman who loves sleep.

Anyway, I managed to type up a post on parenting this morning and I will post it soon-- not that any of you {if anyone really is out there}are holding your breath or anything!

Not Me!

2009-05-04T08:33:00.001-05:00

Monday again? ugh.

I have NOT neglected by blog for 2 weeks…I have NOT only kept up with reading 2 of my regular faves for the past 2 weeks (somebody had to make sure Stellan got through his ordeal…. duh.)

I did NOT have 3 wisdom teeth yanked from my head last week and then suffer immensely in the aftermath…(sniff, sniff)…I am NOT just now recovering.

I did NOT unlock my office door at work this morning to find……(drumroll please)……a ROACH on my floor…No way! I work in a newly constructed building that is so modern, high class, and pristine; there’s no way we’d have roaches. NOT!

I am NOT actually wanting to get pregnant a third time, ALREADY. What’s wrong with me? I’ve got a clinical license to work on and a husband to finish school…

Wanna’ read what everyone else “didn’t” do? Check out MckMama's blog!

Stellan

2009-04-21T09:52:00.000-05:00

This sweet baby is in surgery this morning....

Hannah Montana

2009-04-14T15:05:00.006-05:00

Before I begin my rant……I just want to say we saw the movie on Friday and loved it!

Why the controversy? I'm so sick of reading and hearing about all the negative media surrounding this girl. There are girls her age that are pregnant, on drugs, boozing it up at parties, failing out of school; the list could go on and on. Yet here is this 16 yr old girl who had a dream of becoming a singer, had the parents who were able to get her in the door, and now she’s able to do something she loves for a living. I’m sorry, I’m confused where the problem lies. Some say she isn’t a good role model, well who labeled her as one? Did she ask to be the role model for every girl aged 5-15 in the world? I’m pretty sure that would be a daunting task for anyone from the First Lady to the Queen of England. If you don’t want your kid following her, emulating her, or aspiring to be like her then turn off the TV! I don’t want my 7 yr old emulating Carrie Bradshaw & Co., therefore she isn’t allowed to watch that particular show (or any R rated programming, but that’s beside the point)……it really is that simple, folks. I’m tired of reading articles bashing Hannah/Miley for no solid reason. So what if she parked in a handicapped spot to get ice cream, so what if she made some “diva-ish” comments? I’m sure we all do things like this on any given day; we just don’t have the paparazzi around to prove it. All of us except of course the journalists who write these articles, because only someone with that amount of perfection could so easily write an entire article slandering a 16 yr old girl for being……um, what should we call it? Oh yeah, a TEENAGER! I mean, why should every single mistake be called out? Because she’s in the public eye? That’s bullshit. MSN journalist Martha Brokenbrough states, “For a teen who knows she's in the public eye to do this sort of stuff suggests she's either none too bright or views herself exempt from normal consequences.” The media and the fans are the ones who place these people on pedestals and then have the nerve to act shocked and appalled if they do something human. While Miley Cyrus awkwardly endures her teen years in front of cameras and major scrutiny, she still manages to handle a full time career (with working hours that could put many of us to shame), take time out for her fans, and overall show that it’s okay to be yourself---your imperfect self.

In summation Brokenbrough says, “For now, Miley Cyrus continues to be a great role model for kids, but only in unintended ways. She shows that talent, wealth and beauty are superficial things, and are no replacement for character. She might not be learning much from her mistakes, but our kids can”. Are you fucking kidding me? Forget the fact that “talent, wealth and beauty” is what our society obsesses over and has since long before Miley Cyrus was even born; so putting that aside-- I’m not looking at Miley Cyrus to teach my kid lessons, that’s my job, you know the one she calls “mom”. I agree our children are influenced by what they are exposed to, yes. But as far as what exactly they’re exposed to, the frequency, and how the child interprets it? Parent’s job. My 7 year old LOVES Hannah Montana, but she’s clueless about the controversial sheet photo ,handicapped parking incident, or the slanted eyes picture. Why? Because my 7 year old doesn’t read MSN, gossip websites, or Vanity Fair magazine! The bottom line is our children are going to pick someone in the limelight to obsess over, and personally I’m okay with it being Hannah Montana. There are a lot worse out there to choose from.

Ever Since We Got a Chihuahua

2009-04-07T15:11:00.002-05:00

Ever since we got a Chihuahua…..phrases like “your turn to clean it up”, “did you actually see her pee outside?”, “Alexandria! There’s dog crap in your sister’s room!”, and “she’s chewing on a Barbie shoe!” are now common everyday phrases in our household.

…We now all wear holy underwear and have had to throw several pair away……

Ever since we got a Chihuahua…The smell of Febreeze, Glade Plug-Ins, and Lysol are always wafting in the breeze at our home……

…My stress levels have risen…

Ever since we got a Chihuahua…I step into unidentified wet spots on almost a daily basis…and I now know exactly which brand of paper towels is best for soaking up dog piss…

…My blood pressure has risen....

Ever since we got a Chihuahua…I have stood on my back patio in my underwear many a night begging her to get in the grass and pee so we could go inside (where it’s warm)…

…My love for animals has declined……I no longer think puppies are cute…

...Ever since we got a Chihuahua…I have been witness to many disgusting events…such as a dog eating its own poop, vomiting, then eating the vomit (suppressing gag reflex as I type…deep breaths in through the nose…)

Ever since we got a Chihuahua, I have a greater appreciation and more love for my cats……who all live outside.

Olivia Grace

2009-04-02T15:02:00.001-05:00

Our sweet soon to be 3 yr old! She fills our days with oh so many quotable quotes…I thought I’d share a few of my recent faves.

Olivia: “I have a booger in my nose, I can’t get it puz (because) it’s too heavy.”
__________________________________________
Me or Abel on any given day: “Olivia why did you snatch that toy from your sister’s hand?”, “Olivia why did you hit the dog?”, “Olivia why did you throw that across the room?”, “Why did you jump off of there? I told you that you would get hurt!”

Olivia: “puz I did”
(yeah, I’m really not sure why we continue to ask her “why” she does anything.)
_____________________________________________
After being spanked on the bottom for doing something (can’t remember what):

Olivia: “I’m sorry you pank me, puz you did”.
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Repeating the ABC’s with her daddy:

Daddy: “P”

Olivia: “B”

Daddy: “no, P”

Olivia: “bees fly away”

Daddy: “no, the letter Peeeeee” (with extreme enunciation)

Olivia: “ohhhhhh-kaaaaay” (long pause) “sing McDonald now”

Daddy: (exasperated sigh) “fine”
__________________________________________________
When caught trying to write on the wall with a pen:

Me: “Olivia! Stop! We don’t write on walls.”

Olivia: “we write on paper (exaggerating the word)”

Me: “that’s right. So go find some paper on your desk to write on”

Olivia: “I don’t, I write on walls”
____________________________________________

While in the store parking lot one day:

Olivia: “poo poo!!” (gales of laughter) “poo poos!”

Me: “Olivia, let’s not shout that out while we’re in a public place”

Olivia:” poo poos!” (followed by laughter again of course—because at the age of 2 this word is hilarious

Me: “look, no one is talking about poo poo right now”

Olivia: “I am”

Pobrecito

2009-03-25T08:48:00.001-05:00

It Is What It Is

2009-03-19T11:18:00.001-05:00

A complaint fest…so you’ve been warned. At least I summed it up nicely in a list format.

1) My insomnia. Never in my life have I suffered so. (Well that’s not true, but I felt it deserved some drama.) I never understood insomnia until recently. The past month or so I have been waking up around 3AM and I lay there, and lay there…….and lay there some more……wide awake. I think about work, the kids, my husband, and it goes on and on for about 1-2 hours. When I do fall back asleep it’s usually an hour away from the alarm clock going off.

2) American Idol contestant Alexis Grace being voted off. DUMB! This is why I stopped watching the show after the 2nd season. “America” votes to keep the ones who can barely carry a tune and vote off anyone with actual singing ability. It’s just annoying. I didn’t see her performance this week, but I can’t imagine that someone with her talent would have screwed it up that badly. I’m done with that show. Again.

3) I get really tired of the grocery stores pushing us from one holiday to the next so quickly that before you know it I’m 50 yrs old and I’ve celebrated a trillion holidays. I mean really, can I take my Christmas tree down before you start selling me valentine’s candy and Easter baskets? Can we hunt our eggs before we have to buy 4th of July paraphernalia or pumpkins for next Fall? Seriously. And why on earth are they already selling Easter cookies……packages and packages of Easter cookies in the bakery….. 4 weeks before Easter? Really? Is someone buying these and then feeding them to people a month from now? Awesome.

Monday, Again?

2009-03-16T08:45:00.001-05:00

I actually started on the treadmill again this week. I walked for 20 minutes at a brisk pace. But no matter what anyone tells you, I most certainly did NOT attempt to run for part of that time! And if I had of, it would NOT have only been for 1 minute because my shins, calves, and lungs were on fire! Nope, didn’t happen.

I also did NOT take a practice licensing exam (for my profession) and only make an 80%........um, NO that would be embarrassing.

And, I have NOT been sitting here staring blankly at my computer for almost 30 minutes trying to come up with something else to add to this list……but because I’m soooooooooo tired my mind keeps drifting off on wild tangents...er, doesn’t.

Wanna’ read what everyone else “didn’t” do? Check out MckMama's blog!

Here We Go Again

2009-03-10T13:26:00.001-05:00

I’m gonna’ have to talk about my church again. My latest gripe is that they are all seeming a little too judgmental these days. We recently started having bible study on Wednesdays and they have changed the Sunday sermon format to topic sermons rather then bible study sermons. Hallelujah! It’s about time. But after attending 1 Sunday and 2 bible studies since this change, I still find myself wondering……why do I want to attend a church where I don’t even agree with the majority of what comes out of the mouths of our preachers (yes, we have more then one)? I mean, not the Jesus is the son of God, bible verse stuff; but the whole “homosexuality is wrong”, “Catholicism is wrong” (my husband is Catholic by the way...and gay.....just kidding!). Anyway, it’s this superior attitude that comes out during these discussions…I’m sure they’re all well meaning folks, in fact I know they are. I’ve known most of these people my whole life. I just don’t get how they can’t see how judgmental they’re being. I don’t believe that only one church is going to Heaven, if I did I probably wouldn’t have married my husband! I think that you can have opinions without forcing your judgment on others. I also don’t like feeling judged because I don’t attend church on a regular basis. I’m sorry but sometimes in order just to function, I HAVE to lie in the bed past 8:30AM. And most importantly I don’t believe that God intends for us to judge one another so harshly!! Yes, we all do it from time to time, it’s human nature just like many other sins. But preaching judgment to your congregation??!! Come on now, that’s like putting a Kentucky Fried Chicken inside a Gold’s Gym! It’s just WRONG.

Can I Just Share?

2009-03-04T10:57:00.000-06:00

My heart is still beating fast and my hands are slightly shaky….guess that’s the after effects of adrenaline coursing through my body. What happened you ask? Hahaha… oh, just some ~~frightening~~ silly phone conversation with a dipshit.
I’m sitting here at my desk innocently typing notes on the computer. Innocent, because I have no reason to be worried about any of my loved ones; the children were each dropped safely off at school this morning. No worries, right? Then I get a phone call.
I answer my cell phone to a number that was very similar to Hillcrest hospital phone numbers……

Man in a very urgent voice: “can I speak to the parent or guardian of Alexandria T*****?”

Me: my heart dropping to my stomach “this is she, this is her mother”. My mind is conjuring up all of the terrible images it can in approximately 20 seconds, which felt like minutes before he responded with…

Man: “this is her mother?”

Me: “YES!” Oh God, what happened to my baby?

Man: “I’m calling from Dr. Francis’s office here in Waco…”

Me: “Yes???” Oh my God, something terrible has happened to her at school and now I’m going to have to give consent for medical treatment over the phone!

Man: “she has a dental appointment with us tomorrow at such and such time and I’m just confirming…..”

Me: WHAT???? You scared the shit out of me to confirm a freakin dental appointment??? At this point I interrupt and say “OH, I thought you were calling from a doctor’s office about my child, you scared me”

Man: hesitation “no, um, I’m calling from the dentist…will you be here tomorrow?”

Me: Yes, you moron that’s why I made the appointment, so that we could SHOW UP TO IT! “yes we’ll be there”. Click.

You might call it paranoia, I call it motherhood.

Never Been a Fan of the Monday

2009-03-02T11:50:00.002-06:00

I did NOT hit the snooze button a few extra times (like 4 or 5) this morning …and then arrive to work 15 minutes late....not that anyone noticed considering I DON'T do this quite often.

I did NOT let my children have unlimited amounts of caffeine and sugar during our trip to Dallas this weekend! Please, I am a way better mother than that.

I did NOT spend way too much money on frivolous things during said weekend.

I did NOT stay up way too late last night because I couldn’t put my book down…only geeky book worms do that!! Oh wait, I am a geeky book worm…nevermind.

Wanna’ read what everyone else “didn’t” do? Check out MckMama's blog!

Can anyone say DESENSITIZATION?

2009-03-02T11:34:00.001-06:00

I was driving back to work from lunch when I noticed a bumper sticker on the diesel truck in front of me. It was one of those 9/11 memorial stickers that said “Let’s Roll” and had the American flag behind it. My first thought was “oh, that’s so outdated”. Then I immediately thought, “what’s wrong with me? How could I think that?”. I’m pretty sure the families that lost a loved one in the attacks that day, don’t think the memorials are outdated! And, I’m pretty sure that the family of the person who actually said “let’s roll” on the ill fated plane, doesn’t think the memorial stickers are outdated! So why was that my first thought? I’ll tell you. One word. Desensitization.

You know, that thing that causes us to not bat an eyelash when we see violence in the movies, or hear explicit sex jokes as part of a routine bit on prime time television; the thing that causes young children to see weapons as being toys rather then dangerous. The very thing that caused me to see a sticker memorializing a very tragic event (to say the least) and actually think to myself “oh, that’s so outdated”.

Not Me Monday

2009-02-16T10:34:00.000-06:00

I do NOT occasionally peruse through my old posts, re-read and then edit them. Who would do that? That’s a tad bit anal.

I do NOT have trouble with comma placements, semi colons, and run on sentences (in case you haven’t noticed)…….no way. I have a college education; I should be able to write correctly!

I do NOT still carry around sheer hatred and resentment from Valentine’s Days gone by……… like jr high/high school days……..I’m definitely NOT a jaded woman.

I am NOT saying silent thank yous for the fact that my two morning appointments were no shows……(what can I say, it’s Monday)

Wanna’ read what everyone else “didn’t” do? Check out MckMama's blog!

Valentine's Day Confessions

2009-02-16T08:53:00.002-06:00

These are rated G, I promise.

1)First of all, let it be known that I'm not a huge fan of V-day. I'm too practical to be okay with spending tons of money on flowers that die, candy that makes me fat, cards that get thrown away, and whatever else was invented just to sucker people into feeling like they have to overspend in order to prove their love!
That being said......

2)On Saturday, after a day of housecleaning for me and a long day at work for hubby, we all settled down with Popeye’s chicken and a movie that night.

3)On Sunday I took Alexandria to see ‘Coraline’ then we scoured the V-day leftovers (50% off thankyouverymuch) at HEB and got candy for all (plus 2 stuffed animals for 2 little girls) and spent a total of 10.00.

4)I had a no pressure, stress free, relaxing & fun Valentines weekend spending time with those I love. Afterall, isn't that what this silly little "holiday" is about?